A bump in the road
by Storywriter55
Summary: Sara faces a life-threatening illness which could leave Neal a widower with a fifteen month old toddler while the White Collar unit's investigation into pharmaceutical fraud takes a personal twist. Part of the 'Milestones series' Disclaimer: I own nothing
1. Chapter 1

_Sara faces a life-threatening illness which could leave Neal a widower with a fifteen month old toddler while the White Collar unit's investigation into pharmaceutical fraud takes a personal twist. Part of the 'Milestones series'_

**A bump in the road**

**Chapter 1**

15 months

It was one of those rare date nights. Sara and Neal tried to find time at least once a month to be alone together – just the two of them. Peter and Elizabeth loved having their goddaughter over for sleepovers and Hope loved going over there and spending time with her godparents (and Satchmo, who had become a bit of an obsession of late).

The young couple had a nice quiet dinner at home, shared a delicious bottle of Merlot, some serious handholding and ended up in bed - it was only 8:30 and the fuse had been properly lit...

Neal lay on top of Sara, rocking back and forth, moaning and saying her name breathlessly; she continued to pant, writhing underneath him as she finally came with a loud shriek. Neal kept thrusting in and out, kissing her mouth more like devouring it, biting, nipping as he made his way down to her breasts licking and biting her nipples roughly, Sara continuing to moan with pleasure. He drove in and out with increasing speed and force as he felt his orgasm building. Looking right into her eyes, he let her know, as he grunted loudly 'I'm ... coming' he said as he finally let go and rode his orgasm for a few seconds feeling her tightening her hold on him as she pulled him to her with her long lean legs.

'Aaaahh' he finally uttered as he felt the end of the rush

'You ok?' he asked his wife, coming back to himself

'Yeah, I'm good' answered Sara as she felt him slip out of her and let himself fall on the pillow beside her.

When they had regained their normal breathing, they looked at each other, grinning. Sex had always been exciting and fun for them and after nearly a year of marriage that had not changed.

Whenever Hope spent the night at the Burkes, it always allowed for a little more raucous lovemaking for Neal and Sara. They were both self-conscious about being too loud with their daughter, a light sleeper, slumbering in the room next to theirs. When they had lived at June's, Hope's room had been in the back by the walk-in closet and they could afford to be a little more vocal in their lovemaking but since they'd moved into their house, they were more aware of her presence, preferring to keep their enthusiasm to a minimum.

Neal's sentence had officially ended eight months earlier and he had been off-anklet ever since, continuing to work with Peter on cases from time to time. Sara had returned to Sterling Bosch six months ago and Hope was now almost 15 months old, talking up a storm, running around the house and keeping both her parents very busy. Despite her high level of energy, Neal and Sara were really enjoying parenthood and had decided that they were ready to add a new member to their family; they had been trying for about three months without any luck. They figured that two years apart was ideal for siblings. Soon, Hope would be out of diapers and she would be ready to be a big sister.

'So' said Neal still slightly breathless 'do you think that'll do it?'

'Well, the timing is right on so keep your fingers crossed' said Sara smiling at him and curling up in his open arms

'Did I tell you what Hope said when I told her she was sleeping over at Peter and Elizabeth's?' she added once she was comfortably tucked into his arms

'What?' asked Neal, anticipating another gem – his daughter was brilliant

'She said 'Mama, more Sach'

'I guess that's her way of telling us she wants to see Satchmo. She's so smart' said Neal, smiling to himself as if this was his victory somehow

'So, Peter called you in on a case?' she asked

'Yeah, we're going to need Ashley's help this week' said Neal referring to the caregiver they sometimes called on when Neal needed to work outside the house. Neal was the main child care provider for the family but he also did some consulting with the White Collar unit, some art authentication for insurance companies and he had continued to produce some original art. He was actually getting a number of pieces together for an exhibit; he hoped to be ready within a year if he continued producing at this rate.

'So, what's the case?' asked Sara

'Some pharmaceutical fraud case, I don't know the details yet but Peter's going to brief me on Monday' said Neal

'I've got an appointment with Dr. Cooper on Monday at four. Is that going to be a problem?' asked Sara

'No, I'll pick up Hope. What's the appointment for?'

'Oh, nothing – I'm overdue for a PAP smear anyway and I thought I'd see if she has any tricks to help me get pregnant' said Sara, sitting up

'Funny how we didn't even have to try with Hope and now we're struggling without any luck. Well, at least we know we can do it' said Neal as he snuggled up against Sara's neck, kissing her

'Yes, we do. Up for a little more practice?' Sara smiled as she wrapped her leg around Neal's.

WCWCWCWCWCWCWC

Neal stepped into the White Collar unit as if he had never left. His visits were less frequent these days but he was always greeted enthusiastically by his co-workers. Even on anklet, Neal had always been a respected member of the team but now that he was a 'fine upstanding citizen' even more so.

Diana was the first to greet him 'Caffrey' she called from her desk 'Long time'

'Hey Diana' Neal responded as he walked over to her and gave her a quick hug 'How are you? Peter tells me things are really brewing for you and Christie'

'Peter might look like a strong silent type but he's the most gossipy person here' said Diana, laughing 'Yes, it's true. Christie and I are planning a commitment ceremony and yes, it's true, we've begun to look into artificial insemination'

'That's fantastic news. You're gonna love being a mom. I'll be glad to give you some parenting tips anytime' said Neal winking

They were interrupted by Jones who walked up and gave Neal a friendly pat on the back.

'Neal! Peter told me he was calling you in on this case. It's great to see you. How's the family? I feel like I haven't seen Sara since she went back to work' he said

'Sara's great, back at work a while now and Hope is going to be 15 months next week if you can believe it. As much as I love being home with her, I was looking forward to working with you guys on this case. It's nice to get a bit of a break from running around the house after Hope and I swear, if I have to wash that damn high chair one more time - '

Peter appeared, coming down the stairs towards the bullpen.

'Ah, the prodigal son has returned, I see' he said walking up to the group. Peter and Neal saw each other socially at least once a week but hadn't worked together in a couple of months.

'How about we move the party up to the conference room? I'd like to brief you all on the case' he added as everyone started towards the stairs

The crew got situated around the conference room table and Neal felt an immediate familiarity that he hadn't realized he'd missed. It was nice to be back in the groove using his mind other than to outsmart a toddler who was trying to stay up past her naptime.

Peter began: 'Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals. They were fined several years ago for driving up the price of certain drugs by slowing down production. The FDA has called us in to investigate – they think they're at it again. Four drugs that Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals have the exclusive patent for have been in short supply over the past few months: Crobaplatin, Grimsar, Zolada and Ibexa. The first three are chemotherapy drugs and the last one is commonly used in advanced cases of Alzeimer's. There hasn't been a shortage yet because many of the larger hospitals have stockpiled these drugs but unless they start releasing larger quantities, there will be a shortage within a couple of months, even sooner with some of these drugs'

John Turner from the FDA is coming in to brief us later this week. In the meantime, let's look into the history of this pharmaceutical company and see if we can pin down who's behind this'

Neal looked around the table. Yes, it was definitely good to be back.

WCWCWCWCWCWCWC

The waiting room was rather quiet as Sara waited her turn. She had asked for the last appointment of the day so she could get as much work done as possible before she left the office. These gynecological appointments were never fun but getting poked was all relative after giving birth and suffering the indignities of morning sickness and other assorted side effects.

Finally, Sara was ushered into an examination room and she changed into a gown awaiting Dr. Cooper's arrival.

'Hi Sara' the doctor said as she came in 'How are you? It's been a while. Is it possible I haven't seen you since your daughter's birth?'

'You know, I think you're right. I've gone back to work and there never seems to be enough time for things like doctors' appointment' admitted Sara

'So how is that beautiful girl of yours, Hope is it?' asked Dr. Cooper as she put on a pair of medical gloves

'You have a good memory' answered Sara 'Yes, it's Hope and she's fine – a little terror at times and an angel at others – a typical toddler, I guess'

'Time does fly' said Dr. Cooper 'Alright, let's do this' she said preparing to examine Sara. 'Any issues?'

'Not really. I still feel bloated and I've had a little bit of low back pain. But I guess that's what happens to your body when you've had a baby. I've been trying to get pregnant again but we haven't had any luck. Any thoughts?' she asked as she looked at the doctor who was palpating her abdomen.

'We can talk about a few tricks when we're done. Sara do you have any pain, here?' she asked as she pressed down on Sara's left hip area.

'Just some tenderness, I wouldn't call it pain' answered Sara

When the exam was complete, Sara stepped into Dr. Cooper's office for a debriefing. She sat and waited for the doctor to return.

'Sara, here's a bit of literature you might find interesting on some lovemaking positions to help you get pregnant. Truth be told, there's not a whole lot of research on the subject but any position that allows for deep penetration like missionary or doggy style is best. And if you are so inclined, you can stay lying down for a half hour after sex to give your husband's little swimmers a better chance but really just keep doing what you're doing'

'OK. Thanks for the advice' Sara responded as she glanced at the pamphlet

'Sara, there's one more thing. I'm feeling a mass on your left ovary. It's likely nothing to worry about but I think you should get an ultrasound. There's a lab down in the basement and you don't need an appointment so I'll give you a requisition and why don't we meet again next week and we can look at the results together'

'Sure' said Sara as she stood up to leave 'I'll go see if they're open right now'

'I think they're open until 8 tonight. So I'll see you next week, then' said Dr. Cooper as Sara prepared to leave

Sara grabbed her phone and called Neal as she waited for the elevator.

'Hi, gorgeous. On your way home?' he asked

'I'm just going to go for an ultrasound and I'll be home as soon as I can. Did you pick up Hope, alright?'

'Yes and missy is helping me make pudding for dessert. Hope, Hope not with your hands, baby' Neal yelled into the phone

'I see you've got your hands full so I'll see you when I get home' said Sara, seeing that it wasn't the best time for a long discussion

Later that night, Neal and Sara lay in bed, catching up on the news of the day. Neal told her about his day at the White Collar unit and how he had enjoyed catching up with everyone and speaking 'adult' for a change. Hope had apparently had a lot of fun with Ashley's two year old son and had come home with dirty clothes – a sure sign that she'd had a great time.

'Oh, Dr. Cooper gave me this pamphlet on sex positions to assist in getting pregnant. Apparently, there are none - it's all phooey' she said as she showed Neal the pamphlet

'Good' Neal answered with a raspy voice 'we can experiment' as he pulled Sara on top of him. She didn't need much convincing as she straddled him and began kissing his neck which he seemed to appreciate quite a bit. She could feel him straining in his pajama bottoms and Sara reached down to check for herself.

'Why Mr. Caffrey, you _are _happy to see me' she whispered in his ear

'Oh, yeah' spoke Neal, slightly out of breath

Sara sat up and began to rub herself against him, eliciting a number of interesting expletives from Neal.

'Oh, fuck that feels good' he murmured as he began to roll his hips to intensify the sensation.

Before long, the sleepwear they had been wearing was discarded and Sara was panting as she sank down on him and she heard Neal make a small groaning sound as she began to move once again. They rocked in unison as Neal looked up at his wife, cupping her breasts and rising to take one in his mouth as she moaned letting him know just how good that felt. Before long, Sara let out a small cry and Neal held her hips as he continued to thrust in and out but he wanted deeper penetration so he flipped her over as he continued to plunge into her with more and more intensity. 'Oh, Sara, ohsara, ohsarasarasara' he moaned as he finally let go with a controlled grunt as he looked down at her with dark eyes, smiling devilishly.

Take that, Dr. Cooper, he thought.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It was coming up to June 14th and Peter and Elizabeth had invited the Caffreys over for a special first year anniversary dinner at their home. They had also invited Mozzie and Diana and Christie and everyone settled down for a nice dinner in the Burkes' dining room.

'What a difference a year makes' said Elizabeth as Hope ran around the living room trying to catch Satchmo's tail. A year ago, she had sat quietly in her baby carrier while everyone celebrated Neal and Sara's wedding and now she could not be tied down.

'Hope, come here please' said Neal, firmly

She looked up at her dad with a pout.

'Ope Sach' she said looking at him with her big blue eyes

'I know you want to play with Satchmo but it's time for dinner and you need to come and sit down' he answered

Hope came to the table, regrettably, and was seated in her high chair between her Aunt Elizabeth and her Uncle Peter who continued to dote on her at every opportunity. Peter served her a portion of salmon and some mashed potatoes and Hope began to explore her food with her hands as she smiled up at her godfather.

Sara looked over at Neal and rolled her eyes. Peter was a sucker for Hope anytime, anyplace.

'So, how are things at White Collar?' asked Mozzie

'Wouldn't you like to know' answered Peter looking at him wryly

'Just trying to make conversation, Suit' said Mozzie with mock hurt

Neal and Diana looked at each other knowingly. Somehow, over the years, this upstanding FBI agent had developed an uneasy friendship with this ne'er do well street smart con man and no one questioned it anymore. Their friendship had evolved over the years and Neal was the connecting piece in all of their lives.

'We're working on an interesting case right now' said Neal 'we suspect this pharmaceutical company is holding back on some cancer drugs so they can drive up the price'

'What kind of scum does something like that?' asked Mozzie. He could work in gray areas when it came to fencing art or running confidence schemes but even he drew the line when it came to crimes that had a direct negative impact on people's lives. Over the years, Mozzie had been instrumental in helping Neal and Peter with various aspects of their cases, providing intel or agreeing to participate in some scheme or another to bring to justice some bad guy – not that Mozzie ever thought of himself in that category. Truth be told, the gray areas in which Mozzie operated were relatively harmless if not annoying for Peter and the White Collar team.

'The kind that are trying to make money off poor innocent vulnerable people' answered Peter

Elizabeth interrupted when she brought out dessert. She had baked a strawberry shortcake and she had placed the cake topping from Neal and Sara's wedding cake on top. It was a bride holding a baton arm in arm with a groom in a tracking anklet. Everybody broke out into applause as she placed the cake on the table and they started to reminisce about the wedding a year ago in June's beautiful home.

A lot has changed since then not the least of which was apparent when they looked at Hope. A year ago, she was merely an infant and now she had turned into hell on wheels as she continued to develop into a happy and well adjusted toddler. When Hope was just short of a year old, Neal and Sara had moved to White Plains, in a three bedroom home with a two car garage and they drove an SUV around suburbia running errands and taking their daughter on play dates. If you had told Neal five years ago that this was the life he would be living, he would never have believed it and yet he loved his life, his wife, his daughter, his job, their home.

Neal looked around the table. They were definitely an unusual family – odd bedfellows who somehow came together whenever one of them needed help or support – and he wouldn't have it any other way.

WCWCWCWCWCWCWC

The following Monday was Sara's follow-up appointment with Dr. Cooper. Neal was not scheduled to go into the White Collar unit that week as things had slowed down on the fraud case while they awaited a search warrant. He had been called in by Mailing-Dow, a large insurance company to authenticate some art they had recovered but basically, he was set to spend most of the week at home with Hope.

Sara arrived for her lunch time appointment and waited while Dr. Cooper caught up on a back log of appointments. She had been called in to the hospital to help deliver a baby and now she was running late. By the time Sara's name was called, it was nearly 1:30 and she was starting to get pissed off. She was just about to call it quits and go back to her office when she heard her name.

'Sorry about the wait' said Dr. Cooper as she joined Sara in her office 'A little boy, well not so little – over nine pounds'

'Oh my' said Sara thinking back to Hope's birth momentarily

'Sara, I haven't been able to see what I want to see with this ultra sound. There's a mass on your left ovary and that in and of itself is not unusual or worrisome but I do want to explore further and make sure it's benign. The best way to do that is to have a pelvic CT scan'

'You're kidding' said Sara thinking this was all such a nuisance

'I'm afraid it's a necessary evil especially since you are trying to conceive. This could be a factor in whether you're successful or not' added Dr. Cooper as she took her glasses off to look at Sara.

'We can get you in this Friday first thing in the morning at White Plains Hospital, near your home. You could be in and out within half an hour'

'Alright' said Sara reluctantly

Friday rolled around and she arrived for her scan at White Plains Hospital promptly at eight o'clock. Dr. Cooper had been right; she was in and out in no time and at her desk, coffee in hand by nine thirty. The day seemed to drag on; Sara was looking forward to the weekend - she was excited because she and Neal had decided to go away with Hope to Lake George for a quick getaway. They were calling for beautiful weather and there was a theme park called Magic Forest that they thought Hope would really like. It was about a three hour drive to Lake George - they would spend Saturday night there and slowly make their way back for Sunday dinner at the Burkes.

Sara was no longer the single-minded, driven career woman she had once been. Sure, she was dedicated to her job and an invaluable asset to Sterling Bosch but her life was about more than work and with Neal and Hope in the picture, that had become very quickly apparent. Sara preferred to put in her hours and get home for dinner every night. Although she regularly did work from home, she was committed to watching her daughter grow, having meals as a family and being there to read Hope a bedtime story.

On this day, she left work promptly at four, in a hurry to get home to pack and plan for the weekend.

'How did it go at the hospital?' asked Neal over dinner.

Hope was sitting between them making a mess of the bowl of shepherd's pie that was on her high chair. Although her parents made sure she ate enough, they encouraged her to use a spoon and feed herself as much as possible which was a hit and miss proposition. At 15 months, Hope often missed the mark, getting food in her nose, her hair and mostly on the floor. But it was all part of learning and Neal, who read about child development as much as time allowed thanks to his trusty Google search engine, felt this was an important part of fostering her independence.

'Fine, quick and painless' Sara answered. 'Hopefully, that's the end of that'

'Are they going to call you with the results?' he asked, concern creeping into his voice

'I guess Dr. Cooper's office will be in touch' Sara said dismissively. Frankly, it was Friday night and she was looking forward to their little vacation and doctors' appointments were the furthest thing from her mind.

As it turned out, they had a fabulous weekend. Like her father, Hope was quite the extravert and she loved the company of other children so whenever they went out in public, she inevitably made new friends. She spent the weekend squealing with joy at the various activities available at the theme park and she fell asleep, exhausted, in the king size bed she was sharing with her parents at the local Holiday Inn. Neal looked down at her fondly, resigned to the fact that he would not be putting any moves on his wife this weekend...

Unavoidably, Monday rolled around once again and both Neal and Sara returned to their regular activities. The phone rang in Sara's office just as she was about to step out for her weekly management meeting.

'Hi, Mrs Caffrey' said the receptionist 'It's Dr. Cooper's office. Dr. Cooper was wondering if you could come by later today. She's gotten the results of your latest test. She could see you at five'

'Oh dear, that's not ideal' said Sara 'Any other time?'

'Dr. Cooper would really like it to be today' insisted the receptionist

'Alright, I'll make it work. I'll be there at five' answered Sara

She grabbed her phone and texted Neal as she made her way to the meeting

'I'll be home a little later. Dr. Cooper wants to see me at five' she wrote

Neal was sitting at the park watching Hope in the sandbox playing with another little girl when his phone dinged indicating a text from Sara.

'OK' he responded 'Do you need me to come along?'

'No, you just get dinner on the table and get Hope fed and I'll see you when I'm done xx' she wrote back

Neal suddenly had a sinking feeling and immediately shook it off as he took in his daughter who was giggling as she filled her pail with sand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

At 4:55, Sara sat in the waiting room of Dr. Cooper's office. She was the only patient in the waiting area as office hours were officially over. Not a good sign when the doctor asks to see you after hours, she thought. She wondered, in passing, if she should have taken Neal up on his offer to come to the appointment with her.

Dr. Cooper stepped into the waiting room.

'Sara, hi! Come on back' she said leading the way to her office

Sara sat, crossing her legs, picking up on a weird vibration. She had known Dr. Cooper for twelve years and had gotten to know her quite well. She had been a confidant when Sara had first gotten pregnant, had been there when Hope was born and she's always been a source of support for Sara over the years.

'Sara' Dr. Cooper began 'The last CT scan we ran is showing some irregularities in that growth on your left ovary. The shape and size is indicative of some unhealthy cell growth'

Sara held her breath as she waited for the word she was dreading but it didn't come as such.

'I want to refer you to an excellent specialist, Dr. Gerard Franklin' said Dr. Cooper

'What kind of specialist?' asked Sara

'He's an oncologist' answered Dr. Cooper

'So, it's cancer, for sure' Sara spoke, softly

'Well, until he does some exploration, either through a biopsy or actual surgery, he will not be able to give you a definitive diagnosis but this tumor has all the markings of a cancerous tumor and we must deal with it quickly. Dr. Franklin will be able to recommend the best course of action for your situation. This is really beyond my scope of expertise but I will be getting all your test results as well as his reports so I will remain involved. I'm so sorry to have to give you this news, Sara'

Sara just looked at the doctor blankly.

'Sara, are you alright? Do you need me to call Neal to come and get you?'

'No, no, I'm OK' said Sara automatically

'I thought about suggesting you to bring him along but I know you have your hands full with Hope as well. Perhaps it was wrong of me…'

'No, I'm fine Dr. Cooper, really' she repeated 'When will I see this specialist?'

'We've booked you in for Thursday afternoon'

Sara's eyes widened 'So soon?'

'It's important to act quickly and get this dealt with' said Dr. Cooper

'Sure, I understand'

'Laurie at the desk will give you all the information regarding the time and place. I recommend that someone come with you to that appointment, preferably your husband. You'll have a lot of questions and it's always good to have someone to take notes and help you get the information you need'

Sara's phone buzzed indicating a call. It was Neal. She sent the call to voicemail.

'OK, Thursday' she repeated, slightly dazed

'Will you be alright to make your way home, Sara?' she asked, concerned

'Yes, yes of course. I'll be fine. Thank you Dr. Cooper' she said standing and walking out of the office and towards the receptionist's desk

The ride home on the train was quiet. Sara's mind was in a complete overdrive yet numb as if she was processing some information that was completely foreign to her – like quantum physics. Of course, this possibility had crossed her mind, and Neal's, but you don't ever really think it will happen to you so she hadn't dwelled on it. Now, she had to face this. She had cancer. CANCER. Granted, it wasn't the death sentence it used to be but ovarian cancer, that was one of the worse ones to get – they called it the silent killer because it didn't have any definitive symptoms.

If it hadn't been for her regular examination, she would have totally ignored the bloating and indigestion she'd been feeling the last few months. Oh my God, she thought, suddenly terrified, how was she going to tell Neal… and Hope, she was just a baby – she needed her mom. She'd heard horror stories about cancer treatments and if that's where she was headed, their life would be totally turned upside down. Maybe she could keep this from Neal, at least until Thursday when she saw the specialist. Who was she kidding? Neal picked up on her slightest mood changes – he could instantly tell when she'd had a rough day at work; she never could keep anything from him. She looked up and realized she was already at the White Plains station.

She stepped off the train and walked the few blocks home.

'I'm home!' she shouted as she walked into the house

Neal called out 'We're in the kitchen.' She could hear Hope saying 'Mama, mama' and Neal answering 'Yes, Mommy's home' as Hope clapped her hands in glee. Sara smiled.

'Hey, you two' she said as she walked into the kitchen. Neal was sitting at the table helping Hope as she fed herself some applesauce which appeared to be smeared all over her face and her high chair.

'Mama, mama' repeated Hope

'Hello, angel' said Sara as she walked over to kiss her daughter. She could feel Neal's eyes boring into her, trying to get a sense of how things had gone at the doctor's office. She turned to her husband and smiled.

'Hey you!' she said as she kissed him briefly on the lips

'So, how did it go?' he asked still staring at her

'OK. I'll tell you after dinner. I'm going to go get changed. What are we having?' Sara asked, not giving him a chance to study her eyes

'Quiche' Neal answered as he continued to feed Hope 'Baby girl, what are you doing?' he added as Hope smeared some applesauce on his nose. 'That's for your mouth!'

Sara heard Hope giggling as she made her way upstairs to change. The minute she stepped into her's and Neal's bedroom, she immediately broke down and started to sob. She threw herself on the bed, not wanting to make any noise that could be heard from downstairs. She pulled a pillow to her face to cover the loud noises she was suddenly making. After a minute or so, she pulled herself together and walked over to the closet to hang up her suit and change into some jeans and a sweat shirt as she glanced at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and so was her nose – she would never be able to keep this from Neal. She knew that the second he looked at her, he would know everything. She washed her face and ran down the stairs as cheerfully as she possibly could.

Neal was taking the quiche out of the oven as she walked back in. He looked over at her face and although she could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew something was up, all he said was 'Just in time, dinner's ready' as he set the quiche on the table.

They ate mostly in silence, talking with Hope, coaxing her to try the asparagus in the quiche which she reacted to by throwing it on the floor and grimacing.

At one point, Neal just put his hand over hers but Sara pulled away afraid that any contact might bring on another outburst. Neal just bided his time – it was already almost seven o'clock and Hope would soon be in bed giving them plenty of time to talk. They cleaned up together as Neal told Sara about their visit to the park and Hope's new word – cookie.

Neal carried Hope upstairs to give her a bath while Sara put away the dishes and sat at the kitchen table to turn on her laptop. She usually spent about an hour in the early evening catching up on emails and checking her schedule for the next day but this time, she fired up a search engine and typed in 'ovarian cancer'. Her eyes widened as she began to read and she was so engrossed that she didn't hear Neal come up behind her, having put Hope to bed.

'NO!' she heard him shout and she turned to see Neal looking down horrified at the computer screen.

She stood and threw herself in his arms as she felt a flood of tears coming on for the second time today. She felt Neal's arms encircle her and hold her tight; she'd had a few hours to mull this over but he was just clueing in now…

After a moment, she pulled away and wiped her eyes. She looked at the shock on Neal's face as he tried to keep it together. They both sat down at the table and he took her hand.

'What exactly did she say?' he finally asked, collecting himself

'Ovarian cancer… She's sending me to an oncologist this week to talk about the next steps, treatment, whatever, I can't remember everything she said…'

'OK. We can do this, Sara. It could be really early stages, right, we don't know. You've been reading about it?' he asked as he turned the screen towards him 'I'm not sure that's a good idea, sweetie. No two cases are the same and you don't want to get ideas in your head before you know for sure'

'I know, you're right but I can't help wanting to understand this type of cancer, how it works, treatment options. Neal, we have to be ready to tackle this and we need to decide what we're prepared to do - '

Neal cut her off 'What do you mean, what we're prepared to do - we'll do anything it takes…'

'Some of the treatment options have really severe side effects, surgery, chemo, radiation…'

Neal just looked at her and he was filled with sadness. His beautiful wife, so full of life and so full of energy was being attacked by a senseless disease. He instantly knew that he would have to let her take the lead and make her own decisions and he would have to support her in any way he possibly could. His mind started reeling… Should he stop working altogether? What about her, should she stop working? Appointments, specialists, treatments... Who would care for Hope when he needed to be with Sara? How would Sara cope? Would she be in any pain? What was the prognosis? What were the odds for this type of cancer? What would the side-effects be?

He forced himself to stop as he looked at Sara's beautiful face. She counted on him to keep it together just like he had counted on her in the past when things were rough for him.

'Sara, we'll get through this, together. I promise you. I'm here and you can count on me for anything, anything you need, ok?'

Sara looked up at her husband, her loving, caring husband who had so much empathy he couldn't even be in the same room when Hope got her vaccinations. She hated to think about what this would do to him.

'You're right. One thing at a time. Let's see what this specialist has to say'

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Sara didn't speak much about the situation over the next few days; she tried to keep her spirits up for Neal as much as herself. Neal was being particularly thoughtful and seemed to be catering to Sara's every whim – which she hated. She did not want to be perceived as this needy person who depended on someone else. Sure, Sara and Neal always supported each other when one or the other had a rough day or was trying to work through something but they had never had to face anything of this proportion before.

When Neal had been framed and thrown in jail a few days before their wedding, she had stood by him and supported him but it had only lasted a few days and she had been able to contribute somehow to getting him out. This new challenge was in a league all its own and at this point, neither of them had any control over the outcome of the situation.

Neal was scheduled to go in to the White Collar offices on Thursday and Friday and Hope was supposed to go to Ashley's. Sara insisted that he not change his plans and that Neal just meet her at the hospital at 3 o'clock.

WCWCWCWCWCWCWC

Neal arrived at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center before Sara did. He sat in the waiting room and waited for Sara to arrive. There were dozens of patients seated around him in various stages of treatment. Some looked sickly, pale and underweight, some had hats or turbans on to cover hair loss, others looked well – were they in recovery or like Sara, were they at the beginning of this horrible adventure, he wondered.

Sara arrived, spotted Neal and walked up to him, smiling nervously as she kissed him hello. Neal thought she looked so strong and determined; he hoped that he was projecting the same fortitude and strength. After a few moments, Sara's name was called and she was led into the back where the examination rooms and offices were situated. Neal was amazed at the size of this place – all these people were struggling somehow with cancer – he had no idea there were so many cancer patients in the New York area. Many of them were people he probably crossed on the street every day without any idea that they were suffering in their day to day lives.

Neal smiled at Sara and he held her hand as they waited for the doctor to make an appearance. After about five minutes, a young Asian woman came in. She introduced herself as Anna Wong; she was a medical student who had been tasked with the job of going over Sara's history before the oncologist came in. She asked Sara about her gynecological history: what age she had started her period, the methods of birth control she had used over the years, if she'd had any pregnancies or if she'd used any fertility drugs. Neal's mind wandered as he watched Sara, poised and self-assured as she answered one question after another, patiently listening to each request. Anna finally finished the preliminaries and stepped out of the room, leaving Neal and Sara alone. Neal just squeezed Sara's hand and kissed her knuckles. Sara appeared calm but Neal knew her all too well and he was aware that she was shaking slightly when he put her hand down in her lap. He took out the small notepad he had brought and a pen so he would be ready to take notes when the doctor arrived.

Finally, an older man entered, about sixty years old, salt and pepper hair, kind face, smiling eyes.

'Mrs Caffrey' he said taking Sara's hand 'I'm Dr. Franklin, head of gynecological oncology. It's nice to meet you'

He looked over at Neal who put out his hand 'Hi, Neal Caffrey, I'm Sara's husband'

'Would you prefer I call you Sara?' asked Dr. Franklin

'Yes, please' she answered

'Sara, I've looked at the ultrasound you had done at your OB/GYN's office as well as the CT scan they took at White Plains. There is no doubt that this is a suspicious growth on your left ovary. It is approximately the size of an orange and it is pressing on your bladder and other internal organs. Do you often have an urgent need to urinate?'

'Yes, I do' answered Sara who had never made the connection 'And often, I need to go to the bathroom twice during the night. I thought it was because I'd had a baby...'

'This growth is carrying some unhealthy cells – cancer cells - and my job is to remove the mass and make sure that these cells haven't spread to any other parts of your pelvic cavity like your uterus or cervix or your other ovary. Is there any chance you could be pregnant at the moment?' he asked

Neal and Sara exchanged looks.

Sara answered 'We've been trying for about three of four months so I suppose it's possible.' She hadn't even thought of that possibility.

'We'll do a pregnancy test before we begin any treatment. Until we perform the surgery, I suggest you use birth control to make certain you don't get pregnant in the meantime' said Dr. Franklin

Neal thought of how much they had been wanting another baby and the thought that Sara might be pregnant and have to terminate the pregnancy seemed like an impossible notion.

'Sara, there is no doubt that we need to operate and remove this mass. After we remove the tumor, and while you're still under, we will do a quick analysis of the mass to determine the make-up of the tumor. We do this by slicing through the mass and examining different portions of it. That's what will tell us what type of cancer we are dealing with'

Neal piped up 'How many types are there?'

'The most common is epithelial which is a cancer that starts on the surface layer covering the ovary. Within that category, there are several subtypes and some are more aggressive than others. This first examination should tell us this. Then, we want to look at the stage of the cancer which means we want to see how widespread it is. I understand you have a daughter.'

'Yes, a fifteen month old' answered Sara

'And you said earlier, you were planning on having other children?'

Neal and Sara both nodded and he took her hand in his, once again.

'I will certainly take that into consideration when we are doing the surgery. If you were a 50 year old woman who had finished having her babies, I would be inclined to suggest a full hysterectomy right off the bat. That means removing both ovaries, the uterus, and cervix'

Sara looked at him and her eyes widened 'So, do I need a full hysterectomy?'

'That's not clear right now but we have to be prepared for that eventuality. During surgery, I will take cell samples from your uterus and your cervix and we will do a quick analysis. I will do my best to give you a chance at having more children however I need you to understand that if you have spreading of cancer cells, I will have to carry out a full hysterectomy'

Sara looked at Neal and she nodded. He could see that tears were starting to form in her eyes. He put a protective arm around her and he pulled her in a little closer to him.

'I would like to do this surgery as soon as possible. I have an opening next Thursday' he said as he typed in some information on the computer next to him

Neal looked at Sara. 'So soon' she said

'We really need to do this as quickly as possible. In the case of a more aggressive type of cancer cell, a few weeks could make a difference'

'OK' she finally said 'Next Thursday. Will it be done here and will you do it yourself?'

'Yes, I will do it myself and soon after the surgery, I will have more answers for both of you and we can discuss additional treatment, if necessary.'

'You mean like radiation or chemotherapy?' asked Sara; Neal could see she was shaking

'There are protocols for the treatment of each type of cancer but we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves. The first step is surgery – that removes the mass. That's the most effective treatment right now. Then we see if anything else is necessary to make you healthy'

Neal picked up on the fact that the doctor had used the word 'make' and not 'keep' and he felt a shiver as he realized that Sara was suffering from a life threatening disease that needed immediate attention.

'Do you have any other questions?' he asked, kindly as he put his hand on Sara's hand

'What are the dangers of the surgery?' said Sara, voice quiet

'This is major surgery and every surgery has risks, that's for certain. My job is to advise you as to the best course of action for your situation. In your case, the benefits that can come from this surgery far outweigh the dangers associated with it.' He stopped as Sara absorbed this information.

'Well, if you think of any other questions after you leave, here's the clinic's card. I work with five other doctors and any one of us can respond to your questions at any time so don't hesitate to call before your surgery if you have any concerns. One of our nurses will be in to give you some information about preparing for the surgery. Ok, Sara?'

Sara nodded.

'So I will see you next week and try not to worry, we'll take good care of you' he said as he rose to leave

Sara and Neal both shook his hand and he was gone leaving them in disbelief as the enormity of what they were facing finally hit home.

WCWCWCWCWCWCWC

It was Friday morning and Neal walked into the White Collar offices, still feeling shell-shocked from the day before. It always felt good to walk into the offices - although he really enjoyed his time with Hope, especially now that she was talking and so interested in everything, he had to admit he missed the camaraderie of the office, seeing people on a daily basis and being able to talk about other things besides Curious George and the Velveteen Rabbit.

He was still reeling from the news they had heard in the doctor's office the day before and when he and Sara had gotten home, he had tried to remain positive, letting her know that he had every confidence that she would be fine. It was a fine balancing act – he wanted to be positive about the outcome but he also had to be sensitive to how Sara was feeling so he could be there for her and give her the support she needed. On top of all that, he also needed to deal with his own feelings and the utter hopelessness he felt at the mere thought that he could lose her. That, he had to keep to himself at all costs.

'Hey Neal' Peter called out as his partner stepped off the elevator. Neal looked up, obviously deep in thought

'Peter, hi' said Neal as he snapped back to reality

Peter knew Neal so well and he immediately picked up on his mood.

'What's up?' he asked

'Nothing much' he lied but his eyes spoke volumes. Back in the day, Neal had mastered the ability to project any emotion he chose; that was part of the conman's life – be in control of what you project at all times. But as he developed more sincere relationships, he became out of practice and if there was one disadvantage to having more genuine relationships with those he cared about, it was that he was a lot more transparent and those closest to him could see right through him.

'I'm going to need a little more than that' said Peter, insisting 'Come on, let's go to my office'

Neal followed without much enthusiasm and sat across from Peter.

'So, Neal, it's me… what's going on?' said Peter

Neal just looked at him, with pain in his eyes. Once the words were out, it would make it real and he didn't want this to be real.

'It's Sara' Neal finally said, almost in a whisper

'What? What about Sara?' Peter asked as a few dozen scenarios went through his mind in rapid succession. Had she been hurt? Were they having marital problems? Was it her job? Did they have an argument?

Neal looked up at his partner with glistening eyes 'She's got cancer' he said, almost not believing the words himself

'What?' Peter said ineffectually. He had heard very clearly but he couldn't for the life of him think of anything intelligent to say

'Cancer. Ovarian cancer' Neal said in an eerie monotone

Peter put his face in his hands as he absorbed what he'd just heard and after a moment he recovered and turned his attention back to Neal who was just sitting across from him, motionless.

'I don't know what to say - I'm so sorry' he finally said knowing that just didn't cut it

'We met with the specialist at Kettering Sloan yesterday. They're going to operate next Thursday' Neal added, staring into space

'Is there anything El and I can do to help?' asked Peter as the enormity of what Neal had just told him hit fully

'We'll probably need some help with Hope' said Neal, softly 'I'm going to want to be with Sara at the hospital and she's going to need time to recover. We don't know yet if she's going to need any other treatment'

'Treatment?' asked Peter, still putting the pieces together

'You know, radiation, chemotherapy… we don't know yet' Neal's voice was so quiet that Peter had to strain to hear him.

'Of course we'll take Hope anytime, you know that. We love having her with us and we'll do anything we can to support you and Sara' said Peter, rising to come and stand by Neal and put a hand on his shoulder

Neal looked up at Peter standing next to him and his eyes filled with tears. All the worry and concern he hadn't been able to express in front of Sara came to a head as he began to weep like a child. Peter crouched down and put an arm around Neal as the younger man continued to sob loudly with his face in his hands.

Peter felt totally useless and hopeless. He was used to taking care of things, finding solutions to problems, making things better. But this was something he had no control over, something he couldn't fix and his heart broke at the sight of his friend totally shattered, unable to cope with what was happening.

Finally he spoke 'How's Sara?'

Neal began to pull himself together. 'She's still coping with the news. But she's so strong, Peter. And I need to be strong for her. I'm going to need your help so I can keep it together – the last thing she needs is a blubbering husband…'

'You wouldn't be normal if you didn't react like this' said Peter 'This is your wife…'

Neal just nodded. He knew he and Sara could count on their extended family and that Peter would be there to support him in the weeks and months to come.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

The following week dragged on - Sara was anxious to have the surgery behind her and she put in longer hours at work as she prepared to take time off after the operation. The doctor had confirmed that she would require about six weeks to recover and if she needed additional treatment, that would begin after the six weeks were up.

Neal was preoccupied but he tried to give Sara some space while being attentive to any and all of her mood changes. Like her, he was worried but he didn't want to be negative; he knew she was walking that same fine line. They spent their evenings at home with Hope. Knowing she would be less capable of lifting her and caring physically for her while she healed, Sara took every opportunity to spend time with her daughter, playing with her, giving her a bath, putting her to bed.

At night, Neal and Sara would lie in bed, holding each other, often in silence, lost in thought. They spoke little about the upcoming surgery – they knew talking about it wasn't going to change anything.

The weekend was spent as a family. They went to the park, had a picnic and spent time with the Burkes. Peter and Elizabeth were being supportive, as always, and some of Hope's things were brought over to their place to prepare for the longer hours she would be spending there over the next few weeks.

On Sunday afternoon, sitting in the Burkes' backyard with a glass of lemonade while Hope played in the sandbox Peter had built for her, the discussion turned to the plans for the upcoming week.

'What time do you have to be there on Thursday?' asked Elizabeth as she poured herself a glass

'Early. Before seven' answered Neal

'Let's get Hope all settled over here on Wednesday then' said Peter

'That makes sense, we have a pre-op appointment on Wednesday afternoon anyway' said Sara 'You know, Ashley is more than happy to take her on Thursday and Friday. That way, you can have a bit of a break'

Elizabeth looked at her friend 'Are you kidding, and deprive us of having her here with us?'

'You know, I'll probably be in hospital for about four or five days so pace yourselves, ok?' added Sara

'Neal, why don't you come and stay in our guest room while Sara's in the hospital. You'll be closer to the hospital and that way, you wouldn't have to shuttle Hope back and forth between the White Plains and Brooklyn. And, you can come and go and know that we're always here to cover you' suggested Peter

'That's not a bad idea' answered Neal 'Thanks guys. I don't know how we would get through this without you'

Elizabeth reached out to touch his hand. 'We're family. This is what family does'

Sara was suddenly aware of the love surrounding her and the support she could always count on. She resolved to let these wonderful people know just how much they meant to her.

WCWCWCWCWCWCWC

Monday morning came and Sara returned to Sterling Bosch to finish up a few files before the middle of the week. After Wednesday, who knew how long she would be away and she wanted to make sure she didn't leave things in disarray. She did, however, have something personal she needed to tend to so she rose to close the door to her office and sat down at her desk pulling out a box of stationery from her top drawer. She took a deep breath and began to write :

_Dear Elizabeth,_

_If you are reading this, it is because, for some reason I did not make it. I want to start by telling you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me, for Neal, for Hope, for our family. You have been so supportive of me and Neal, you've given so much of yourself to help us work through our issues. You've also been an amazing godmother to Hope but now I need you to step it up even more. I wasn't expecting to leave behind a 15 month old and I can't bear the thought of her not having a strong woman in her life to support her and help her through the everyday ups and downs. Of course, she's got Neal and he is an amazing dad but he can never be a role model for her – but you can. You are one of the strongest women I know, Elizabeth, and I am so grateful that you are there for Hope. I want her to grow up knowing that she can do whatever she wants in life and I know that this is something she will learn just by watching you. _

_It's also important for me to know that Neal will go on and meet someone else. When the time is right, I am counting on you to give him that extra little push to put himself out there and meet a woman he can share his life with. Make sure he knows that this is what I wanted for him – to be happy and to go on with his life. He's only 36 years old and I don't want to think of him pining for me for the next 50 years. He needs to get a life and I'm counting on you to nudge him in that direction. I realize that I am asking a lot of you, dear friend, but fate has intervened and although I've tried everything to stay with my family, it wasn't meant to be._

_Your friend,_

_Sara_

_xx_

Sara picked up the letter, folded it and carefully placed it in an envelope as she put Elizabeth's name on it in her tidy handwriting. She picked up a second piece of paper and once again began writing:

_Dear Peter,_

_Thank you for your support over the past few years. You always believed in Neal and me and if we ended up together, it's largely because you believed in us. But I am gone now and I have a very big favor to ask of you. I need you to look out for Neal. He is the most gentle, sensitive and loving human being I have ever met and he will be hurting very badly. He's going to need you to stand by him and support him now that I'm no longer with him. He loves you Peter, he looks up to you and would do anything to make you proud but he also has to learn to take care of himself. And he has Hope to take care of now and he's going to find it difficult to carry on without me but with your support and love, I know he will make it._

_Thank you for being there for him and for loving our daughter as you do. She is so lucky to have a godfather like you, looking out for her. _

_Sara_

… and then a third.

_Dear Mozzie,_

_I realize that I have put you in a difficult position by asking you to hold on to these letters for me. You are the only one I can trust with this. I need to confess something: I know you have a heart of gold – as a matter of fact, I've known for a long time. You are Neal's oldest friend and he's going to need you to be there for him now that I'm gone. Please look out for him and don't let him sink into depression. He is not very open about his feelings and he needs people to be patient and draw things out of him. Most of his life, he pretended to be strong when he was feeling weak, pretended to be happy when he was hurt, pretended to be confident when he was filled with doubts and I don't want him to revert to being the old Neal. I'm counting on you Mozzie; and more importantly, Hope is counting on you too. She needs her loving, caring dad._

_Thank you for looking out for them_

_Sara _

She took a deep breath and walked over to the window looking out at the Manhattan skyline. Her surgery was in three days… She wanted to believe that she would come out of it alright and that she and Neal would have a long and happy life with their children but she needed to cover all her bases. What if something happened on the operating table? She had to be ready just in case…

She sat down once again. The hardest letter was still left to write. She looked up at the video camera sitting in front of her. She wanted to leave Hope a spoken message; one of her worse fears was that Hope would forget her voice… her face.

She took out one last piece of stationery and slowly began writing, once again.

_My darling Neal,_

_This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do - writing the love of my life a goodbye letter. I know you are hurting right now, that you miss me, that you don't understand how this could possibly have happened. But for some reason we cannot comprehend, it has happened and I need you to take the time you need to grieve and then to go on with your life, do it for me, do it for Hope and do it for yourself. You have been the most amazing friend, lover, husband and father I could ever have imagined. You fulfilled me in every single way: you made me laugh, you kept me sane, you brought balance and love into my life and you need to know that the time I spent with you was the best time of my entire life. _

_I know you've had more than your share of losses in your life but, Neal, you are strong and Hope needs you. I'm counting on you to be there for our daughter and to help her remember me. Please make sure every day that she knows just how much I loved her and how I would have done anything for her and when she does all those wonderful things she will do, let her know how proud I would've been of her._

_Please, Caffrey, don't cry for me. This was my destiny – remember us at our best, laughing in bed, sharing a good bottle of wine, holding our newborn daughter, making love on Sunday mornings. And when you are done grieving, go out and start a new life with someone who deserves you and sees you for the amazing man you are. Promise me._

_I will always love you._

_Sara_

_xx_

She realized as she put her pen down that the tears were falling on the letter she was writing and she quickly wiped her eyes.

She had one more job to do. She got up, turned on the video camera and returned to her desk.

Looking into the camera, she began:

'Hi, sweet angel, it's your mom…'

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Mozzie was over for dinner, something he had been doing frequently over the past year.

He'd usually show up unannounced but sometimes Neal made a point of inviting him over for a specific date, usually on a weekend night or when Peter and Elizabeth were coming over.

This particular evening was one of those spur of the moment deals. It was the Monday night before Sara's surgery and Mozzie had shown up sometime in the afternoon. Sara came home around five o'clock to find Neal and Mozzie hunched over some building plans at the dining room table while Hope was toddling around the room going between the toys that were set up nearby and her daddy whom she always kept close by.

Sara never asked about their dealings. She trusted Neal would never do anything to jeopardize their life and if he consulted on some unseemly dealings with Mozzie from time to time, she turned a blind eye. The two friends had a lot of history and she would never ask Neal to stop seeing Mozzie. And Mozzie, well… Mozzie was Mozzie and continued to plot and scheme and sometimes he just needed a little advice from his old partner in crime.

'I'm home' Sara called out as she opened the front door. Hope toddled over to her mother.

'Mama, mama, home' she said as she threw herself in Sara's arms.

'Hello sweet girl' Sara responded as she scooped her up in her arms and carried her over to where Neal and Mozzie were sitting.

'Hey you two' she said as she approached the table. The men looked up at her and Neal locked eyes with her anticipating a kiss which she delivered as she smiled down at him.

'What are you boys up to?' she asked and then added 'Never mind, don't tell me. You staying for dinner, Mozzie?'

'Mossie' repeated Hope

'Sure, thanks' said Mozzie 'my dance card just happens to be free tonight'

'There's a roast in the oven' chimed in Neal as Sara walked away towards the kitchen, carrying Hope in her arms

'You want to help Mommy set the table?' said Sara as she looked at her smiling daughter.

'-able' she repeated. Hope was now repeating everything she heard which, depending on the nature of the conversation her parents were having at the time, could be a good thing… or not. Her language was changing daily and she had a good ten, twelve words that she spoke spontaneously and in the proper context. She could call out for her mom or dad, she said Elizabeth and Peter's names – although Elizabeth sounded more like 'esbet' and she could name some of her body parts – her favorite being the nose, especially Neal's nose which she grabbed at every possible occasion mostly because it was a game and he did the same back to her and it made her laugh. She could ask for her special stuffed toy – a pink elephant that Peter had gotten her which she called 'ef-fant' and she called Satchmo 'sach'. She also talked about herself in the third person and had started using up to three word sentences such as 'Ope do it' which meant 'I want to do it by myself' and of course, she had mastered the infamous 'NO' a landmark for any toddler worth her salt.

When Mozzie came into the kitchen to get a glass of wine, Sara took him aside. She'd been hoping to have a minute alone with him.

'Mozzie, I need to talk to you about something, but not here' she whispered

'I could set up a clandestine meeting in the park just remember to ask about the mockingbird - ' he answered, a little too loudly for her taste

'Shh. I don't want to Neal to hear' she said, reprimanding him

'Now, Sara, you had your chance with me and you _settled _for Neal' he said

She rolled her eyes. 'Can we meet for lunch tomorrow?'

'Sure, how about that little coffee place by your office' he suggested

'OK, noon at – '

'What are you two plotting?' said Neal as he walked into the kitchen

'Your wife is hitting on me…. again' said Mozzie, as he sipped his Shiraz

'Honey, I told you, if you wanted Mozzie, you should have married _him' _said Neal coming up behind Sara, grabbing her by the waist and kissing her.

'Come on Hope. Let's go play in the other room. Your parents are at it again' said Mozzie with an air of disdain as Neal continued to kiss Sara.

'So, how are you feeling today?' asked Neal, as he continued to hold his wife

'I'm fine, Neal. Please stop doting on me'

'The surgery is in two days Sara, I'm allowed to dote' he said nuzzling her neck

'Alright' she said 'dote away' as she let herself melt in his arms

WCWCWCWCWCWC

Sara took the small box out of her desk drawer and headed out of her office. 'I'm going out for a while' she told her assistant as she left.

Mozzie was already waiting when she got to the coffee shop and he was looking around furtively in his usual paranoid Mozzie way when she walked up to the table.

'Hey Moz' she said touching his shoulder gently as she walked around him to take her place across from him.

'Alright, Sara. What's going on? It's not Neal's birthday and I haven't lifted anything from your place since that unfortunate incident last Christmas…'

'Mozzie…' Sara smiled indulgently; interrupting him 'I need a favor'

Mozzie could tell by the serious look in her eyes that something was up, something that required he tone down his sarcasm.

'OK' he said, suddenly and unusually serious

'I'm going in for my cancer surgery on Thursday' she began

'I know. I'm sure it will go well, Sara' he said, feeling uncomfortable. Mozzie hated these types of touchy-feely conversations and avoided them like the plague

'I'm hoping for the best and I have a lot of confidence in my surgeon but this is major surgery and anything can happen…

'Sara - '

'Mozzie, please I need you to listen to me. Neal is trying so hard to keep it together for me and I can tell, every time I look in his eyes, how difficult this is for him. I can't talk to him about this right now. I don't want him to think…' she stopped trying to choose her words carefully

She looked down at the table and continued 'I've prepared some stuff, just in case something goes wrong with the surgery…'

Again Mozzie interrupted her: 'Sara, you can't be thinking like this'

'Mozzie' she continued, fighting back tears 'I've never faced my mortality before…. And I can't bear the thought of something happening and not having had a last chance to tell Neal how I feel and to make sure Hope knows, for later, you know…' she said finally choking up

Mozzie just sat quietly and took her hand. Sara looked up at him and smiled through her tears.

She opened the box she had brought with her and took out a number of envelopes.

'This is for Neal. If anything happens to me, can you make sure he gets this? And this' she continued as she took out a CD, 'is for Hope. When Neal looks at it, it will be self-explanatory. I also have these for Peter and Elizabeth and there's one for you as well'

She handed the items to Mozzie who took them reluctantly

'Just because I'm taking these doesn't mean I believe something bad's going to happen' he said sharply as if reprimanding her

'I know, Mozzie, I know. I just feel better knowing that I got all this off my chest.'

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The phone rang at the Burkes; it was 8:50 on a Tuesday night just as Peter was about to take Satchmo out for a walk.

'Hi Peter, it's Sara'

'Sara, everything ok?' Peter asked, concerned

'I don't know. Have you seen Neal? He hasn't come home and he's not answering his phone' Sara sounded worried

'He left the office at around three. I thought he said something about meeting Mozzie' said Peter thinking back to his last conversation with Neal

'Yeah, he was supposed to meet Mozzie at around four but Mozzie says they got their signals mixed up and Neal never showed up. Peter, I'm a little worried. Is Neal working on anything with you that could be dangerous?'

'Well, we're investigating some pharmaceutical company for fraud but we're just getting started on the case so I doubt he'd be doing anything on his own' said Peter, now getting worried himself. He secretly wished it was the old days when he could track Neal with his anklet…

'Can you try to find him, please? It's almost 9 o'clock and he's never done anything like this before. He missed Hope's bedtime which is just not like him.' Peter could tell Sara was on the verge of tears.

'OK. Let me see what I can do. Try not to worry' he said trying to sound reassuring

Peter dialed Neal's number and he answered on the first ring.

'Peeeter, hi' said Neal not sounding at all like himself. There was a lot of noise in the background – sounded like a party or a bar.

'Neal, where are you?' asked Peter, a little afraid of the answer

'I'm having a drink' answered Neal, words slurred

'How about I come and join you?' asked Peter

'Suuure, sounds good. I'm at The Pony Bar on 75th'

'I'll be right there, buddy' said Peter as he hung up

Peter grabbed a jacket and immediately dialed Sara as headed for his car 'Sara, I found him. He's at a bar. Did something happen? He sounded sloshed'

'What? Neal, sloshed? No, I talked to him at around two this afternoon. Everything was fine'

'I'm going to go get him. Don't worry, ok? I just wanted you to know he's safe' added Peter as he put his key in the ignition

'Thanks' said Sara, hanging up

Peter arrived at the bar about twenty minutes later hoping Neal hadn't deteriorated since he'd talked to him. He had never seen Neal drunk. He had seen him drugged on a couple of occasions and Neal was very chatty in those instances. He wasn't sure what to expect as he walked into the place and started to look around for him. Neal was sitting in the back, alone at a table with an empty glass in front of him. He was signalling the waitress to bring him over another drink. He spotted Peter coming towards him.

'Hey buddy!' he said loudly 'oh and bring my buddy a scotch too' he yelled at the waitress as she walked away

Peter sat in front of Neal and just waited to see if Neal would offer any explanation as to his state. He didn't have to wait long, Neal was obviously feeling talkative.

'This is nice, Peter, having a drink together. You know, we don't do this often enough' He was slurring his words and appeared uncoordinated as he gesticulated and knocked over the empty glass that was on the table.

'I thought you'd be home with Sara and Hope' commented Peter, seeing if he'd hit a nerve. He did.

'Sara… Sara… she's getting ready to check out anyway' he said, not making much sense

The waitress arrived with their drinks and Neal smiled his Caffrey smile at her as he gave her a twenty dollar bill.

'Keep the change' he said

Neal pulled out an envelope from his jacket pocket and set it on the table. 'Sara doesn't even think she's going to survive this surgery. She wrote me a Dear John letter'

'What are you talking about?' asked Peter, trying to make some sense out of this disjointed conversation

Neal took a sip of his drink and he pushed the envelope towards Peter. He opened it and started to read. As first, he wasn't sure what he was reading but as he continued to take it in, he realized that Neal had somehow stumbled upon a letter Sara had meant to leave him in case something happened to her during her cancer surgery.

'Neal, why don't we get out of here and go grab a cup of coffee and talk about this somewhere a little quieter' he suggested, looking into his partner's eyes

Neal looked down, totally desolate.

'Come on' said Peter getting up and taking Neal's arm.

They walked a couple of blocks and the night air seemed to settle Neal down a little. It was also helping him focus although he was still most definitely drunk. They found a little coffee place and Peter ordered them each a coffee and a sandwich for Neal who, by all appearances had not bothered to eat anything.

'Do you want to start at the beginning and tell me what's going on?' asked Peter once the waitress had brought over their drinks.

Neal was starting to come out of his stupor and he began to realize what he'd done by taking off on a tear without even telling his wife where he was.

'Let me just call Sara' he finally said 'she's probably worried about me. She's been calling all night and she's left like a million messages' he said in that way people have of exaggerating when they're drunk

'It's ok. She knows you're alright. I called her before coming over. She _was_ worried, she was looking for you'

'I just didn't feel up to facing her. Her surgery is in a couple of days and I don't want her to know how worried I am'

'Oh, so your solution to not having her worry about you is to not show up at home for dinner and go on a bender' Peter said rather sternly

Neal looked up at Peter as he began to clue in to what he had done.

'I went over to Tuesday to meet Mozzie but I must have misunderstood because he called looking for me and he was at Saturday. So I started to leave when I saw some envelopes on his table and my name was on the envelope on top so I went ahead and opened it'

'First mistake'

Neal rolled his eyes.

'At first, it sounded like Sara was leaving me but then I realized she had left this letter for me in case something happens to her on Thursday. And there were envelopes for you and El and one for Mozzie too. I'm guessing she asked Mozzie to keep them just in case'

'Neal, you know Sara – she is extremely organized. She probably just wanted to cover that 1% chance that something could happen to her….'

Neal took a bite of his sandwich as he made a face – the food wasn't going down too well.

'Well, all of a sudden I realized that if she was scared then I should be too and I kinda panicked and needed to think so I went into this bar I was walking by'

'And you spent four hours drinking yourself into a stupor. Good problem solving there, Neal!'

Neal gave Peter a deathly stare.

'I wasn't thinking, obviously… Peter, I can't bear the thought of Sara not getting through this. She's putting on a brave face and I've been trying to as well but this letter tells me that she's really scared'

'And it didn't occur to you to go home, take your wife in your arms, tell her you love her and that everything would be alright'

'Is it too late to do that?' Neal asked forlorn

'Knowing how loving and forgiving your wife is, probably not' said Peter with an 'I told you so' look

'Look Neal, we're all worried about Sara. She could be facing a really tough time after the surgery and we all know that but you're gonna have to find a way to let off steam that doesn't involve a fifth of scotch. I'm here and you can talk to me anytime. I know you don't want her to see you this way and I don't blame you – I wouldn't want El to see me worried either but you have options. Don't keep it in – talk to me, please'

Neal just nodded and when he looked up, his eyes were full of tears.

'Peter, I love her so much... Did I tell you, we've been trying to have another baby? And now, this…. I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to her…. And Hope…. she needs her mom'

Peter listened carefully, nodding as Neal spoke.

'Would you mind taking me home?' Neal asked as he set down the rest of his sandwich with a grimace

'Come on' said Peter as he pulled out his wallet to pay the bill

Sara was sitting on the couch trying to concentrate on a stupid sitcom when she heard a car coming up the drive. She jumped to her feet and walked to the door just as Neal and Peter were coming up the walk.

'Found this guy by the side of the road, thought he might belong to you' said Peter in an attempt at levity.

He turned and walked back to the car leaving Neal as he entered the house with his eyes locked on Sara. She looked so worried and he instantly felt guilty at having put her through this, especially now.

He opened his arms and she ran into them, crying.

'I'm sorry' he said ever so softly as he put a hand in her hair to hold her close 'I'm an idiot'

'I'm just glad you're ok. You scared me' she answered holding him tight

She pulled away to look into his eyes. 'Where were you?' she added

Neal walked them both over to the couch and sat down heavily pulling her with him.

'I was over at Mozzie's and I found this' he said, pulling the envelope out of his jacket pocket

She looked at it, instantly recognizing her letter and sighed, deeply.

'I panicked Sara. I guess I didn't realize you were having these thoughts – these thoughts that you could… die' the last word came out in a choked voice as he pulled her to him.

Neal got a hold of himself. 'Sara, you're going to be fine. These doctors, they're the best and they do this kind of stuff every day. You can't be thinking like this, ok?' he said as he ran his hand through her hair.

After a moment, Sara nodded and said 'I'm exhausted. Can we go to bed?'

Neal rose and took her hand and they slowly made their way up the stairs to their room as they turned off lights along the way. When they got up to their bedroom, Neal sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands as he started to shake the last remnants of the alcohol he had ingested. Sara came in carrying a glass of water and a couple of aspirin as she sat next to him and put her arm around his shoulder.

'What's wrong with this picture?' he asked as he raised his eyes to look into hers

'Absolutely nothing, Caffrey' she answered as she placed a kiss on his cheek

'I'm the one who should be taking care of you – not the other way around' Neal said as tears welled up in his eyes

'You do, Neal, you do. We have to take care of each other. You've been a rock since this whole thing started. Taking care of everything - the house, Hope, me. You have to let off steam sometime; you're not superman…'

At this, Neal burst into tears once again, letting the tension of the past few weeks melt away. Sara pulled him onto the bed and held him, his head against her chest as she ran her fingers through his hair and spoke soothingly to him.

'Neal, I love you and I know how much you love me. You can't go around carrying all this on your shoulders. This isn't your fault and neither one of us can fix this. We have to stick together and that means you telling me how you're feeling and not keeping things from me'

'I'm sorry… for tonight. I should have come home and talked to you about the letter, about how I was feeling. Reading your last goodbye threw me for a loop and I totally lost it.'

'I never meant for you to see that letter, Neal. But you have to understand, I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen Thursday and just the thought that I might… you know, not make it – I had to let those who are most important to me know how I feel'

At that, Neal looked up and put his head on his pillow and pulled Sara to him, holding her tight. She was shaking.

'Are you cold?' he asked, kissing her hair

'No. Just hold me ok?' she asked as she put her arm around his waist to pull him even closer.

After a long while, she drifted off and once Neal heard her breathing even out, he was able to let go as well and drift into sleep.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Wednesday was the day of Sara's pre-op appointment - paperwork, meeting the anaesthesiologist and one last brief meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Franklin.

Sara was up at the crack of dawn, getting Hope ready to move temporarily to the Burkes' house. Neal, still reeling from the effects of his excesses from the night before, was lightly snoring as Sara moved around their bedroom getting her bag packed for the hospital. She could hear Neal stirring behind her and she turned to face him.

'Good morning sunshine' she said smiling

'Ugggh' said Neal, predictably

'How's your head?' asked Sara as she walked over to sit on the edge of the bed

'Exactly how it should feel when you've imbibed an excessive quantity of scotch the night before' Neal groaned 'More importantly, how are you' he asked as he ran his hand up and down Sara's arm

'I slept surprisingly well' she said 'Your daughter's been up for a couple of hours already. She's playing in her crib. You up for a little company?'

'Yeah' Neal answered, enthusiastically. He loved it when Hope came into their bed in the morning to play with him.

'Be right back' said Sara as she stepped out of the room

Neal looked over at the alarm clock by the bedside. It was already 8:30 and they had to be at the hospital at one o'clock. They had to get Hope packed and over to the Burkes and he would need some turnaround time to feel totally human again.

Hope toddled in 'Poppa, poppa' she squealed as she ran to Neal. He lifted her onto the bed and onto his stomach and she began to giggle. Nothing like a happy toddler to cure a hangover, Neal thought, as he began to tickle her.

Thanks to Sara's terrific organizational skills, they were packed and ready to head out to the Burkes by 11:45. Hope had been fed, washed, dressed, had her bags packed and was secure in her car seat as they pulled out of the driveway.

Neal and Sara pulled into the hospital parking lot with twenty minutes to spare and made their way to the admissions desk. The perky receptionist took down some basic information and directed the couple to the pre-op unit on the third floor. Sara was to have a brief chat with the anaesthesiologist and Dr. Franklin was set to drop by and discuss some last minute details about the surgery.

He was a busy man and they waited a good hour before he made his appearance, his face calm and reassuring.

'Hello Sara, how are you today?' he asked as he pulled up a chair to sit by her. 'And Neal' he added, shaking his hand.

'Fine' answered Sara 'A little anxious'

'I would expect nothing less' said Dr. Franklin, kindly. 'It's not every day one has major surgery. I'm confident everything will go well and you should to'

Sara smiled meekly, thankful for his kindness and reassuring words.

'I do have some news for you, though' he said looking at both Neal and Sara 'Sara, you _are _pregnant. Not far along, about four weeks'

Sara and Neal looked at each other in disbelief.

'What does that mean for the surgery?' asked Neal spontaneously

'Well, the chances of the embryo surviving the surgery are slim, especially in the first trimester although, it does happen. More likely, there is a spontaneous miscarriage when we do surgery of this type. If the embryo remains intact until after the surgery, we can discuss our options. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves but should you require chemotherapy, for example, some of the drugs can be harmful to a developing foetus'

Neal and Sara were trying to take this in. The news of the pregnancy which would normally be happy news was bittersweet as they thought of the implications for the baby.

'Ok' said Sara reeling from the shock

'Besides that little blip, pardon the pun, we're ready to go for tomorrow' said Dr. Franklin 'Any last minute questions?' he asked looking at both of them

'I can't think of anything' said Sara looking over at Neal

'How long does the surgery last? And when will we have news?' asked Neal

'The surgery itself takes about two hours unless there are any complications.' Turning to Neal, he added 'I'll send someone out to give you an update during the operation. And, when I do my rounds in late afternoon, I will come and meet with both of you in Sara's room and give you all the information we need to make plans for the next steps.'

Neal nodded in thanks as Dr. Franklin rose to leave, once again shaking their hands warmly

Sara turned to Neal and she saw reflected in his eyes exactly what she was feeling: confusion, consternation and anxiety.

They left the hospital hand in hand and walked silently to their car.

Peter and Elizabeth had convinced Neal and Sara to have a quiet evening by themselves and not to worry about coming by their house to check on Hope. They would not be able to spend time alone together again for a few days and the Burkes wanted them to have some time alone. After calling in to check on Hope and being reassured that she was busy in the yard chasing the dog after having had an early dinner of Elizabeth's world renowned macaroni and cheese, Neal and Sara headed out to dinner themselves.

Neal had suggested they have a meal out at one of their favorite local hangouts, the Vintage Lounge and Restaurant. The menu was eclectic and Sara really liked their Roasted Portobello mushroom ravioli and since she would not be eating regularly for a few days, he wanted her to have a good hearty meal.

Predictably, that's what she chose off the menu while Neal opted for the ribs, which never disappointed. The restaurant always had entertainment in the evenings but they decided to forgo music in favor of a walk through their neighborhood. They talked as they walked hand in hand. They arrived at Riverview Park, two blocks from their home and they slowed down the pace, choosing to sit on a park bench to continue their conversation. In the distance, they could see a group of young girls engaged in a soccer game.

'Neal, I've been thinking about this baby' Sara began 'maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't go through with the surgery'

Neal looked at her intently 'Sara, we have to think of you first –'

She put a hand on his arm as she cut him off 'Neal, we've wanted this baby for a while now and it's finally happened. What if this is my last chance to have another baby?'

'I want another baby just as much as you do and I agree the timing stinks but Sara, we can't put your life at risk. I don't want to be left a widower with two young kids. I want my wife.'

She was quiet as she listened and Neal continued: 'I think the first thing we have to do is to get you healthy and then we'll worry about the rest, ok? With any luck, the cancer won't have spread and Dr. Franklin will be able to leave you with one functioning ovary. And if not, we'll face it, together. I need you Sara, I love you and I don't want to face my life without you. And neither does Hope.'

He put his arm around her and pulled her in to his chest 'I can face anything if you're with me' he said, finally.

Sara nodded; she knew he was right. What was the point of hanging on to this pregnancy at all costs if she wasn't going to be there to take care of this new baby? And she loved Neal – she wasn't ready to leave him or Hope.

'It's just shitty, that's all' she said into his chest as he hugged her.

They continued their walk, heading towards home, enjoying the summer evening.

'Hi Neal, hey Sara' called out Jeff Mason, one of their neighbors 'Where's your beautiful daughter tonight?'

'Hi Jeff' they answered in harmony 'It's just the two of us, tonight' said Neal 'date night'

'Take care' called Jeff as he disappeared into his house

No need telling everyone the details of their situation, thought Neal. He was enjoying his evening alone with Sara and he didn't want to spend it explaining that his wife was going in for cancer surgery in the morning. They returned home by nine o'clock and looked around the house – feeling the absence of their daughter and realizing just how much life she added to the place.

'You want to watch some TV?' asked Sara

'Sure' said Neal as he headed over to the couch. He sat with Sara's legs on his lap as he put his arm around her and she curled into him, not saying much. After about an hour, she could feel Neal's breathing slowing down and she looked up to see that he had fallen asleep, his head back on the couch and his mouth open.

'Hey, Caffrey, time to go to bed' she said as she gently poked him in the ribs

'Huh' came Neal's response as he realized where he was 'Yeah, ok' he answered

Once in bed, he was wide awake (of course) and after a while, he looked over at Sara, speaking softly in case she'd drifted off.

'You asleep?' he asked

'No' she said simply

'You ok?'

'Yeah'

'Do you want to talk?'

'No'

Sara continued 'Neal, will you make love to me?'

He looked into her big green eyes and saw the vulnerability there and he felt it was sacrilegious somehow to be talking about having sex when he felt she was so fragile.

'Are you sure that's what you want?' he asked

'I need to feel you close to me' she said, pulling him closer

He turned his body towards her and kissed her tenderly, gently and she responded by kissing him more deeply, pulling him even closer and he knew that she needed this for her sanity. Somehow, she needed to feel, as he did, that things were normal between them and would be again and that this monster that had invaded her body would not win – that their love was stronger and would prevail.

Neal pushed himself up on his elbow as he kissed her more intensely and he began to touch Sara in the ways he knew she loved the most. He could feel the fervour in every one of his movements and Sara reacted with eagerness and passion as he began to make love to her. They found their rhythm, gentle at first then a little more intense, connecting without the need for words. He looked into her eyes and saw the tears forming and threaten to fall and he slowed down his thrust as he began to pull away, thinking she wanted him to stop. But he was wrong.

'Don't stop, please' she pleaded as she began to cry softly, overcome by the many emotions she was feeling all at once

He kissed her tears away and smiled at her, willing her to take from him the strength he felt was welling up inside him – strength he needed to share with her, strength he wanted her to take with her for the battle ahead.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The alarm went off at 5:00; they had to be at the hospital by 6:30. They rose and took turns showering, Sara aware that she wouldn't have that luxury for a few days. Neal grabbed a piece of toast and coffee; Sara, of course, couldn't have anything by mouth until after the surgery.

They drove into Manhattan in silence. At one point, as they crossed the bridge, Sara picked up her phone and called the Burke residence.

'Hi Sara' said Elizabeth as she answered 'I was just about to call you'

'Is something wrong?' asked Sara, suddenly worried

'No, of course not. Peter and I were just thinking about you and we wanted you to know we're with you today, in thought – and we're praying that all goes well'

'Thanks Elizabeth, that means a lot. How's Hope doing?' she asked returning to the purpose of her call

'She had a great night and she's right here beside me.' Sara could hear Elizabeth talking to Hope 'It's you mommy, you want to say hi?'

Then Sara heard the phone changing hands and her daughter's voice 'Mama?' she asked, tentatively

'Hi angel' said Sara, fighting tears 'Are you being a good girl for Auntie Elizabeth and Uncle Peter?'

'Mama, Sach' Hope responded

'Yes, Satchmo is with you too, you lucky girl' answered Sara 'I love you, Hope. I'll see you later, ok?'

'Mama, mama' Hope was repeating as the phone changed hands again

'Sara, don't you worry about a thing. We'll take good care of your girl. Tell Neal I'll call him later and when you're up to it, we'll bring Hope in to visit you'

'Thanks again Elizabeth. See you later' she said hanging up

Neal looked over at her 'You ok?' he asked feeling the emotion welling up in his wife

'Yep' she said, wiping a tear and taking the hand that was reaching out for hers

Once inside the hospital, Sara was ushered into the pre-surgery ward. Neal was allowed to stay with her until she was wheeled into the operating room, which was scheduled for 9:30. In the meantime, he sat next to her and watched as one nurse after another came in, checking Sara's vital signs, bringing her compression stockings to put on her legs and finally some medication to help her relax and prepare for the anesthetic.

Sara was feeling mellow and Neal was glad for the drugs that had taken the edge off her anxiety. He wondered if they would consider giving him a dose as well...

'Neal' she said looking at him and sensing his apprehension 'I'm going to be fine, don't worry. I'm not ready to check out yet, we have to make it to our fiftieth wedding anniversary' she added, smiling at him

He stood over the bed and kissed her, smiling. 'You goof!' he said, lovingly 'I'm gonna hold you to that, Repo'

The time came for her to be wheeled out and Neal said a final goodbye as he gazed at her beautiful face and locked it in his memory. He didn't know what was ahead in the days and weeks to come but he wanted to remember her face, relaxed and happy.

Neal was escorted to the surgical waiting room. Although Dr. Franklin had explained he would be making an appearance at the end of the day to explain all the details, he had also promised Neal that there would be some word as the surgery progressed and Neal hung on to that assurance as he sat trying to concentrate on the news he was reading from his laptop. Dr. Franklin had said that the surgery typically took two hours so Neal began watching the clock every few minutes. Shortly after ten, he looked up and saw Peter standing there with two cups of coffee in his hands.

'Peter, what are you doing here?' he asked as he got up

'You didn't think I was going to let you sit here all by yourself, did you?' he asked with a smile

'Thanks, I could really use the company; waiting is the hardest part' said Neal, taking the coffee from his partner

'So, everything went ok this morning?' he asked taking the seat next to Neal

'She was really optimistic and strong... as usual' he answered 'She never ceases to amaze me. There is one new element though... we found out yesterday that Sara's pregnant'

'Wow, what does that mean?' asked Peter surprised at the news

'Well, she's only about four weeks along and the doctor explained that the embryo probably wouldn't survive the surgery but you never know. Even if it did, though, we would have to discuss the implications if Sara needs chemotherapy. Some of those drugs can be harmful'

'Oh, my God, and you guys really wanted another baby'

'Well, I want my wife back – the rest we'll figure out' said Neal, resigned

They chatted for a while about the case they were working on and the kind of night Hope had – apparently she really loved El's mac and cheese – and after about an hour, they fell into their comfortable silence. Those long nights in the car on stakeout had made them both very relaxed in each other's company and their frequent silences were a part of that.

Neal started to get a little more agitated as time passed and by 11:15, he was feeling restless. He started to pace and Peter just watched him as he walked up and down the corridor leading to the surgical waiting room. At 11:45, a woman in scrubs and a mask came in.

She walked up to Peter 'Mr. Caffrey?' she asked

'Neal' Peter called to him – he was halfway up the hall again. Neal turned and made his way back quickly to where Peter was standing. He held his breath in anticipation of the news he was about to get.

'Mr. Caffrey' she started again 'Dr. Franklin sent me out to give you a progress report. Your wife is fine. There was a holdup in the OR and we got started a little late. The doctor has just sent the samples to the lab and is waiting on the results before he proceeds with the operation but he wanted you to know she's doing well and there have been no complications so far'

'Thank you' said Neal, grateful for the update 'Is the operation going to go on much longer?'

'That depends on the results of the preliminary tests. As Dr. Franklin explained to you, if the rest of the pelvic area is clear, he'll just finish up but if the results point to some spreading, he'll proceed with the hysterectomy'

Peter listened in as he took in the significance of what he was hearing. If they gave Sara a full hysterectomy, she would not be able to have any more children. He watched his friend take in the information and watched for his reaction.

'I'll come back when it's over and let you know and you'll be able to sit with her in the recovery room' she said before turning back to return to the operating room.

Neal let out a long, painful sigh as he digested the 'non' news he'd just heard. He was going to have to be patient a little while longer.

'Neal, how about I get us something to eat, huh? I'll bet you haven't had anything all morning'

'I don't think I could eat right now, Peter. I'll feel better when I see Sara with my own eyes'

'Did I tell you we finally got that search warrant for the offices of Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals?' asked Peter trying to get Neal focussed on something to pass the time

'No, you didn't' answered Neal, absent-mindedly

'I thought if Sara's doing well enough next week, you could come out with me and we could snoop around. Just like the old days, what do you say?'

'I don't know Peter, we'll have to see how Sara is'

'Hospitals are reporting a shortage of two of those drugs already. That means people who really need them aren't getting what they should to get better' said Peter, appealing to Neal's compassionate side

Neal thought about Sara and the fact that she would be needing certain medications to get better. How would he feel if she couldn't get what she needed?

'Yeah, ok. Let's play it by ear. But I'm definitely interested in helping out with the case' said Neal

As time passed, Neal became more and more concerned that this meant that the cancer had spread and that the doctor was having to take out more organs than he first thought. It was going on 12:30 and he still had no news.

Finally, at 12:45, the nurse returned.

'It's all done' she said 'and your wife is fine. There was a little more bleeding that Dr. Franklin had anticipated and she needed a transfusion but she's fine now'

'Did they have to take everything out?' Neal asked, apprehensive

'Dr. Franklin will be out in about five minutes if you could hold your questions for him' she said as she returned to the operating room suite through the doors behind her.

It seemed like forever but Dr. Franklin did come through those same doors about five minutes later.

'Neal' he said 'Sara is fine. There was a bit more bleeding than I expected when we removed the mass and her left ovary. It was well fused to the parietal wall and I had to scrape quite a bit so I could minimize the number of diseased cells left behind and I hope we got it all. But I did leave the rest intact for now. There was no sign of disease in her uterus or her right ovary. That doesn't mean there isn't any but considering your wishes to have another baby, I felt it was worth the gamble'

Neal let out a sigh of relief. He hadn't noticed that Peter had moved over to where he was standing and had a hand on his shoulder.

'What about the baby?' Neal asked expecting the worse

'We'll know within the next twelve hours or so. If the embryo has been damaged with us poking around, it will detach itself spontaneously from the uterine wall and Sara's body will reject it. We'll have to wait and see'

'Ok' said Neal trying to understand

'When I make my rounds between 5 and 7, I will come around and talk to you both. Sara will be conscious by then and I will give you all the information regarding the next steps. Are you ok for now?'

'Yes, thank you so much' Neal said, relieved, as he shook the doctor's hand 'When can I see her?'

'As soon as she settled in the recovery room, one of the nurses will come and get you. See you later, then' he said as he walked away

Peter could see the color returning to Neal's face as he let out an enormous sigh. Neal turned to him and instinctively hugged Peter who reciprocated. He could feel the tension leaving Neal's body even as he began to shake to let out all that pent-up nervous energy.

'Alright' said Neal 'That's the first part done and with any luck, that will be the end of it. Peter, thanks so much for being here. Why don't you go home and I'll call you later when I have more news. If Sara's up to it, Elizabeth said she'd come by tonight and bring Hope'

'All right' agreed Peter 'Call if there's any change, otherwise we'll be back tonight'

Within fifteen minutes, a nurse had appeared and had escorted Neal back to another area where the recovery room was located. The door opened and Neal could see approximately a dozen or so beds, most of them occupied with patients in various stages of coming out of general anaesthetic. Some had a loved one sitting by their bed, others had nurses tending to them. Neal spotted Sara at the far end and made his way over to her.

He could see she was lying, eyes closed, seemingly sleeping. As he approached her bed, a nurse was also making her way to Sara.

'Mr. Caffrey' said the smiling nurse 'My name is Joyce. I'll be your wife's nurse while she's in the recovery room. We have started to wake her. She's opened her eyes a couple of times but she's going to be groggy for about another hour or so and she may seem confused, at times. When we've ascertained that all her vital signs are good and that she is fully conscious, we'll be moving her to a room up on the gynecological ward.'

'Ok' said Neal trying to take all that in while his eyes were transfixed on Sara's face, longing to see her open her eyes. 'Can I sit here?'

'Of course' said Joyce 'and you should talk to her to try to bring her back to full consciousness as soon as possible. I'll be over at that desk if you need me' she added pointing to a nursing station in the middle of the open ward

Neal nodded and took a seat to Sara's left. Her arm was connected to an IV and her hand lay lifelessly on top of the bed sheet. Neal reached out to take her hand and Sara stirred ever so slightly, opening her eyes.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

'Hi' said Neal with a relieved look in his eyes

Sara just looked up at him slightly confused.

'It's over, your surgery is finished and you're fine' he added trying to bring her back to reality

'Did they have to take everything?' she asked ever so quietly he had to strain to hear her

'No' he said, smiling to reassure her 'Dr. Franklin will come by later to explain everything. How do you feel?'

'Tired and nauseous' she answered trying to look around the room to situate herself

Neal put a hand to her shoulder and held her down 'It's ok, just lie back. Do you think you're going to be sick?'

'Not sure' she said, groggily as her eyes closed once more

Joyce, hearing the voices, came over to check on Sara. She checked her vital signs – her blood pressure, her temperature and made sure that the fluids they were pumping into Sara were flowing without obstruction.

'She might feel nauseous, that's normal – it's the residual effects of the anaesthetic. I've given her something for that but sometimes patients vomit – there's a container right behind you there if you need it' she said pointing to a utilitarian table behind Neal

He just nodded. 'She just said she was feeling nauseous'

'She can have a couple of these ice chips if she's thirsty but no water yet, ok?'

'Ok' answered Neal, nodding

The sound of the voices brought Sara out of her uneasy sleep. She opened her eyes again.

'I'm going to throw up' she just got the words out of her mouth before the nurse expertly grabbed the bowl and brought it to Sara's mouth as Neal tried to support her to sit up without straining. Considering she hadn't had anything to eat for more that fifteen hours, there was not much to throw up but nevertheless, she had to make some efforts as her body strained to vomit. She looked up at Neal with glassy eyes 'Just like old times, huh Caffrey' she said, referring to Hope's birth.

'That's ok Repo, just relax' said Neal soothingly

By six o'clock, Sara was well enough to be moved to a regular room, up on the 8th floor of the hospital. She was still drifting in and out of sleep and Neal had been warned that this was normal for the first twelve hours or so after surgery.

Neal sat, reading to pass the time, and every few minutes, Sara would wake and ask him something or other and then she would go back to sleep. Sometimes, she asked the same question more than once, not remembering the answer her husband had given her a few minutes before.

At around 6:30, Dr. Franklin appeared in the doorway to room 807 and Neal rose to greet him. Sara had gone back to sleep.

'How's our patient?' the doctor asked

'In and out...' answered Neal 'confused at times but she doesn't seem to be in any pain'

'That's normal' said Dr. Franklin, reassuringly

He made his way to Sara's bedside taking her hand and waking her in the process.

'There you are, Sara' he said 'You did a terrific job today in surgery and I've come to talk to the two of you. Are you up for that?' he asked

Sara nodded, still dazed but seemingly coherent.

Dr. Franklin pushed the automated button to raise Sara's head and she groaned a bit from the movement. The doctor sat on edge of the bed and faced both Neal and Sara as he began to explain the findings of the surgery.

'There are some good news but we do need to discuss the next steps' he began 'First off, Sara, we removed your left ovary and the mass that was attached to it. From first examination, this looks like a Stage I – that's the good news part. Stage I means that the cancer does not appear to have spread to other organs. As I explained before, the reason ovarian cancer is such a challenging adversary is that patients are often not diagnosed until stage 3 or 4 and then, the outcome is much more negative. Now, I need to stress that the mass was glued to your uterine wall and we had to work very hard to remove every trace of it but we can never be sure we didn't leave some cancer cells behind – that's the next steps part...'

He stopped for a moment to gauge if the information was getting through. Neal was clearly getting the gist of what Dr. Franklin was saying but he wasn't sure about Sara, who looked glassy-eyed.

He continued. 'Upon examination, we were able to ascertain that this is a clear cell cancer. Now, clear cell is one of the more aggressive types of cancer. It is a little rarer than other types – only about 7% of ovarian cancers are clear cell and that means we have to treat this type of cancer cell with a little more of a hard-line approach to make sure we don't give it a chance to keep spreading'

He stopped again to see if Neal and Sara were understanding. Neal nodded for Dr. Franklin to continue.

'So in summary, stage I – good news; clear cell – a little more worrisome. So tomorrow, once you've digested all this information, I would like to discuss some further treatment to ensure that we have killed off all the cancer cells. You are young, Sara, and I'm sure you'd like to be there to celebrate many years of marriage to this young man and to see your daughter grow up. So I think we should be aggressive in treating this cancer and not give it a chance to do any more damage.'

'What about the baby' Sara croaked

'As I explained, it likely will be expelled from your body in the first twelve hours or so. If not, we'll have to see what we do about it. Tonight, I want you to get some sleep. Starting tomorrow, the nurses will be on your case to start moving, they'll remove your catheter and get you going to the bathroom and drinking a bit of clear liquids.'

Sara smiled faintly and her eyes closed despite her efforts to keep them open.

'I don't want to overstay my welcome' said the doctor, rising from the bed 'I'll be back tomorrow so unless you have some pressing questions, I think I should let you rest for now.'

Neal got up to shake his hand and thank him just as a small commotion was heard in the doorway to the room. It was Elizabeth and Peter arriving, with Hope in Peter's arms.

'Is this your beautiful daughter?' asked Dr. Franklin as he walked towards the door

'It is' said Neal proudly as Hope put out her arms for him 'Poppa, poppa' she shrieked happily

'She _is_ beautiful' he said as he touched Hope gently on the head and walked out of the room to see his next patient

'Hey you two' said Neal as he took Hope from Peter's arms 'And how are you, my little princess?' he nuzzled Hope's neck and she let out a happy yelp, waking Sara in the process.

'Hey, angel' she said from her bed as she smiled at her daughter. Neal brought Hope over to the bed and sat down with her in his arms so that Sara could kiss her hello.

'Mama bed' said Hope, looking serious

'Yes, mama's in bed. I'm sick but I'm getting better' Sara said as she looked over at the Burkes who had made their way into the room.

Elizabeth walked over and kissed Sara gently 'How are you feeling?'

'Mmm, ask me tomorrow' said Sara eliciting a small laugh from the crowd assembled

Peter also approached the bed, squeezing Sara's hand 'Great to see you awake and alert' he said

Hope was fidgeting, trying to get out of Neal's arms and into Sara's but her dad was holding her back firmly and she was becoming impatient. 'Mama, mama' she kept saying

'You have to give Mommy a break for the next little while' said Neal 'She needs to rest'

'Why don't you show Mommy what you made for her?' said Elizabeth, pulling something out of her bag.

That seemed to distract Hope for a moment as she remembered that she and Elizabeth had prepared a work of art to decorate Sara's room. Hope was already showing signs of being a budding artist. She was used to following Neal into his studio, at the house, and watching him paint, something he had been doing more and more in the past year. Now that she was walking, Peter had built her a small, child-sized easel and Neal always made sure she had crayons, tempura paint and other mediums to experiment with. He wanted her to learn to love the process – the final result was not important. Neal knew that if he could instill a love of the arts, the technique would follow over time and could always be learned.

Hope squealed at the opportunity to show her mom her work of art. It was a card she'd crafted from construction paper on which Elizabeth had painted a heart. Hope had painstakingly pasted Cheerios all around the edge of the heart and Elizabeth had written a special message for Sara 'I love you mama, Hope'

Hope ran to her aunt to get the treasure and ran back to the bed for Neal to pick her up so she could reach her mom.

'Heart, mama, heart' she said

Sara grinned. 'It is a heart' she said 'Thank you, sweetheart, it's beautiful'

The card was placed on the window ledge of Sara's room right next to the bouquet of orchids Neal had gotten his wife. Elizabeth had thought to bring a bedtime story for Sara to read to her daughter and Neal and Hope sat on the bed alongside Sara as she read 'Goodnight moon' to Hope who was delighted to be sitting with both her parents.

When the time came to say goodnight, Hope was clearly getting tired and she fussed when Elizabeth offered to take her back from her dad in order to give Neal and Sara a few minutes by themselves. Hope was used to her bedtime routine and she was feeling secure with both her parents by her side.

'Why don't you guys head out and I'll follow with Hope in a few minutes' said Neal as Hope curled up in his arms and began to look like she was going to drop off any minute.

The Burkes bid Sara goodnight promising to visit again tomorrow and headed out into the night. Sara was also fading fast having made an effort to stay awake while she had company. She sat with her head against Neal's shoulder as he held Hope who was now sound asleep. Sara ran her fingers against her daughter's cheek, smiling at her sleepy form and glad to have a moment with her family before turning in for the night.

'So, we made it through today' said Neal, quietly

'Yeah, made through today...' Sara repeated

'You did good, Repo. Everything's going to be fine, don't worry, ok?'

Sara nodded, eyes half closed

'I love you' he said, kissing her forehead but she was already asleep so he stood with Hope and headed into the summer evening.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

After having kissed Sara goodnight, Neal and his daughter followed the Burkes back home to Brooklyn. He placed a slumbering Hope in her car seat, gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead as she sighed and took his place behind the steering wheel. Hope had been excited to see her mom and dad and thankfully, one of the nurses had taken her for a little walk around the ward, giving everyone some respite and allowing Peter and Elizabeth a few minutes to visit with Sara.

It had been an exhausting day both physically and emotionally and Neal was ready to hit the sack himself. He was relieved that Sara had come out of the surgery in one piece and that the doctor had opted not to remove all her reproductive organs. He wasn't holding out much hope for the current pregnancy but the doctor's report had given him confidence that once this was all over, they would be able to try again.

He turned onto DeKalb Avenue, found a parking spot up the street and proceeded to take Hope out of her car seat and carry her into the house. She was getting heavy to lug around especially when she was asleep and dead weight. He looked down at her pretty face, her dark curls framing her face and her pretty little mouth that was heart shaped when she slept. Although she had his coloring, she had Sara's facial features including the shape of her eyes and nose and he smiled as he thought of her mom.

Peter and Elizabeth had preceded him home. 'There you are' said Elizabeth as he walked into the house 'I saved you some dinner from earlier– are you hungry?'

'Thanks, that would be great. Let me just put this little one to bed and I'll be right back' answered Neal

Peter, who was standing next to Elizabeth, offered to take Hope from him and Neal gladly relinquished her to her godfather, kissing his daughter goodnight as he took the glass of wine Elizabeth was offering him.

'So, how do you feel?' she asked as she put Neal's plate into the microwave to warm

'Relieved… that the surgery is over but unsettled because I'm not sure what's coming around the corner. The doctor was optimistic but he did mention that this was a particularly aggressive type of cancer and that Sara might require some additional treatment. I guess we'll find out more tomorrow. But hey, the good news is he was able to leave her ovary and her uterus so… '

'She hasn't lost the baby?' asked Elizabeth, studying his tired face

'Not yet but that seems inevitable… that'll be tough on her, too…'

'And you' she added

'And me. But you know, Elizabeth, if we can just get Sara healthy, we can worry about all that later'. He tucked into his meal, appreciative once more to have family like Peter and Elizabeth to give them the help and support they needed especially where Hope was concerned.

Peter came down the stairs 'She didn't even budge when I changed her diaper and put her pajamas on' he said

'Oh, I forgot to tell you, we started with the toilet training and I brought over her little potty but this might not the best time to be working on that – she's really interested in sitting on it, though, and she's peed a couple of times' said Neal as he took a sip of wine. As with all parents, Neal and Sara shared in all their daughter's successes be they large or small.

Elizabeth could see by his demeanour that he was fading fast so she took away his half eaten plate and sent him up to bed to recuperate.

Neal gave her a kiss on the cheek as thanks and made his way up the stairs. After a couple of minutes, Peter and Elizabeth heard the shower running and after a while, silence as they sat on the couch to watch some television before heading for bed themselves.

'No wonder he's so tired, poor guy. That's a lot to take in in one day. Sara looked pretty out of it, huh?' Peter said looking at his wife

'Yeah, well, she's been through a lot too and in a day or so, she's probably going to be losing this baby they really wanted. It's sad' answered Elizabeth. She put her head down on Peter's shoulder and he put his arm around her – they were tired too. Having a toddler in the house made for a busy household and Hope was bursting with energy.

The next morning, Neal arrived at the hospital early, hoping to catch Dr. Franklin on his morning rounds. He found Sara sitting up in bed with a nurse hovering over her.

'Good morning' he said tentatively as he stood in the doorway

'Hi' said Sara with a warm smile, obviously happy to see her husband 'There taking me off the catheter'

'That's right' added the nurse 'Mrs. Caffrey can get up and go to the bathroom by herself. It's important that she start moving around a little'

Once the procedure was over, the nurse left them alone and Neal walked up to the bed and sat alongside Sara, putting an arm around her and giving her a good morning kiss. Sara looked much more 'with it' and the last of the anaesthetic was leaving her system making her much more alert than the night before.

'How's Hope?' she asked looking into Neal's eyes

Neal rolled his eyes 'She's giving Elizabeth and Peter a run for their money. And… she peed on her potty this morning just before I left' he added, proudly

'Yay!' Sara clapped her hands

'Has Dr. Franklin been by yet' asked Neal

'No, not yet'

'How did you sleep?'

'Uh, you know, nurses in and out constantly, noise in the hallway. And the meds I'm taking are giving me strange dreams. I'll be glad when I'm well enough to come home' said Sara, leaning her head on Neal's shoulder and wincing

'Sore?' asked Neal

'Yeah, the incision is from the navel to the pubic bone so it's going to be sore for awhile – '

She was interrupted by Dr. Franklin who stood in the doorway for an instant, looking over Sara's chart before stepping in.

'Good morning, you two' he said 'How's my favorite patient this morning?'

'I'll bet you say that to all your patients' said Sara, looking up at him. He just smiled knowingly.

'Well, you seem a little more alert this morning, so I thought I would give you some additional information. Like I said last night, you have a clear cell, stage I ovarian cancer which does not appear to have spread anywhere in your pelvic cavity. That's very encouraging news. We ran another blood test this morning and as of right now, you are still pregnant but please, be prepared for some bleeding in the next day or so which would indicate that you body has rejected the embryo. We'll continue to do blood work every day and monitor.'

Neal nodded as he listened closely and pressed Sara closer to him.

Dr. Franklin continued 'Unless there are unforeseen complications, you can expect to be out of the hospital by Sunday or Monday. I've given the ok to start you on clear liquids – water, broth, jello and maybe tomorrow, we can add to that list. Before we let you go, you have to pass gas and have a bowel movement, that way we know everything is in working order.'

'Now, about treatment. I want to leave you to think and we can revisit this question tomorrow. Sara, you are young and although we did a very thorough job of removing everything we could, there might be some cancer cells remaining and I don't want to leave any opportunity for them to spread to your pelvic cavity. I highly recommend a full round of prophylactic chemotherapy – that's 6 treatments, one every 3 weeks. This will lower your chances of a relapse. But' he added 'let's leave that discussion for another day. We need to let you heal from your surgery first.'

Neal and Sara looked at each other. They were thinking of what chemotherapy might entail and how it would affect Sara in her day to day life. They thanked the doctor and he was on his way, promising to return on Saturday morning to continue their discussion.

'What do you think about this chemotherapy?' asked Neal once they were alone.

'I don't know – we don't even know what it entails but, Neal, I don't want to take any chances. I want to do all I can to diminish the risk of this cancer returning and I want to try to keep this ovary, at least until we finish having babies'

'Babies? Wow, I was having trouble talking you into one more….

'Well, when you think you have unlimited time, it's different….'

Neal nodded. He knew she was also thinking about the baby she was carrying and he wondered if she was still holding onto hope that he would continue to survive.

Sara continued to slowly recover in hospital although the pain at the site of the surgery remained intense and she was still on pain medication and would be for several more days. She was finally released from hospital on Monday morning and Neal showed up, with Hope, to pick her up. Her blood work upon discharge was showing that she was still pregnant and Neal worried that this might influence Sara to refuse to have the treatments she would be needing.

'Mama, mama' Hope screamed when they walked into Sara's hospital room at 11 o'clock, Monday morning. She wriggled from Neal's arms as she tried to run to her mom who was

moving slowly around the room, collecting the last of her personal belongings.

'Hi you two' said Sara, turning to face them 'my two very favorite people'

Neal walked over to Sara with Hope in his arms as she continued to reach for her mom.

'No, honey, you can't go into Mommy's arms right now' said Neal patiently 'she has a bobo and she can't hold you'

Both Hope and Sara pouted and Sara leaned over to kiss her daughter then her husband.

Neal put Hope down on the bed with a book while he helped Sara into a wheelchair and loaded up her last belongings on her lap, including the card her daughter had made for her. The three bouquets of flowers she had received were left at the nursing station for everyone to enjoy. One of the nurses held Hope's hand to the elevator as Neal pushed Sara's wheelchair and Sara said one last goodbye to the nurses as she was wheeled away.

Getting home was a relief in a sense but it meant that Neal had to take on the bulk of the household chores as well as care for Sara who was very limited in her movements and needed her bandages changed daily. Hope was a handful too, climbing on furniture and constantly finding ways to circumvent the safety gate at the bottom of the stairs leading up to their bedrooms.

Neal had temporarily pulled back from the case he'd been working on although he was still very interested in remaining involved. Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals had begun to charge an exorbitant amount of money for two of the chemotherapy drugs they had the patent for and some hospitals had begun to cancel treatments due to shortages - putting lives at risk. The search warrant had allowed Peter and his team to look at their files which seemed to indicate that the company was having trouble obtaining some of the raw materials from their distributors and the team had begun to investigate that angle. Neal didn't buy it nor did Peter and Neal was itching to get in there and prove that the shortage was a sham.

The first week back home passed without much drama, Sara slowly building strength and doing more and more for herself. She was sleeping less and was more active, taking short walks and playing with Hope on the couch or bed; as long as she didn't exert herself.

She was scheduled to go in to meet with Dr. Franklin on the following Tuesday, almost two weeks after her surgery and it was time to make a decision regarding chemotherapy. Neal dropped Hope off at Ashley's for the day and came home to get lunch ready for Sara and himself.

He brought a tray with soup and sandwiches to the couch where Sara was resting and sat down next to her.

'Quiet around here without her, huh?' he asked as he took a bite of his egg salad sandwich

'Too quiet, if you ask me' answered Sara. She fell silent and he could sense something was on her mind.

'Neal, if this baby goes to term, he would be born sometime in late March or April, just like Hope' she looked up at him

'You have to stop thinking like that, Sara. Dr. Franklin is expecting us to make a decision about the chemo, today'

'But, Neal. This could be our miracle baby –'

'Sara, please, stop. We've already talked about this. We have to get you better and strong before we have another baby.' He stopped, suddenly, realizing what he was saying

'I'm sorry' he continued 'This is definitely your decision to make but I think it would be a mistake not to go through with the chemo when the doctor is recommending you have it. Cancer cells could still be floating around your body waiting to pounce and if we disregard the doctor's advice, you could be facing more surgery or treatments in the future.'

'Neal, it was different when we thought I'd be losing the baby naturally. But what you're suggesting is an actual abortion –'

'A therapeutic termination, Sara – because your life hangs in the balance' He didn't realize he was raising his voice but he saw the look in Sara's eyes and backed off.

'I want this baby' she said quietly, leaving no doubt as to what she was choosing

'You are choosing this baby over your life, over me, over Hope?' asked Neal, puzzled. For him, this was a no-brainer.

'I could still be ok without chemo…' but she knew her argument was sounding hollow.

'I don't want to lose you' Neal said, very quietly

They finished their lunch in silence. Neal got up with the dirty dishes and left Sara in the living room, alone.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Sara followed Neal into the kitchen and came up behind him as he stood at the sink rinsing the lunch dishes. She put her arms around his waist and he turned around to face her.

He took Sara in his arms. 'I'm sorry' he said, looking into her eyes 'All I can see is a future without you and it terrifies me.'

'I'm sorry, too' she added 'I don't want to fight with you. After what happened with my first pregnancy, having any type of termination just seems wrong, somehow. Can we talk to Dr. Franklin about it and see what he says?'

'Sure' said Neal, kissing her forehead. Suddenly, Sara looked so small and vulnerable and he knew how much she hated not being in total control of this or any situation. Her first pregnancy had been in a totally different set of circumstances and Neal had been the one to push to keep the baby. They hadn't been dating long after his return from Cape Verde when she accidentally got pregnant and he had understood Sara's uncertainty about having a baby. He also knew that after Hope was born, Sara had suffered a lot of guilt at the thought that she had almost had an abortion – he was afraid that this guilt would have an impact on this situation which he deemed to be totally different.

By 2:30, they were sitting across from Dr. Franklin at Sloan-Kettering.

'How are you feeling Sara?' he asked. He had just finished examining her incision and appeared pleased with what he saw.

'Tired and still sore' she answered, simply

'Of course, general anaesthetic, recovering from having an organ removed, letting your incision heal… all that takes a lot of energy. And your body may still be fighting cancer cells, that's also very tiring'

'Doctor Franklin, it's been two weeks since the surgery and I'm still pregnant' said Sara

'Incredibly, you are' he responded 'the odds are that you will lose this baby but he is hanging on for now'

'What does it mean? Can I still have the chemo treatments?' asked Sara looking into the doctor's eyes.

'The treatment that is prescribed in your situation is made up of a trio of drugs. These drugs can be harmful to an unborn child and I do not recommend that you follow the treatment while pregnant. Have you discussed the possibility of having a therapeutic abortion?'

Neal looked at Sara, listening intently.

'I can't, I won't' said Sara

'I think that's a mistake, Sara' said Neal

'I have to agree with your husband, Sara. You need this treatment to ensure you don't get sick again'

'This is my decision, and I've made it' said Sara, rising and exiting the room leaving Neal and Dr. Franklin to look at each other in disbelief.

'I take it you've discussed this?' the doctor asked Neal

Neal looked at him, nodding 'At length… Dr. Franklin, when Sara got pregnant with Hope, we were not yet in a committed relationship. She considered the option of having an abortion but we talked it through and she ultimately decided to have the baby but she's always felt guilty about having entertained the idea. I think this is her way of making up for this guilt she's always felt'

'That might explain Sara's reaction. But Neal, ultimately, Sara is my patient and I have to respect her wishes. I do feel, however, that I am not doing my due dilligence if I don't stress to you that I believe this is a mistake. Clear cell cancer is nothing to balk at and if we don't fully treat it, the odds are it could make a return within a year'

'If Sara changes her mind, when would she need to start treatment?'

'The recommended treatment is once every three weeks, repeated six times. It is brutal but effective. We've gotten excellent results with this protocol and I believe Sara's prognosis would be greatly improved with this treatment. The sooner she starts the better. But I repeat, it can be very rough. Side effects include muscle aches, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, fatigue… I realize it is not a pretty picture but I believe, in Sara's case, it is a temporary and necessary evil.'

'Sara is tough. If she decides this is what she wants, I know she'll be strong enough to get through it. Thank you doctor' Neal said, rising and shaking his hand

'I'll schedule an appointment for next week so we can see where we're at' added Dr. Franklin as Neal prepared to leave.

He found Sara sitting in the car and she seemed furious.

'You totally undermined me in front of the doctor' she said loudly as Neal climbed into the car.

'If loving you and discussing ways to keep you alive is undermining you, so be it. That wasn't my intention' Neal responded, curtly.

Sara turned away looking outside as Neal pulled out of the parking lot. After a few minutes, he reached out to touch her hand but Sara pulled away refusing to make eye contact.

They picked Hope up on the way and arrived home at about five. Neal went to the kitchen to get started on dinner and Sara and Hope sat on the couch with a Baby Einstein video. Sara had still not thawed and had not said another word to Neal all the way home.

He began peeling potatoes and seasoning the chicken while he thought back to their conversation earlier. Had he pushed her too far? He couldn't imagine his life without her – was it selfish to ask her to give up this baby for a chance at a longer life? Neal had always wanted a second baby – at first, even more so than Sara had. She had been open to another child but Neal had been the one to push it in the early months after Hope was born. By the time, Hope had turned one, Sara had been happy to concur and she had been ready for baby number two.

He wondered about his theory concerning her motivation but didn't want to approach her with it and bring back memories from her first few months of pregnancy with Hope. He continued to prepare dinner as he thought of how he might get through to her and alleviate any guilt she might be feeling. He peeked into the family room and he could see Hope curled up against her mom and Sara with her arm around their daughter, holding her. That was his life, right there on that couch. He walked over to the couch and ruffled Hope's hair.

'Poppa, no' she said in her typical toddler way, not appreciating the distraction from the television.

Sara didn't look up and he could feel her pain (or was it anger) radiating through her skin. He wanted to reach out to her but he knew from years of being with Sara that she needed to think things through before she could talk about them.

They ate as a family and Neal and Sara kept the conversation to a minimum, focussing on Hope and her uncanny way of making them laugh. Sara insisted on helping with the bath which meant Neal had to stay close by in case Hope needed to be lifted. They had introduced a bed in Hope's room as she began to make the transition between crib and 'grown-up' bed and some nights Hope would choose the bed over the crib.

On this night, Sara lay in the bed with Hope reading her one of her favorite bedtime stories, the Velveteen Rabbit. The story always brought tears to her eyes and this night was no exception as Neal watched from the bedroom door. He finished cleaning things up in the kitchen and after a while, he prepared for bed himself, noticing that Sara still hadn't come back from Hope's room. He made his way back and found Sara, hand on her stomach, asleep next to Hope with the open book on her lap.

Once again, he thought of all they represented for him – his salvation from his previous life which had seemed so exciting and glamorous but was in fact so shallow. He swallowed against the lump in his throat, hoping he could find the words to convince Sara that she should let go of this baby for a shot at a long and happy life.

'Sara, honey' he said shaking her gently 'come to bed'

She opened her eyes, half way 'I'm good here' she said in a tone that left no room for negotiation.

He reluctantly covered her with Hope's bedspread as he kissed her forehead and headed to their bedroom.

In the whole time they had been together, they had never gone to bed angry or slept apart and it took Neal over an hour to settle down and fall asleep. On a couple of occasions, he thought about going back to Hope's room to coax her to come to bed, but he knew better.

In Hope's room, Sara opened her eyes once Neal had left. She hated to shut him out but she needed to work this out for herself. She looked over at her sleeping daughter and once again the pangs of guilt hit her. How could she have even considered not having this beautiful child in her life, she asked herself. She still anguished about how close she had come to having an abortion. If Neal hadn't convinced her of his commitment to a baby, she most certainly would have and look at what she would have missed out on. She couldn't fathom not giving this new baby all the chance in the world to become a part of their family. She thought about what Neal and Dr. Franklin had said. She had to make the right decision this time and she needed to work this out for herself so that she would have no regrets.

The next morning, Neal had planned to go into the White Collar unit. Sara was well enough to stay by herself for a few hours and Hope was spending the morning at the child care provider's home.

Neal arrived, looking a little worse for wear and headed up to Peter's office. They were scheduled to visit Jonathan Dwyer, the chairman of Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals and they planned on messing with his head to try to get some information from him.

'Hey Neal, how are you doing' said Peter as he saw Neal standing in the doorway to his office

'Not bad, you?' came the answer

'How's Sara?' inquired Peter sensing that all was not well

'I'm that transparent, huh?' asked Neal. But truth be told, he was glad Peter could see through him. 'We saw Dr. Franklin yesterday. He highly recommends the chemotherapy treatments but Sara can't have those while she's still pregnant.'

'Does that mean she would have to have an abortion?' asked Peter looking into Neal's eyes. He knew how much a second baby meant to Neal and Sara.

'Regrettably, that's what it means. But Sara won't hear of it. She's got it in her head that this is a miracle baby because he's hung on through the surgery... but Peter, as much as it pains me to let go of this baby, I can't let her choose him over her own life. What's the point if I'm going to be a single dad with two young children?'

'So, where do you go from here?' asked Peter

'I don't know. Right now, Sara's barely speaking to me...' Neal looked up at Peter 'Look, I could really use a distraction. What's up with the case?

'I thought we'd snoop around – we didn't get anything from their official records; I'm thinking there may be some 'unofficial' records floating around. So, are you ready to tackle those crooks at Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals?' Peter asked with that look he always got when he knew that justice wasn't being served

'Ready to give it a shot' answered Neal

'There's a third drug that's now being rationed: Crobaplatin – another cancer drug' said Peter looking down at the documents in his hand. 'They actually cancelled some scheduled treatments at Sloan-Kettering last week'

Neal perked up at the name of the hospital he was starting to know better than he ever wanted to. The name of the drug was familiar too – he looked over Peter's shoulder at the sheet in his hand.

'Wait a minute, that's one of the drugs Sara should be taking' he commented 'They've actually cancelled treatments?' he asked

'Well, the hospital says it is only cancelling non life-threatening cases but if the drug doesn't become available soon, there are going to be sick people... and lawsuits, no doubt.'

'So how much is Mcdonald selling this stuff for?'

'About ten times the normal cost; they're making a killing. Most hospitals are still buying a fair amount of the drugs. They can't afford to have angry, sick people taking them to court. But the hospitals can only do this for so long – they have a budget to abide by.'

'So, what's the angle?' said Neal 'How can we prove what they're up to?'

'Well, Mcdonald claims that they can't get hold of some of the raw materials they need in fabricating those drugs. Peter handed a list of drug components to Neal. Unless we can prove that's false or we can find a stash of either these raw materials or the actual drugs, we can't prove a thing.' said Peter

'Alright, I think we need to do a little snooping, then' said Neal, with that wicked smile he got when an idea was beginning to form in his mind.

They headed out to the pharmaceutical company's head office and Neal staked out the place looking for weaknesses that would allow him to get into the company's computer system. As they walked in, they could see a group of men, dressed in what appeared to be Mcdonald uniforms having a coffee break. Neal made fast work of putting on the Caffrey charm and within less than a minute of chatting and asking for directions, he had lifted the identification badge for one of the IT technicians. He met up with Peter in the lobby.

'All I need is a uniform and bam, I'm...' he looked down at the badge 'Jeffrey Hines'

Peter was escorted into the boardroom to meet with Jonathan Dwyer and Neal made his way to Mr. Dwyer's suite of offices and to the desk of his lovely assistant, as he removed his wedding band and tucked it into his pocket.

'Hi... Megan' he said smiling as he looked down at her name tag. 'I'm Jeff from IT. We're updating one of your programs and I need to have a look at your computer'

Neal had never lost the ability to turn on the charm with the ladies although, as a married man, he didn't have nearly as much opportunity to use his special gift. However, it was like riding a bike... you never forgot how.

Megan looked up at this cute IT guy and willingly gave up her chair to him.

'Hi Jeff, I don't think we've met yet' she said, smiling demurely

'No, we haven't' said Neal smiling his Caffrey smile and looking at her just a little too long 'I'm new'

'Well, maybe we could go for coffee' said Megan, obviusly interested in this good looking guy now sitting at her desk

'Tell you what' said Neal, with smirk 'I just took a break but if you go get us a couple of coffees, no one would know I'm taking a few extra minutes...' he let her imagine the rest

Megan smiled knowingly and off she went on her quest for coffee. Neal took a moment to familiarize himself with the layout of the company's program files and plugged in the names of the raw materials that had supposedly been in short supply in the making of the drugs. He quickly printed off all he needed and he was out of the office before Megan returned with the coffees.

He met up with Peter in the car.

'Got it' he said with a satisfied smirk

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

When they returned to the White Collar unit, Peter called the Harvard crew up to the conference room and the group began to analyse the numbers Neal had extricated from the company's computer system. It showed the company's actual stock of Diacete, benzolate and taccus bataca, the three drug components that Mcdonald's claimed they couldn't get their hands on. They had already gotten access to the official files which claimed a non-existent supply but the file that Neal had tapped into showed quite the contrary; in reality, Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals was sitting on a pile of these drug components. This new information had been accessed without a proper search warrant and now that their suspicions were proven to be accurate, the next step was to find the actual stash in order to prove that Mcdonald was fraudulently holding back on its patented supply of drugs.

It was almost noon and Neal had promised Sara he would be back by then. They had planned to pick Hope up early and take her to the children's exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum; it was only running for a few more days. Neal made his way to Ashley's to pick up Hope and then home to get lunch ready for everyone.

Sara hadn't said much but she wasn't looking nearly as upset or angry as the night before and she was a little more talkative which Neal took as a sign that they might be discussing the hot button issue sometime soon. Hope loved the exhibit, running around from one piece of art to another and Neal grinned at the sight of his daughter so at home in a museum setting. He was thrilled that she shared his love for the arts. Sara seemed to be a bit more relaxed. She had begun to have some morning sickness and had hardly touched her lunch but she seemed glad for the distraction of visiting the Met and took pleasure in watching Hope as she traipsed around the museum.

After dinner, Neal gave Hope a bath and he and Sara both put her to bed with a book, the usual routine. Hope didn't want a story this time though. She asked to look at one of Neal's art books (one of the Impressionist ones) and she asked her dad to name the paintings and the artists as she attempted to repeat each one. Once she was sound asleep, Neal and Sara made their way to the family room and sat, side by side as Neal decided to take the plunge and raise the subject once more.

'You want to talk?' he asked, tentatively. He was ready to back off if she wasn't but he was hoping she would be open to discussing things.

'I'm sorry I didn't come to bed last night' said Sara, looking up at him 'That was dumb'

'You were angry... But I hate it when we fight' he answered

'Me too' she said, quietly

'Sara, I don't want to upset you but is it possible that this is all about what happened when you got pregnant with Hope?'

She looked at him, questioningly.

'Remember how upset you were when we had our first party for Hope back when she was about two weeks old?' Sara nodded. 'Are you still carrying some guilt about the fact that you considered having an abortion when you first got pregnant?'

Her first instinct was to deny it but she took a deep breath.

'Neal, every baby is a gift and I was wrong to even consider having an abortion with Hope'

'Every baby _is_ a gift, Sara, I agree. But there _are_ valid reasons to terminate pregnancies. When you first got pregnant, we were nowhere near ready to commit to each other so you were looking at all your options. In the end, you decided to have the baby and that was your right just as it would have been your right not to. I know that now that we have Hope, it's impossible to imagine not having her in our lives but terminating this pregnancy to allow you to have life-saving treatments is not the same and it won't erase your guilt – which is totally unwarranted by the way – from the first time. These are two totally different situations'

Sara listened intently but didn't answer.

'Can we talk about this tomorrow?' she asked 'I didn't sleep so well last night and I'm looking forward to sleeping in our bed'

'Sure' said Neal, putting his arm around her and pulling her close to him.

Once in bed, Neal put his arm out for Sara to curl up into and she began kissing him, first on his cheek, then his neck and behind his ear. This was usually their short-hand for 'let's have sex' and Neal looked at her, confused.

'Sara, it's only been a little over two weeks' he said, remembering the doctor's advice to wait four to six weeks before intercourse

'I know... maybe a little kissing... hugging... groping?' she said as she punctuated each word with a lingering kiss on a part of Neal's anatomy

'You're bad, Mrs. Caffrey' said Neal as he bent over her to kiss her passionately and nuzzle her neck.

They hadn't been intimate since the night before Sara's surgery and Neal was trying very hard not to get too worked up, although he was failing miserably. They really enjoyed their sex life and it had been rudely interrupted by her surgery and curling up and cuddling only went so far for a red-blooded guy like Neal.

'There are lots of ways to skin a cat' said Sara as she let her hand slip down Neal's body. Just as she had suspected, he was more than ready for action so she undid the front of his pajama bottoms, and began to explore, stroking him, gently at first, then a little more insistently as he started to react very appreciatively by moaning and writhing under her hand.

'I've missed you' she whispered in his ear as his breath hitched

'Mmmmm' was all he could muster

'And apparently, you've missed me...' she went on

It was nice to reconnect and she took her time with him, caressing him, talking to him, encouraging him... Neal moaned in appreciation, as he cupped Sara's breast and began teasing her nipple. Within minutes, Neal came as he let out a loud groan that sounded like a garbled version of her name. He was anxious to reciprocate but Sara just smiled and said he could owe her one.

They fell asleep, Neal spooning her and so very happy to be back in the same bed as his wife.

Awhile later, Sara woke to an unfamiliar ache in her abdomen. Neal could feel the bed moving and turned toward his wife to investigate. 'You ok?' he asked, sleepily.

Since her surgery, Sara still had some abdominal pain when she made certain movements but the pain she was feeling now was much more intense and she sat up briefly to take stock of the situation.

'Oh, my God, NEAL!' she screamed as she looked down at the bed. The sheets were soaked in blood and the pain in her stomach was escalating.

Neal leaned over to turn on the bedside lamp and looked over at Sara.

'What?... oh, no' he exclaimed as he put two and two together.

'Can you sit up?' he asked his wife who was moaning 'I've got to get you to the hospital'

Sara began to cry softly and Neal wasn't sure if she was in pain or just upset at what was happening. He put one arm around her and used his other hand to pick up the phone and call the Burkes.

'Peter, we need some help with Hope. Sara's having a miscarriage and I have to get her to the hospital' he blurted out without any preliminaries

'I'll come there. That way it won't disrupt Hope's sleep. Give me half an hour' Peter said, without hesitation

Neal returned to Sara, trying to calm her down and checking her incision site to make certain that there was no blood coming from there. She looked at Neal, eyes filled with tears and began to sob as she threw herself in his arms, devastated.

'Honey, let's get you cleaned up a bit, ok?' he said patiently as he helped her off the bed.

They went into the bathroom together and he helped her get cleaned up and dressed then he did the same. He sat her down on the armchair by the bed as he tended to the mess, cleaning up the worst of it, removing the mattress cover and changing the sheets on the bed. Sara just sat staring ahead, shaking, as the situation hit her fully. Peter arrived in 20 minutes – not much traffic at three in the morning – and he sent them off, telling them not to worry about a thing where Hope was concerned.

Neal helped Sara into the car and off they went into the night to the closest hospital – White Plains – to have her looked at.

An hour later, Sara was lying in an emergency room bed with Neal at her side, waiting for a doctor to come by and examine her. She had been given something for the pain which had helped greatly. She had calmed down considerably now that the shock was beginning to wear off and Neal seemed to be the one reacting now that he had gotten her through the crisis. He was shaking slightly, trying to cover up so Sara wouldn't see. Finally, a very young looking man came into the room and introduced himself.

'Hi, Mr and Mrs Caffrey, I'm Dr. Birchard' he said shaking Neal's hand. 'What seems to be the problem?'

Sara spoke up 'I just had a miscarriage.' She was calm and matter of fact, which Neal knew, totally belied her state of mind.

'How far along were you?' he asked

'Just short of seven weeks' answered Sara 'but a little more than two weeks ago, I had surgery for ovarian cancer and my left ovary was removed'

The doctor looked at her, incredulous. 'You had cancer surgery and the embryo survived for over two weeks. That's unusual, for sure. I'm going to examine you and see if you need a D & C'

'A D & C?' asked Neal, not sure what that entailed

'It's short for dilation and curettage. We go in and make sure there is no more debris left from the pregnancy. We do this by aspiration. It's a fairly common procedure and since you had surgery just a couple of weeks ago, it would be wise, in my opinion, to make sure nothing is left on the uterine wall that could contribute to infection'

'Should we talk to Sara's oncologist, first?' asked Neal, not wanting to make any hasty decision that could be to Sara's detriment

'Who is your doctor?' Dr. Birchard asked Sara who was just lying there, still in shock

'Dr. Franklin, Gerard Franklin' said Sara, looking worried

'Oh, Dr. Franklin. Yes, he has privileges at this hospital. Let me try to contact his service and see if I can have a chat with him. Are you comfortable for the time being? Are you in any pain?'

'No, the nurse gave me something' said Sara quietly as Neal reached over to take her hand

'Alright, give me a few minutes, then, and I'll be back' said Dr. Birchard, as he left

Neal sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Sara. She looked calm, resigned and all of a sudden, he was overcome by a sense of loss. This baby, their baby, their son or daughter, who was safe in Sara's womb just a few hours before was now gone and despite all the discussions they'd had over the past few days, Neal felt the loss of this child and it was as if a large hole had opened up in his heart. Despite his desire to stay calm and in control, he began to weep. Sara took his face in her hands and pulling him against her, she held him as he cried; she began to sob herself at the realisation that their 'miracle' baby was no more. They held each other for several minutes and eventually, Neal got control of himself and sat up.

'I hope you know it was never about not wanting this baby' he said to Sara, his voice shaking

'I know, Neal, it's ok' said Sara as she touched his face and wiped a tear. She was tired and now that the pain had subsided, she began to relax feeling the need to sleep. Neal just sat there, gazing at her, waiting for the doctor to return.

He was pleasantly surprised when the curtain was pulled back and Dr. Franklin walked in.

'Dr. Franklin!' said Neal, relieved

'Neal, hi. I happened to be here checking in on one of my patients' he said touching Sara's hand and bringing her back from her troubled sleep.

Sara looked up and smiled. She was relieved to see him. Despite all the ups and downs of the last few weeks since her diagnosis, she had developed a relationship of trust with this man and she had complete confidence in his abilities and his advice.

'About what happened in your office, I'm sorry...' she began

'Hey, hey, none of that' interrupted Dr. Franklin 'you are a loving mother and I understand where you were coming from'

She smiled at him, thankful for his caring manner

'Now, let's see what we can do about your current situation, shall we?' he said

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Dr. Franklin's arrival made Sara and Neal visibly relax. He knew her situation, what she had been through and they trusted that he would act in Sara's best interest.

'Sara' he began, after he had examined her 'I'm very sorry for your loss. You've definitely had a miscarriage but there is some residue remaining in your pelvic cavity that I would like to clean up. It's called a D & C - we begin by dilating the opening of the uterus and then we insert a curette – a small metal instrument – into the uterine cavity to scrape the lining of the uterus. It's a short procedure but you will be more comfortable if we give you a general anaesthetic. Are you up for that?'

'Will you do it yourself?' asked Sara who was still shaking

'Yes, I will and we'll only put you under for a very short time so your recovery time should be short.' He looked up at Neal who nodded as he continued to hold Sara's hand.

'Do I have to spend the night here?' asked Sara in a voice that suggested she would really rather not

'Not necessarily' said Dr. Franklin 'Let's see when we're done, ok? Neal, you'll have to wait in the surgical waiting room down the hall. I'll come and see you when we're done'

Neal leaned down to look at Sara 'I love you' he whispered as his lips brushed her cheek

Sara smiled as she attempted to draw strength from him 'Me too. See you'

Dr. Franklin was back in the waiting area within the hour, briefing Neal on Sara's condition.

'That's quite a feisty lady you've got there' he began as Neal smiled knowingly

'She's fine. The procedure went off without a hitch – I just wanted to make sure that nothing was left behind that could impede healing at the site of the surgery. It gave me a chance to see that things are healing nicely. We could keep her overnight but if you're up to it, we could also let her go home. I would just recommend that she rest for a couple of days. Can you be home with her?'

'Of course' answered Neal 'I think she'll be glad to sleep in her own bed' He was thankful he'd taken the time to change the bed and that they wouldn't be walking back into a room with blood-soaked sheets.

'Alright, well, let's give her an hour or so to wake up properly and I'll be by to sign the release papers. Neal, I'm sorry, I know this baby meant a lot to you, too. It was definitely a tough situation and I know that no matter the circumstances, losing a baby is never easy.'

Neal thanked Dr. Franklin and shook his hand; he was happy that Sara had such a competent surgeon on her side.

They were back home just before six and the house was quiet as he unlocked the front door and helped Sara into the house. Hope was apparently still sleeping and Peter had crashed on the couch in the family room; he got up as he heard the door open. He just looked sadly at the young couple and he opened his arms to hug Sara who was looking pretty rough.

'Thanks Peter, we owe you... again' said Neal as he walked Peter to the door

'You just take care of her, I'll call you later' said Peter as he left

Neal and Sara walked up the stairs slowly and he helped her out of her clothes and into bed before going in to check on Hope who was still sound asleep. He came back to their bedroom; he knew he didn't have much time before Hope was up but he undressed and slipped into bed next to Sara. She crawled into his arms, not saying much and Neal held her until she fell asleep. He knew she would sleep most of the day as the effects of the anaesthetic would continue to wear off.

Within an hour, Hope toddled into the room – on the nights when she chose to sleep in the grown-up bed rather than the crib, she was free to get up by herself and make her way into her parents' bedroom. Neal intercepted her as she made her way to Sara's side of the bed and motioned her over to him, putting a finger to his mouth to indicate that she needed to stay quiet.

'Mommy's sleeping' he whispered, scooping her up in his arms and putting both feet on the ground

'Mama sleep' she repeated, quietly, looking intently at her dad

'Come on, daddy will make you some pancakes' Neal said as he grabbed a t-shirt from the chair by the bed

They went downstairs and Neal put Hope in her high chair and pulled it over to the kitchen table. Lately, they had removed the tablet on the high chair and let her sit with them at the table giving her more room to... make a mess. He gave her some crayons and paper and began beating eggs for the pancakes.

'Did you have a good sleep, sweet pea?' he asked

Hope was engrossed in her work of art and didn't look up or answer.

'We have to be very quiet today, ok? Mommy needs to rest. You and I can go to up to my studio and do some painting if you want'

'Paint' she repeated, obviously happy at the prospect of being let loose in Neal's studio

'And later, we can watch a movie together' continued Neal

'Fish?' said Hope pointing to the kitchen cupboard

'Yes, you can have some 'Goldfish' when we watch the movie' he responded. It was their habit to give her a juice box and a bowl of Goldfish crackers when they sat down to watch a movie as a family.

Hope had a pancake and asked for another which she half finished. She was growing fast and had a good appetite. She finished her milk and asked her dad to take her out of her high chair.

'Down, poppa' she said

'Can you say, please?' asked Neal

'Pease' she repeated

Neal took her upstairs and she sat on her potty. Since her diaper was dry, Neal knew there was an excellent chance that she would pee in the potty so he sat on the edge of the tub and grabbed one of the books that were kept in a basket by the toilet as a ploy to encourage her to sit long enough to be successful.

'Look, Franklin is peeing in the potty just like you' he said pointing to the turtle in the book. He turned on the water tap slightly to give her more incentive. Magic! Hope peed and both she and Neal clapped their hands, washed up and went back into her room to get dressed for the day. Neal peeked into his room and saw that Sara hadn't moved since he left her so he grabbed some clothes and closed the door behind him.

They spent most of the morning in Neal's studio. As a wedding gift, Sara had bought Neal everything he could possibly need to indulge in his passion for painting. Since their wedding, Neal had produced seven new original works of art, most of them were of Hope in various situations. In one, he had painted her sleeping, angelic and calm – in another, she was in full movement, running into Sara's arms. He was working towards twenty or so pieces at which time he was hoping to have an exhibit at a local gallery.

Despite trying to keep Hope busy, Neal was having trouble keeping his mind from wandering back to the night before. He had been hard on Sara the last few days, trying to convince her to have a therapeutic abortion and to get started on her cancer treatments. He had not given himself time to really think about this baby she was carrying and now, it was hitting him like a ton of bricks. He had been so focussed on getting Sara to face the absolute necessity of the chemotherapy that he had not fully thought of how it would feel to lose this baby he had wanted so very much.

By eleven, Hope needed a nap so he scooped her up and walked her over to her bedroom, not giving her a choice of beds and putting her down in her crib this time. He figured he could catch an hour or so of sleep and he didn't want to worry about her wandering around the house and him not hearing her.

He made a mental note to talk to Sara about moving the crib out of her room permanently – she was doing really well with the grown-up bed – after all, she was a big girl now as they had told her on multiple occasions. He looked wistfully at the crib and remembered assembling it for the first time at June's. At the time, he had secretly hoped that several babies would be using it over the years and now he wondered mournfully if Hope would be the only one making use of it.

Sara stirred when he walked into their bedroom and she looked up at him, sadly.

'I need to go to the bathroom' she said as she swung her feet off the bed

'Do you need help?' he asked, walking over to her

'No' she said at first and then, 'well, maybe' as she realized she felt wobbly getting up.

Neal was able to get another hour of sleep before he heard Hope calling for them from the other room. Sara slept the rest of the day and Neal took Hope out to the backyard to play in the sandbox and on her swing set.

By late afternoon, Sara came down and started poking around just as Neal was getting started on dinner.

'Hey you' he said as he saw her wander into the kitchen looking rested but slightly disoriented.

She walked over to Neal and let him hug her; she spotted Hope sitting in the family room playing with a puzzle and walked over to tousle her hair

'Mama sleep?' said the toddler reaching over for Sara

'Yes, mama was sleeping but I'm up now' said Sara. She sat next to her daughter and started handing her over the various pieces of the puzzle she was playing with. Neal looked over as he continued to cut up some cucumber for a salad and he smiled at the sight of them, despite the tugging at his heart. The evening was spent watching 'Monsters Inc', one of Hope's favorite movies and by eight o'clock she was sound asleep and Neal had to carry her to bed.

The next couple of days were spent getting Sara's strength back and by the weekend, she was feeling much like her old self although on two occasions, Neal had found her weeping quietly when she thought he wasn't around. He knew time would help heal the wound and he resolved to just be there for her and not put any undue pressure by asking too many questions.

On Saturday night, the Burkes came to dinner and Neal made his famous linguine with clam sauce. Sara even had a glass of wine which was nice for a change and they chatted into the night like old times. Sara could see Neal relaxing as he fell into his familiar banter with Peter. Those two always seemed to 'get' each other and whenever Peter was around, Neal would be somehow more playful and fun. She realized that since her diagnosis, things had been way too serious and sombre and she enjoyed the laughter as the four friends giggled and teased each other.

The beginning of the new week signaled another appointment with Dr. Franklin and on Tuesday afternoon, she found herself sitting with Neal across from the good doctor. It was hard to believe everything that had transpired since the last time she sat in that office – it was time to get down to some serious discussion about chemotherapy.

'So, when do I start?' she asked, resolved that this was happening no matter how much she didn't want it to

'I think you should give yourself one more week before your start – get your strength up' said Dr. Franklin 'Have you given any thought to maybe going away somewhere or doing something special before you get started. Once you start treatment, you should stick close to home and as I've explained, it's going to be a rough four or five months.'

Neal and Sara looked at each other. They hadn't given that any thought at all.

Although the White Collar unit could function just fine without Neal, he had been itching to get back to the case he had been working on. Peter had mentioned that not much had happened over the past week. Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals had released just enough of the 'rare' drugs to draw suspicion off themselves but they were still holding back and charging much more than they should for the medications. He knew that one of the drugs affected was one of a trio of drugs that Sara would be taking and he wondered how he would react if Sara's treatment was interrupted by a shortage of the drug.

As much as he wanted to be a part of the solution, he knew that his place was with Sara – keeping her spirits up and supporting her through what was bound to be a rough few months.

Lying in bed that night, they discussed Dr. Franklin's suggestion. It was mid-July, the weather was glorious and they both agreed it would do them good to leave the day to day grind and forget about what lay ahead.

'So, would you like to go away?' asked Neal as he ran his hand up and down Sara's shoulder

'Maybe... but with Hope, ok?'

'Yeah, with Hope' agreed Neal

'Mmmm. What if we rented a place by the water? Hope loves the water – she could catch frogs and we could take her out canoeing and swimming' Sara was actually smiling as she spoke – this had to be a good sign, thought Neal

'Sure, we could go upstate or even cross over to Canada. There's this amazing place I went to once, in the Muskokas – cottage country near Toronto. It's about an eight hour drive though' Neal looked thoughtful

'That sounds great! Canadians are friendly...' added Sara

'Ok, done. I'll start looking for a place first thing in the morning' said Neal

And for the first time in quite a while they had something fun and enjoyable to look forward to and they fell asleep blissful and content.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

First thing in the morning, Neal was sitting at his laptop at the kitchen table perusing cottage rentals in the Muskokas when Sara walked into the room in search of coffee.

'What are you doing up?' asked Neal as he stood and took her elbow guiding her toward a chair

'Neal, I've had a miscarriage, I'm not sick' she said, feebly fighting him off but not much

Neal just rolled his eyes. 'Let me get that for you' he said as he walked over to the kitchen cabinet to grab her favorite cup

Sara glanced over to the family room at their daughter who was happily sipping juice and watching something on television.

'Hey, sweet girl' she called from the kitchen but Hope was concentrating very hard on something Bert and Ernie were doing so she didn't get a response

'Look' said Neal, excitedly 'I've found this great rental in the Gravenhurst area. It's got two large bedrooms, it's right on the water and take a look at the living room – it has a 15 foot ceiling!' he said pointing to the screen of his laptop

'Wow, that _is_ amazing' agreed Sara looking down and grinning 'Hope would just love that'

'... _and_ they had a last minute cancellation - it's available as of Friday night' he added. 'All I have to do is press this little button and we're in'

Sara looked at Neal's face, his eyes animated and she pressed 'enter' on the computer. 'Done' she said, gleefully

They headed out early Friday morning, taking their time as they headed north. Sara had never been to Canada and she took in the sights of northern New York and into the great white north. Hope was a good little traveler – as long as she had toys, books and snacks. She sat quietly in her car seat, looking contentedly out the car window, pointing out things to her parents and falling asleep intermittently as the hours passed.

They arrived at their destination by dinner time and found the cottage right on the bay of Lake Muskoka. It was even more beautiful than the pictures on the website. They unpacked the car and Neal headed out to the nearest village to pick up a few essentials for dinner and breakfast the next morning. Sara sat on the dock while Hope played in the sand and checked the water's edge for frogs. Sara was already feeling the tension leaving her body – the quiet beauty of the spot was just what she needed to start to regain her strength and she knew that after a few days of this, she would feel refreshed and ready to face the next phase of her journey.

When Neal returned, they fired up the barbecue and grilled some chicken and vegetable skewers before setting up at the table outside on the wrap-around deck for their first meal in cottage country. After dinner, the three of them headed down to the lake and a family of ducks swam by which was very exciting for little Hope who was able to feed them with the bread Neal had picked up at the store.

After putting Hope to bed, Neal and Sara sat on the huge veranda with a glass of wine and looked out at the amazing sunset. One of the disadvantages of living in a large city was the many buildings surrounding every vantage point making sunrise and sunset difficult to admire so they sat, holding hands, in silent admiration of the beauty and simplicity of a Canadian summer sunset.

They spent their days by the water with Hope making sand castles with her dad (nothing quite as elaborate as the ones he'd fabricated in Cape Verde), catching frogs, swimming, canoeing, hiking and just plain relaxing. Sara seemed to be getting some of her energy back after the events of the previous week and more importantly, her morale appeared to be improving day by day. She swam with Neal and Hope and although her energy wasn't quite what it had been, she tried to keep up with her daughter who had boundless enthusiasm and exuberance.

As she sat by the water one afternoon watching Neal and Hope draw pictures in the sand, her mind began to wander and she thought ahead to the coming years. Would Hope be an only child, she wondered. Before she was involved with Neal, in her other life as a ruthless white collar bounty hunter, she had never even imagined that she could enjoy being someone's mom. Her life had been about catching thieves, the rush of the chase, the thrill of the capture. She had only herself to think about, her wardrobe, her shoes, having a glass or two of wine – or scotch – after a hard day's work.

Now, of course, she couldn't imagine not being Hope's mom and she realized that her concept of family had evolved and that, deep down, she really wanted Hope to have a brother or sister – maybe even more than one.

Neal walked up to her and sat on the arm of the chair Sara was comfortably seated in before putting his arm around her.

'Too much thinking going on over here' he said, jokingly 'I can hear you from over there!'

Sara smiled at his comment. 'I don't want Hope to be an only child' she blurted out and she was surprised herself at how the words came out so strong and without hesitation

'Sara, don't go there now' Neal warned 'Let's just get through the next few months and we'll see after that, ok. Don't put any pressure on yourself'

'But I know how much you want another baby and frankly, now, so do I' she said regretfully

'Well, there's still hope, no pun intended' said Neal 'And, there are options, we could adopt, do some fostering... who knows. Let's have a little faith, ok? Hey, how about that for a girl's name – Faith?' he said jokingly trying to illicit a smile from his wife

She groaned instead and looked up at him – he was everything to her and she was overcome with this man's strength and optimism. She pulled him down for a kiss and suddenly, Hope was at their side.

'Hope, kiss' she said trying to get between the two of them

'Alright' said Sara 'Hope kiss' she said, enveloping her in her arms and including her in the group hug

After a couple of days of rest and relaxation by the water, they spent a day visiting the local town of Gravenhurst which was quaint with its shops and restaurants. They walked hand in hand with Hope between them and had lunch at a lovely little place called the Blue Willow Tea Shop which was located by the wharf. They munched on grilled brie and cranberry sandwiches and Hope enjoyed watching the steamships out on the lake.

They spent their evenings on the large deck of the cottage looking out over Lake Muskoka. They barbecued most nights and once Hope was asleep Neal and Sara would sit on the deck in their Adirondack chairs, sip wine and listen to the loons in the distance.

'Sure is a far cry from the hustle and bustle of New York, isn't it?' Neal commented one night as they sat quietly

'Couldn't be more different' agreed Sara, reaching for Neal's hand

'Thank you, Neal' she added quietly and he heard some emotion in her voice but it wasn't sadness, he thought, just emotion

'For what?' he asked, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb

'Everything. You've been amazing. You didn't sign up for this – holding someone's hand through the wonderful maze of cancer...'

'Excuse me – but that is exactly what I signed up for. Were you not at our wedding? I remember every word of my vows' he added showing off

'As if...' she started

Neal just looked at her and rolled his eyes as he began to recite part of his wedding vows: '... I've been fluttering my whole life, looking for someplace to land, somewhere to call home and with you and Hope, I am finally home, safe, secure and grounded. Thank you for that, it's so much more than I ever thought possible and I promise to spend the rest of my life being the husband you deserve and the father our daughter needs to grow safe and wise. I promise to love you and honor you for the rest of our lives and to stand by you in good times and in bad. You _are_ my soul mate, Sara and now that I'm home, I'm never leaving'

She looked up at him, surprised, her eyes filling with tears. It had been over a year since she'd heard those words and now they meant even more as she realized she felt exactly the same way about him.

'Point made' she said, finally

After a few seconds of quiet, except for the sound of crickets nearby, she added 'Neal, the next few months are going to be rough on all of us. I don't want this to be what Hope remembers of me when she looks back. That her mother was sick and couldn't take care of her – and I know that I won't have the energy to do all the things she's used to having me do. I need you to promise me that you won't let her see me when I'm really sick, ok' she said, her voice getting shaky

'Oh, Sara...' Neal didn't have any words. His eyes watered up as he realized that Sara would be going through a metamorphosis over the next few months – both physically and emotionally and his heart broke at the thought.

'Just promise' she repeated looking at him intently

'Promise' he said, his voice breaking slightly

That night, they lay in bed, eyes locked on each other as they came together in a heap of limbs and emotions. They didn't speak, they let their bodies do the talking, reassuring each other that they were both in it for the long run, that their union was based on so much more than what their bodies were able to show each other.

Neal was slow and tentative in his movements, reaching for his wife, holding her and touching her in ways only a man who thoroughly knows the woman he loves could ever do. He ran his hands and his mouth over her body, lingering in all the right places and speaking lovingly to her throughout. He reminded her how very much he loved her, all of her – her mind, her spirit, her wit, her strength, her long legs, her sense of humor, the way she had of throwing her head back when she laughed.

Sara felt like a goddess, she felt the commitment and longing of her husband and as they moved together, she prayed that they would continue to be able to connect in some way during the ordeal she knew was ahead. Cancer wasn't very sexy and she knew that over the next little while, their connection would be altered and that her body might not be able to behave in quite this way for a long while. She enjoyed every second, drawing out every movement, every sensation and enjoying it as much as she possibly could, committing it to memory. Her heart broke for Neal who was so sensitive and loving and who, she knew, would be suffering just as much, if not more, than she would. She knew how much he hated not being able to help those he loved and that he would have a difficult time seeing her suffer.

As if he could read her mind, Neal spoke up as he kissed her belly and made his way down her body 'I wish I could go through this instead of you' he whispered. 'Take everything you need from me, Sara'

By the following weekend, they had returned to the big city and the tough part was about to begin.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

It was Tuesday, the first week of August and the weather was hot and sticky. Neal and Sara were driving to Sloan Kettering on their way to her first chemotherapy treatment. Dr. Franklin had explained that the treatment would take the better part of the day and had asked them to report to the eighth floor gynecological cancer ward by 9:00 a.m.

'Hi' said the pretty blond nurse whose name according to her name tag was Heather 'you must be Sara, we've been expecting you'

'Hi' said Sara, surprised by the upbeat nature of her welcome. 'This is my husband, Neal'

She had been expecting the cancer ward to be a dark and gloomy place but she could hear laughter coming down the hall. Heather took Sara's arm as Neal followed and she took them around the ward. There were hospital rooms including room 807 - the one Sara had been hospitalized in - and a large common room where patients received their chemotherapy. As they entered the doorway, Sara heard a woman's voice speaking loudly.

'Hey, a new recruit!' shouted the woman as they walked in

Sara took in the lay of the room – there were six hospital beds around the perimeter and four large Lazy boy chairs. The room was large enough to accommodate eight or so patients and a friend or loved one for each one of them. As she walked in, she immediately noticed the woman who had first spoken up. She was sitting up in one of the beds and she was hooked up to an IV; she had a funny little cap on her head and her skin was pallid and gray, looking sickly and weak. Sara guessed she was in her forties but it was difficult to tell without hair and makeup. She looked frail but her voice was totally different from her appearance: strong, throaty and deep.

'Hi, newbie! I'm Janet' she said looking directly at Sara

'I'm Sara, Sara Caffrey' said Sara unsure how to react to this unusual welcome

'Welcome to the bar, pull up a stool. We'll be serving cocktails in just a few minutes' said Janet, laughing throatily.

Another woman who was sitting in one of the chairs started to laugh. She was sitting with a younger man who might have been her son. Sara could also see a third younger woman lying in one of the beds beside Janet. She was also hooked up to an IV but she was turned away from the rest of the group and appeared to be reading a magazine. Finally, there was a woman who looked to be in her sixties who was sitting in the bed on the other side of Janet who was talking softly with a man her age sitting next to her – she didn't have any hair and she was lying on her pillow looking tired.

Sara took in the whole of the room and it took everything she had not to turn around and run back home. What was she doing here? – she didn't belong here. These were sick people and she was just fine. She was a beautiful young woman and next to her was her handsome husband and they had a gorgeous little girl – their lives were nothing like the lives of these people all around her. Heather spoke and Sara snapped back to reality.

'Alright, Janet, let's give Sara a little time to settle in, ok?' she said, looking over at Sara and Neal to make sure they were alright.

Neal smiled meekly to encourage Sara to take a few more steps into the room and Heather began to speak again.

'Sara, you will always be getting your chemo on Tuesdays - every third week - and you'll be asked to arrive at around the same time, around nine. When you arrive, you can pick any spot you like: bed or chair, whatever is most comfortable for you. After you settle in, one of the nurses will come in and get you prepped for your chemo. I'm sure Dr. Franklin mentioned that you should plan on spending most of the day here. Depending on how well you tolerate the drugs, it can be quicker or it can take a little longer. Now, would you like to use the washroom before we start?'

'Sure' said Sara

'Right over there' Heather pointed to the washroom which was located between the two rows of beds right inside the room

'Thanks' said Sara. 'Neal, do you want to take my things?' she asked her husband

'Sure, where do you want to set up?' he asked, looking around the room

'How about that bed right over there' answered Sara pointing to a bed by the window

When she returned, Neal was sitting beside the bed and was awaiting her return. Heather entered the room with a second nurse who was rolling in an IV poll and two bags of medication.

'Hi Sara' she said 'I'm Joanne and I'll be your nurse today. How are you feeling?'

'A little nervous, I guess. Not sure what to expect' came Sara's answer

'Of course, but don't worry about a thing, we'll walk you through it and some of the patients will be glad to give you some tips, isn't that right, Janet?' she said louder, looking over at the rowdy patient.

'You betcha' came the answer 'I'm an old pro at this'

Joanne looked over at Neal: 'Neal, it's going to take me a few minutes to get Sara prepped and I'm going to need to move around the bed quite a bit. Can I suggest you go and get some coffee for your wife and yourself and give me about ten minutes?'

'Sure, coffee okay Sara?' he asked leaning down to give her a peck on the cheek and an encouraging wink

'Tea, please. Hurry back' replied Sara, feeling extremely insecure and wishing Neal didn't have to go, even for just a few minutes

Joanne got the IV line set up and began with a drip of Benadryl which was part of the protocol to avoid allergic reactions to any of the harsh chemicals they were about to inject. Sara could feel herself instantly getting drowsy as the medication began flowing in her veins. Contrary to any meds taken by mouth, intravenous medication worked instantly and Sara let her head fall back on the pillow.

'You'll be sleepy for just a few minutes while the Benadryl goes through your system, Sara. That's normal. And then, I'll start with the first of the chemo drugs but I'll sit with you until your husband comes back. We want to make sure you don't have any adverse reaction to the medication so we'll keep a close eye on you, especially for the first time'

Neal had made it all the way to the cafeteria which was located on the first floor of the hospital and found that there was a long line up at the cash. The place was buzzing with employees, patients and visitors. He got some tea for Sara and a coffee for himself and he picked up a muffin just in case Sara got hungry later. He made his way back to the eighth floor realizing it had taken him over twenty minutes to get back. As the elevator door opened, he heard a loud voice:

'I need a crash cart, stat' called out a nurse.

He began down the hall and could see a commotion just outside the chemo treatment room. He began to walk faster as an uneasy feeling came over him. As he got to the door, he could see several nurses and a doctor around the bed where he had left Sara just a few minutes before. One of the nurses walked up to him.

'Mr. Caffrey, just give us a minute please. Your wife has had a severe reaction to one of the drugs'

'What?' said Neal as he put down the cups he was holding and tried to make his way into the room towards his wife

'Please, Mr. Caffrey, just let us do our job' she insisted

Neal stared, mesmerized. He could see Sara's feet but her body and face were concealed behind the many hospital staff who were tending to her. One nurse appeared to be doing chest compressions and another one was looking intently at a monitor by the bed. There was no other sound in the room and he could sense the tension in the silence.

After a minute or so, he could hear a beep emanating from the monitor by Sara's bed and he observed that the staff were beginning to back off. Slowly they stepped away from Sara's bed, one by one, and he could see her lying there with her eyes wide open. He strode over to her looking at Joanne, who had not moved from her side.

Sara just looked at Neal with her eyes riveted on his face and he turned to the nurse for some sort of explanation.

'Neal, I'm sorry if we scared you' said Joanne 'Sometimes patients react to these medications and we have to watch them very carefully. Although we always give Benadryl first, some patients, like Sara, have extreme reactions. As soon as I saw that she was having an adverse reaction, we brought in a crash cart just in case things deteriorated but she's fine'

'Her heart stopped?' asked Neal, incredulous

'Just for a few seconds or so but I can assure you that she's fine now' said Joanne, trying to reassure him

Neal looked down and saw that Sara's eyes were now closed.

'I've given her some more Benadryl and that's made her drowsy but she'll wake up in a couple of minutes' explained Joanne

'Does that mean she can't have the drugs?' asked Neal, confused

'No, we'll still give her the drugs but in a highly diluted form so it will just take a little longer to administer that way, that's all'

'Are you sure it's safe?' Neal was really starting to wonder if this was a good idea

'Neal, I'll be watching her closely the whole time. This happens more often than we care to admit and we just have to adjust the level of toxicity she can endure and make certain we dilute the medication so she can tolerate it'

Neal realized he was shaking. He let himself fall into the chair by Sara's bed and the sudden movement awakened her. She looked up at him and saw the worry in his eyes.

'What happened?' she asked

'You had a severe reaction to the drug and your heart stopped' said Neal not believing the words he was speaking

'I could feel this intense pressure in my chest and all of a sudden, I was really hot then... nothing' she said as her eyes began to close again

Neal just stared at her, overwhelmed. He had no idea how strong and powerful those drugs were and he wondered if they were making the right decision about the treatments.

'Neal, is it?' it was Janet speaking to him. He looked over as she sat up in her bed

'Don't worry, she's going to be fine. Those drugs are powerful but they get the job done. They gave me four years I never would have gotten otherwise' she said

'What?' he asked, not really understanding what she was saying

'This is my second go-around. I was diagnosed with a stage 3 ovarian cancer five years ago and although the treatments were brutal, it bought me four years. I was able to see my daughter get married and my first grandson born. This time, I don't think I'll be so lucky but I'm not giving up' she said, smiling at him

Neal just looked down at Sara who was still snoozing. The enormity of the disease and the very real danger of losing his wife hit him once again and if it hadn't been for Sara who would open her eyes any second, he would have run outside to try to pull himself together. As it was, he took a deep breath, smiled back at Janet and pulled out his patented Caffrey face so he could greet Sara with a smile when she opened her eyes.

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

The rest of the day was uneventful, thankfully as the three drugs were administered one after the other. Sara's sensitivity appeared to be limited to the first drug they had given her and when they began again with the highly diluted medication, she had been fine. A couple of times, the nurses adjusted the flow as Sara complained of a burning sensation in her veins, a common side effect of one's body being assailed by strong, potent drugs.

As the day wore on, Sara and Neal got to know the patients in the room with them. At ten o'clock, another woman, Jill, had arrived and she had sat in one of the chairs by the window. She had come alone, saying her husband couldn't get away from work. Jill was on cycle 4 of her treatments for a Stage 2 cervical cancer and she chatted about her three children, two of which were away at college and her teenager who was living at home. Sara thought she looked lonely and she wondered if this woman was getting the support she so obviously needed. She looked over at Neal, realizing once again how lucky she was to have him with her through every step of this ordeal.

Then there was Grace, the woman who was sitting with the younger man - he turned out to be her nephew, Kevin. He was the only relative she had and he accompanied her to all her appointments. They appeared very close and it was obvious the young man cared a great deal about his aunt Grace. She was finishing up her treatments; two more and she would be done and she couldn't wait to get back to her life.

As the day wore on, Neal and Sara also got to know Janet a little more. She shared pictures of her new grandson, Jacob. He was a cutie, three months old. It was obvious that Janet doted on him and that she enjoyed every moment she had with him. Janet usually came to treatment with her husband, Harold, but she explained that on this day, he himself had a doctor's appointment – he was suffering from early onset Alzheimer's and sometimes, he was the one who needed help. Sara could tell that this woman loved her husband very much – she saw how her eyes watered up as she shared her story. She seemed incredibly strong and resolute and Sara wondered how someone could go through this not just once but twice. Janet's abrasiveness, a little jarring at first, had turned out to be just one of the many facets of this complex person's strong character.

The woman on the one side of Janet who had been sitting with her husband introduced herself as Clara. She was in her late sixties, a good old fashioned Italian grandmother who doted on her large brood. She and her husband, Gino, had eight children, thirteen grandchildren and they still ran a convenience store in their neighborhood in Queens. She was about halfway through her six cycles and she shared how she had elected to have the rest of her head shaven because her hair had begun to fall in clumps the week before. Sara touched her long red hair and gulped – that was definitely not something she was looking forward to.

Only the woman lying on the other side of Janet remained an enigma. She didn't identify herself and read most of the day, choosing to ignore the chatter in the room.

As the day progressed, Neal could see Sara relaxing a bit as she became acclimatized to the new surroundings. The nurses were fantastic; making certain each patient was well cared for and had everything they needed including something to eat and drink and they catered to the women's needs if they went to the bathroom or needed some help moving around.

It was 4:10 and Neal looked on as the last of the mystery liquid dripped down Sara's IV line and into her veins. She was lying quietly with her eyes closed but he knew she was awake by the way she was squeezing his hand. Joanne walked in to check the bag hanging from the IV pole.

'Sara, you did it! You've gotten through your first day of chemotherapy' she proclaimed

Sara opened her eyes and smiled at her.

Joanne began to take the IV needle out as she continued talking: 'Sara, with all the commotion this morning, I forgot to talk to you about the option of having a port installed to receive your chemo drugs'

Sara and Neal looked at each other – they didn't even know what that was.

Joanne picked up on their quizzical looks: 'A port is installed for the duration of your treatments right under your skin – it's a temporary plastic tube that is inserted into your chest, arm or leg and it stays in place all through your treatments. That way, we don't have to insert a needle every time. Some people prefer this especially if they don't like needles. Of course, some people don't like having this port on their body all the time either.'

Sara asked: 'So you can see the port?'

'Yes, it's a permanent IV line so it hangs securely from your arm or chest'

'Can it fall out or be pulled out?'

'It could be pulled out but not easily. You would have to really tug on it'

'I'll think about it' said Sara 'We have a toddler at home and I wouldn't want to have to worry about her accidentally pulling it out'

'That's fine, if you decide you would like one, we can install it when you come back in three weeks. Now, I have to give you the lowdown on the next few days. First of all, I want to stress that each person reacts somewhat differently to these drugs but there are some common side-effects I want to prepare you for.'

'First' she said handing a prescription to Neal 'I want you to pick up this prescription on your way home. It's for two pills, one tomorrow and one on Thursday. This should help with some of the more common issues such as nausea and muscle aches. I'll give you one before you go today and you can take the other two as prescribed. You might find the next few days particularly difficult as the drugs move through your system. Expect muscle aches, nausea, vomiting and lots of fatigue. But I want you to always remember that these drugs are killing any remaining cancer cells left in your body and by the beginning of next week, you'll start to feel better. Also, as Dr. Franklin told you, try to avoid groups of people – don't go out in public too much so you can avoid catching any bugs out there. Your immune system is being attacked and you are much more vulnerable to catching things. And, don't forget your blood work, a few days before you come back so we can check your creatinine levels'

Sara nodded; she had heard all this from Dr. Franklin

'What about hair loss? When will that happen?'

'Well, it doesn't happen to everyone but it does happen to most people. It's a pain in the ass but I'll tell you something, if you lose your hair, it means the drugs are really working and that is a good thing. Usually, patients start noticing hair loss after the second treatment. That's when you might want to think about alternatives. Here are some options for you'

She handed Sara a list of wig shops and stores that sold head coverings of all types. Sara was the first to admit that she was vain and she hated the thought of losing not only her hair, but her eyebrows and eyelashes. She sighed.

'If you need anything, anything at all, advice, medication, you call us. We are your best friends for the next few months, ok? Oh, and don't forget the support group on Monday nights; you're free to come anytime. And Neal, there's also one for family members.'

Sara smiled and nodded again. Neal and Sara looked around the room. Jill was the only one left – everyone had left one by one as their treatments ended.

They walked hand in hand to the elevator, Sara feeling slightly dazed but not bad considering. She was surprised that she didn't feel worse. Neal seemed to be paying particular attention to her every movement, anticipating that she would not be feeling well but she walked purposefully by his side and even insisted on walking all the way to the parking lot when he offered to have her sit and wait for him by the entrance.

'Mama, mama' yelled Hope as they walked into the Burkes' home to pick her up.

'Mama, sick?' she asked looking at her mother. Sara shivered – she didn't want those two words to be associated with her automatically.

'No, Mommy's not sick' she told her daughter as Neal observed the interaction.

'So, how are you feeling?' asked Elizabeth as she touched her friend's arm

'Surprisingly good, just a little off' came the answer

'Look, Peter's going to be home from work in about half an hour. Why don't you stay for dinner? I made beef bourguignon...' she said hoping to entice Sara with a meal she knew to be one of her favorites

'On a Tuesday night?' said Sara, surprised. She looked at Neal as they silently communicated about whether or not to accept the invitation. Married people developed a knack for full fledged discussions without needing to say a word and Neal and Sara were no exception to this rule.

'Sounds like a plan' Neal said finally as Satchmo ran up to him with Hope right behind him. The dog looked pleadingly at Neal – please, make her stop – he begged with his doggie eyes.

'Hey, how about I take Satchmo for a walk before dinner? Do you want to come, Hope?' he asked as he picked up his daughter

'Sach walk' she repeated, gleefully

Elizabeth offered Sara a glass of wine, which she declined. The anti-nausea drug she had just taken didn't do well with alcohol so she accepted Elizabeth's offer of a Perrier instead.

'So...' asked Elizabeth not wanting to pry but curious, as usual

'It wasn't that bad except for a little mishap first thing this morning' said Sara 'and I met some really incredible women'

Elizabeth listened intently. 'You mean like you?' she said. She thought her friend was really brave and at times, she didn't know what she could do to help. She was glad to be able to make dinner for the Caffreys and to offer child care for Hope. It made her feel like she was at least doing something to help with the situation.

They were interrupted by Peter's arrival from work and shortly after, the motley crew of Neal, Hope and Satchmo returned as well.

The rest of the evening was pleasant after a most unusual day. Hope was glad to see her parents and she sat happily on Neal's knee through dinner, listening in on the conversations and repeating random words here and there, wanting to be included. She made everyone laugh at her many attempts to repeat 'bourguignon' and after a few tries, she could see she had a rapt audience so she began to ham it up by repeating it in ways that made everyone giggle. She was turning into a little show-girl and she loved all the attention – not unlike her dad who had always enjoyed being at the centre of things.

They headed back to White Plains in the early evening, anxious to return home and get Hope settled for the night. She was spending a lot of time at the Burkes and even though Neal and Sara were appreciative of everything Peter and Elizabeth were doing for them, there really was no place like home.

Hope was tucked in to bed and asked Sara to lie with her until she fell asleep. When Neal checked on them an hour later, he found his wife snoring next to their daughter. He touched her hair gently as he thought of the events of the day and the horror of seeing her lying there with all that medical personnel around her.

He sighed - this was definitely going to be a bumpy ride.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Neal had arranged to take the rest of the week off. That way, he could care for Hope and be around to monitor things with Sara. Since this was her first chemotherapy cycle, they had no idea how her body would be reacting. Dr. Franklin had warned that she would likely have the same reaction every single cycle so Neal braced for the next few days not knowing what to expect.

Sara slept in until about 9 o'clock on the morning after her chemo, then she came down to the kitchen to check things out. The house was empty and a quick look around confirmed that Neal had probably taken Hope to the park to play since the stroller was MIA. He often took the stroller with him so that she could climb in on the way back. Hope was a terrific little walker but by 11 o'clock or so she would be ready for a nap and it would be difficult to coax her to walk the three blocks back home.

Sara poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table glancing at the morning paper. She felt a bit dazed, similar to when you have a hangover, disconnected from reality but not in any pain. She was tired though and by the time Neal and Hope had returned, she had gone back to bed. She took her little blue pill and hoped for the best.

When Thursday morning rolled around, Sara woke up in pure agony. Her body was so sore that she was unable to get out of bed to use the washroom. Neal had to help her up and she held on to him as she slowly made her way there and back. Dr. Franklin had suggested some Advil for muscle pain so Neal got her a couple and a glass of water before helping her back to bed. The contrast between how she was feeling and the way she had felt the day before was jarring and Neal was visibly upset. When Hope ran into their bedroom to greet her parents, he attempted to keep her from jumping on the bed as she often did but he missed the mark and she landed flat on Sara who let out a shriek of pain as her daughter rolled off of her. Sara began to cry as the pain became overwhelming and this just threw Hope off as she began to sob as well. Neal looked from one to the other not knowing who to tend to first but he quickly realized that Hope's cries were just upsetting Sara so he picked up his daughter and took her into her into her own room where he sat on the edge of her bed, holding her tenderly against his chest as her sobbing escalated into loud cries.

'Hope, it's okay baby, it's okay' Neal repeated as he rocked her

'Maaamaaa, maaamaaa' she kept crying

'Mama's okay sweetie. She's just feeling sick' he said as she began to breathe normally again

'Mama, sick' said Hope, crying softly

'Neal!' he could hear Sara from the other room 'Bring her back in here, I don't want her upset'

Neal barely recognized Sara's voice and he knew that she must really be in pain. He carried Hope who was still snivelling into their room and Sara attempted a very forced smile

'Daddy's going to take you out today, okay angel' she said

Neal just looked at her pleadingly. He didn't want to leave her like this. Sara gave him 'the' look, the one she reserved for the times that there was no negotiation and he knew she meant business.

'Maybe I can get Elizabeth to come over for awhile' he said, hoping for some sort of compromise

'NO, don't you dare!' she said firmly 'I don't want to see anyone today, Neal. I mean it'

Neal nodded. He turned to Hope: 'Come on, sweetie, let's have some breakfast okay? And then we can go out for a while'

'Park?' she asked

'Maybe the park or maybe we can go visit Uncle Peter at his office'

'Uccle Pe'er' she said, quickly forgetting her woes

Neal did as he had been asked and just before leaving with Hope, he came back to say goodbye to Sara. Mercifully, she had fallen asleep and not wanting to wake her, he picked up a pad and pen from the bedside table and wrote her a note.

_Went out with Hope. Call if you need me and I'll come running. I hate this but I love you. N xx_

Neal left the house against his better judgement but he knew just how proud Sara was. She didn't like anyone around when she wasn't at her best and he was torn between respecting her wishes and doing what he thought was best for her. He drove around aimlessly for a while before he found himself heading for the Federal Building. He hadn't been to the office in over two weeks and when he walked in, everyone turned to look – of course, they were really looking at the beautiful toddler he was carrying but Neal's ego was intact and he always felt people were looking at him.

'Hi Hope' said Diana as she walked up to greet them

Hope just smiled shyly as she clung to her dad. She knew Diana from family gatherings but like every toddler, she was still unsure with people she didn't know well.

Diana looked up at Neal and intuitively felt that he needed to talk to Peter so she put her arms out for Hope 'Would you like to come with me and get some juice?' she asked

Hope's face lit up 'Juice' she repeated willingly going to Diana

Peter greeted his partner with a big smile as Neal made his way into his office.

'Hi, I wasn't expecting to see you here today' Peter said, standing up

'Well, I wasn't planning on being here either so I guess we're even' said Neal, taking the chair in front of Peter's desk

'What's up? How's Sara?' he asked

'Nothing like what you saw the other night' answered Neal 'She was in agony when I left her. She says her bones and muscles feel like they're in a vice-grip'

'Chemo is horrible' agreed Peter 'Our neighbor, Sylvia, had chemo last year and El used to bring her some meals. Some days, Sylvia couldn't even get out of bed'

He looked at Neal, who was looking discouraged and Peter continued, trying to make the save 'But she's all better now, and she's feeling great'

Neal just nodded – he could see right through Peter.

'She's so damn pig-headed. She won't let me do anything for her. She doesn't want me to see her when she's sick and she's anal about Hope being around when she's like this. I just don't know what to do'

'I don't know what to tell you Neal. I've never been in this situation but I do know the wrath of Sara though. If she doesn't want you there, she's going to find ways to keep you away'

Sara lay in bed and wept. She had never been in so much pain in her life. This was nothing like childbirth - this was her whole body in agony. She didn't want her little girl to have this mental image of her mom and she resolved to do anything to keep that from happening. She thought of Neal's face that morning and she knew he was suffering too – mental anguish from not knowing what to do. He would willingly take this from her if he could, this she knew, but that was not possible and there was no point in both of them suffering so if she could just keep him away, he wouldn't need to know just how bad it was. She prayed that this would pass soon and she hung onto Joanne's words that by the beginning of next week, she would start to feel better.

Neal didn't call during the day, not wanting to wake Sara if she'd been lucky enough to fall asleep. He made a quick trip to the market for dinner and returned by four o'clock. The house was quiet and he crept up the stairs with a sleeping Hope in his arms. It had been a long day, visiting the White Collar offices, having lunch out with Uncle Peter then going to the park and she had nodded off in the car. As he quietly came up the stairs, he could hear a soft noise and as he got closer her realized Sara was moaning as she slept. He put Hope down on her bed and went into his bedroom. Sara was rocking back and forth softly lamenting and he lay down beside her, gently putting his arm around her.

'Ow, no, Neal, don't touch me please, that hurts' she said as she woke from her uneasy sleep

Neal pulled away.

'Even my skin hurts' she said in a soft murmur

Neal just lay there feeling useless and inadequate. There had to be something he could do – this was akin to watching the person you love being tortured and just letting it happen.

Friday morning arrived and the horrible aches and pains from Thursday had turned into violent and constant vomiting. Sara had barely had anything to eat all day Thursday – just a little bit of soup at dinner – and yet, she was vomiting every few minutes. Neal called the hospital and spoke to the oncology team to get their advice. Unfortunately, the symptoms were all too common and the advice was to make sure she didn't become dehydrated.

Again, Sara was insisting that Neal take Hope out of the house so she wouldn't witness her mom's violent nausea and the more he argued, the more upset she was getting.

'Moz, I need a favor' said Neal, his voice breaking as he whispered into the phone

'Hey Neal, what's up' said Mozzie

'It's Sara, she had her first chemotherapy this week and she's in a really bad way. I wonder if you have anything that might make her feel better – no drugs, something natural' he specified

'What are her symptoms?' asked Mozzie. Even though he didn't like to brag, he had extensive knowledge of natural remedies and many contacts he could call on in times of need

'She won't let you in, you'll have to bully your way' Neal warned

'I can bully my way in as well as the next man' responded Mozzie, slightly offended

Sara was on one of her many trips to the toilet when she heard the door open downstairs. Damn it, she thought, Neal's back. She got a good strong hold of the banister and started down the stairs to the front door. There, totally unexpected, stood Mozzie staring back at her.

She took the last step off the stairs and looked at him and Mozzie was shocked at the way she looked. He didn't remember if he had ever seen Sara without makeup and heels and he just stared as she spoke:

'Neal's not here Mozzie and I'm in no mood to entertain' she said, deadpan

'Sara, you look... how are you feeling?' he asked

Sara rolled her eyes at him. For a smart guy, Mozzie wasn't very observant sometimes.

Suddenly, the urge hit once again and she ran into the small bathroom by the front door and threw up. When she stepped out, Mozzie was standing there with a glass of water in his hand. He took her arm and walked her over to the couch. She was too tired and weak to argue so she sat and her shaking hands took the glass he offered her.

'You have to stay hydrated' said Mozzie, authoritatively

She took a sip. 'What is this stuff? It doesn't taste like water'

'It's water with electrolytes' said Mozzie 'you're vomiting so much that you're losing electrolytes and that can be dangerous for your body'

She looked up at him like he was from another planet but she kept drinking.

'And you just happen to be carrying around some water with electrolytes?' she said, suspiciously

'It's good for you' lied Mozzie 'I always keep some on hand for emergencies'

'Neal called you, didn't he?' she said, finally putting two and two together and coming up with a big fat four

She was tired of fighting and she put her head on Mozzie's shoulder. For some reason, it was easier with someone other than Neal who didn't have the same emotional connection to her. After a few minutes, she slept... until it was time to throw up some more.

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Neal and Sara lay in bed and Neal turned to cuddle up to his wife. It was the week before her second round of chemo and she had begun to look more like herself over the past few days.

He missed her and he wanted to feel close to her. He remembered the closeness they had shared the week they'd gone away to the cottage, just before she started her treatments. He had felt so close to her, so connected. Since she had begun chemo, she seemed more distant and he missed the laughter, the closeness and quite frankly, the sex. They hadn't been together since the night before they came back to New York and that was three weeks ago but it felt like an eternity. He wondered what he was doing wrong (pushing too hard, not pushing enough) but whenever he tried to start a conversation, Sara would just shut him down immediately. He suspected she was just scared or not feeling well, regardless, she wouldn't open up to him, withdrawing into herself. The worse had been the few days after chemo when she had been so sick. She had literally pushed him out of the house so she could suffer in silence. And in another couple of days, the cycle would start all over again.

He thought back to the flyer he had received in the mail. Every family member of a cancer patient at Sloan Kettering received an invitation to a family support group. Neal had never considered himself a 'support group' kind of guy. After all, he had Mozzie and Peter and to a lesser extent, Jones and others from work. They all wanted to help but they had no idea what he was going through. Maybe, these people at the support group could help…

Sara felt Neal move behind her in the bed and spoon her. She could feel him grinding against her ever so slightly just enough to send her a clear message. She pretended to sleep… she just couldn't share any kind of intimacy with Neal right now – if she let her guard down, the floodgates would open and she would lose all control over her emotions. Who knew what would come out; she wouldn't be able to censor herself. He didn't need to know just how much pain she was in or how scared she was. She could see her pain reflected in his eyes and the less he knew about what she was going through, the better. She could tell he was feeling helpless – he kept telling her that he wished he could go through this instead of her - but of course, that wasn't how things worked and she just didn't want to see the hurt and pain in his eyes every time she looked at him.

She was strong – everyone always told her so – she just needed to hang on until the treatments were over.

WCWCWC

206E. Neal walked up the hallway looking for the room number. He wasn't sure why he was here. He just knew that Sara was shutting him out and he needed to talk to somebody about it, somebody who would understand what he was going through. The smell of good coffee floated in the air – he hoped it was coming from the 'Families of Cancer Patients Support Group' and not some other meeting or workshop. Luckily, the smell was emanating from room 206E – a small meeting room where chairs were placed in a circle; two men were seated and a third walked up to him to greet him.

'Hi, I'm Jason Goodwin' he said shaking Neal's hand

'Neal Caffrey' he responded, looking nervously around the room

'First time, huh?' said Jason

'Am I that obvious?' countered Neal

'No, it's just that I'm the group leader and I've never seen you here before' he responded 'Why don't you grab a coffee; we'll get started in about five minutes'

Neal walked over to get a coffee just as one of the two men rose to do the same.

'Hi' he said 'I'm Paul'

'Neal'

'It's my first time, too' said Paul 'Thought I'd give it a whirl'

Neal just nodded. He was really starting to think he'd made a big mistake coming here. He should be able to deal with this stuff himself instead of talking about it to outsiders. He didn't want to bare his soul to complete strangers but he was at a loss and he worried that Sara was building a wall around her that would eventually be impenetrable.

A couple of other people walked in – a young woman in her early twenties and a man Neal recognized from the treatment room, Gino, Clara's husband

'Hey Gino' said Neal, happy to have at least one familiar face to relate to. Gino smiled but he was obviously a reserved person and Neal realized he might not even remember his name.

'Neal, Sara's husband …. from chemo'

'Oh, yes, hello' he answered in his thick Italian accent

Jason was rallying the troupes, trying to get everyone to take a seat so they all gathered round and the group leader welcomed everyone to the group.

'Good evening everyone, my name is Jason and I'm your group leader. My mom is a breast cancer survivor and I got involved with the group when she was going through her treatments four years ago. I had such a good time, I decided to hang around and support other people who were going through the same thing.'

There was an uneasy silence.

'This is a very informal group. If you want to share, you can; if not, you can listen. I think you will find that we all have something in common. We all have a loved one with cancer and we're not sure how we can support them and take care of our feelings and emotions at the same time'

That seemed to resonate with people because there was a nervous laughter throughout the room as he spoke.

'Everybody reacts differently to having cancer. Some people need a lot of support; others tend to isolate themselves or some, like my mom, want to pretend nothing is happening and continue to take care of everyone around them.

Again, an uneasy giggle. Neal looked around the room.

Jason suggested that everyone introduce themselves – first names only – and share whatever they wanted to about themselves and why they were there.

'I'm Paul' said the man Neal had met at the coffee table 'I'm here to get some support because my sister has been diagnosed with colon cancer and I'm her only relative'

Next was the young woman: 'My name is Dina. My dad has pancreatic cancer and he's in hospital. I'm having trouble coping…'

'I'm Neal, my wife, Sara, has ovarian cancer and she just started chemo treatments. I'd like to support her the best way I can'

Gino spoke next: 'I'm Gino and I'm here because my wife told me to come'

Everyone laughed.

Finally, the last man sitting next to Gino looked up. He seemed very anxious and unsure 'My name is Harold. My wife is on her second bout with cancer and she's not doing well with her treatments.'

Neal studied the man. At Sara's chemo session, Janet had mentioned her husband Harold. She had explained that he had Alzheimer's. Could this be the guy, Neal wondered.

Jason asked if anyone wanted to start and Paul spoke up. He was in his forties, Neal guessed, and he was dressed in a suit and tie, probably coming over straight from work like Neal had.

'As I said, my sister has just been diagnosed with colon cancer and I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to act' he said 'she's upset most of the time and no matter what I say, it's never the right thing. I'm confused.'

'That's a common feeling' said Jason 'You never know if you should talk about it or not talk about it, right? If you talk about it, you wonder if you're making it worse by having your loved one focus on it but believe me, it is always on their mind. The best thing is to take your cue from your loved one – let _them_ bring it up. If they want to talk about whatever is bugging them, try to be available and open to what they're telling you'

Harold piped up: 'My wife, Janet, is the most amazing woman in the world. She is so optimistic and she lives every day fully but it doesn't hurt any less to know that she will be gone soon.'

'Does she tell you how you can support her?' asked Jason

'Oh, yeah. She's so outspoken. She doesn't have much energy but she's always wanting to try new things and our sex life has been amazing' he said as everyone giggled.

Neal thought of Janet, the little he knew of her, and he could see the free spirit it her – her way of telling it like it was and he could imagine her pushing the limits.

Dina looked shy but she was obviously in need of advice and support and that seemed to be enough to spur her on as she spoke:

'My dad's probably going to die within a couple of months. It just happened so fast, you know. I'm in college and I always thought my dad would always be there – that he'd be there for my graduation and that he'd walk me down the aisle. I'm scared.' She began to cry softly and Paul who was sitting next to her patted her shoulder gently in comfort.

'That's crappy, Dina. Stuff like that shouldn't happen, you're right. Do you have people around you who can support you?'

'My mom and my brothers but we all seem to be coping with our own crap, you know'

'But you all love your dad' said Jason 'and sticking together will help you get through this'

She nodded.

Neal felt compelled to speak up: 'Well, I don't want to contradict Harold, but _my _wife is the most amazing woman in the world' he said 'She so strong and self-sufficient – those are exactly the qualities that drew me to her in the first place… But she's struggling and she's not letting me in and I feel totally helpless. All I want is to be with her even when she's feeling crappy but she keeps pushing me away'

'Have you told her how you feel?' asked Jason

Neal nodded 'Yeah, but she's pig-headed' he said, laughing

By the end of the meeting, everyone was feeling a little more comfortable with one another and as the session broke up, Harold walked up to Neal.

'I think my wife told me about your wife, Sara. She said she met this amazing woman at chemo two weeks ago'

'Yes, and I met your wife too. She's one strong lady' answered Neal

'Don't give up, Neal. Keep talking to your wife – she'll let you in' said Harold as he walked away

Neal didn't know why but somehow, he believed Harold who had said things with such assurance and clarity despite his apparent confusion due to his disease.

Whatever he did, he couldn't give up on Sara letting him in.

Arriving at the hospital for the second round of chemo was totally different from the first time. Sara knew what she was up against and she was actually looking forward to seeing some of the women again. Spending six to eight hours locked in a room made for strange bedfellows and unusual alliances were being formed. She had tried to talk Neal into dropping her off and coming back later but he wouldn't hear of it and she had lost that battle.

It was as if no time had passed as Sara stepped into the chemo treatment room. Janet was in the middle of telling some joke about the ten best ways to tell people you have cancer. She was sitting in the bed in the middle again and this time, Harold was with her. He looked up and acknowledged Neal as he walked in. Clara was well settled to her right. This time, a younger version of Gino was sitting next to her. Grace was sitting in a chair by the window with Kevin at her side and the mysterious young lady whose name Sara still didn't know was facing the wall with her eyes closed.

Sara was set up with her IV. She had discussed it with Neal and had decided that she didn't want a port. When she wasn't receiving treatments, she didn't want a constant reminder hanging from her body.

Jill arrived an hour later as she had three weeks before and the group of six from three weeks before was complete. The day seemed to fly – Neal went out and got them some sandwiches for lunch and without the drama of her first chemo experience, Sara prepared to leave at four o'clock armed with her prescription for her two little pills.

'Tell me about your reactions from the first round of chemo' said Joyce as she took Sara's IV out of her arm.

'Wednesday wasn't bad. Thursday was horrible with muscle pain and it felt as if my bones were being twisted in a vice-grip' admitted Sara

Neal listened attentively. She had done such an effective job of keeping him at arm's length, she was sharing more with her nurse than she had with him.

'Friday was vomit day, all day' Sara added 'and then I was just really run down for a couple of days. By the following week, I felt pretty good'

'Well, here's the thing : the good news is the more you suffer with chemo side effects, the more effective it is because the drugs are really having the desired effect on those cancer cells; bad news : it will likely be the same, identical thing every cycle so please, brace yourself'

Sara nodded. 'Alright' she said 'Let the games begin.' She took the hand that Neal was offering and she followed him out to the elevator.

TBC


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

It was throw up Friday – the second in a series and Sara made her way downstairs to the couch – change of scenery and all. Throwing up in the ensuite bathroom upstairs or doing it downstairs in the small bathroom by the front door… what difference did it make, it was still throwing up.

The ten, fifteen minutes between the regular trips to the toilet were welcome breaks and she sat on the couch and grabbed the throw to cover herself up. She was always cold these days, it seemed. It was only early September and the weather was still gorgeous but she was always cold... From her vantage point, she could see Hope's swing set in the backyard and the blackeyed susans Neal had insisted on planting early in the summer. They were in full bloom – who knew Caffrey, conman extraordinaire, would have a green thumb. It had surprised Neal most of all when he had started visiting the local greenhouse in search of lush plants to decorate the backyard. By early June, he had planted a bunch of perennials and some beautiful flowering plants in pots along the edge of the deck. He always enjoyed sitting out there and reading in what he called 'his' garden.

She was still being obstinate about having Neal and Hope around when she was having her bad days. She knew Neal was hurt but as far as she was concerned, it wasn't an option to have him cater to her as she threw up and writhed in bed from the pain of her bones and muscles aching. She hadn't told him, but she had noticed that her hair had started to fall out. In the morning, she could see hair on her pillow case and every time she ran her fingers through her hair, she would come away with a handful.

Neal had been trying every way he possibly could to connect with her – talking, cajoling, sweet talking, teasing and worse of all letting her know he wanted to connect by having sex with her. That thought totally repulsed her as she thought of a bald woman making out with a man the likes of Neal Caffrey. Of course, she knew that her husband loved her, all of her, but she didn't feel desirable and she was damned if she was going to go there. So she just kept him at bay, letting him believe she was just too tired or sick to care about something as superficial as sex.

Of course, sex was never superficial for Neal and Sara – it was one of the ways they connected and it had always been so easy – and she missed it...

She heard a soft knock at the door but from where she was sitting she couldn't tell who was there. She waited silently for whoever it was to leave but there came a second knock and this time the door opened just a few inches and she heard a familiar voice.

'Sara, it's Janet' she heard as the door opened wide and Janet walked in

She spotted Sara sitting on the couch as the door swung open and without hesitation, she walked purposefully over to join her.

Sara looked up at her 'What are doing here?'

'Just a friendly little visit' she answered as she sat beside her, not waiting for an invitation to do so – by the look on Sara's face, she probably wouldn't have gotten one

'Not my best day, I'm afraid' said Sara softly, pointing to the garbage pail she carried with her, just in case

'That doesn't matter' answered Janet 'It's nothing I haven't seen – or done' she added

'Well, I would prefer not having an audience for this' responded Sara, running her hand through her hair. Once again, she noticed the clump of hair in her hand as she placed it in her lap and the sight of it brought on a wave of emotion she hadn't seen coming. She began to cry.

'Oh, Sara' said Janet as she reached out to hug her friend

Sara resisted for a second, not wanting to abandon herself to this feeling of helplessness but Janet's arms around her felt good and she just let herself melt into her embrace, letting go of all pretense.

'It's so hard' she blubbered with her face against Janet's neck

'I know sweetie, I know' answered Janet holding on tight

They sat like that for a few seconds until Sara pulled away to look into Janet's eyes. She had the most beautiful brown eyes and despite the fact that she was obviously very sick, her strength and character shone through in those amazing eyes.

'Sara' she said, taking Sara's hands in hers 'Why are you sitting here alone? Where's Neal?'

Sara had the feeling that Janet already knew the answer to that question.

'I sent him away' she answered, meekly, like a child who was being reprimanded

'Why?'

'I can't stand him seeing me sick like this. And I especially don't want Hope to see me like this'

Janet took a deep breath. 'How do you think that makes Neal feel?'

'I don't know' answered Sara. But she did know because he had told her many times since this ordeal had begun.

'Really?'

Sara sighed.

'Sara, what does Neal love about you?' asked Janet

Sara frowned not understanding the question or at least not understanding its intent.

'What does Neal tell you he loves most about you?' she repeated

'My strength, my sense of humor, the way I am with Hope, my laugh...' Sara knew where this was going '… but he also loves my vitality, my body, my hair, the way I look'

'When you got married, did you promise to love Neal for better or for worse?'

Sara just looked at her. She hated when others were right.

'What would you do if Neal got really sick? Where would you want to be?'

'Janet, that's not the same…' she began

'Oh, no, how is that?'

'Because Neal is…'

'What, Neal can't take it? Neal doesn't understand? Neal's too sensitive? Neal loves you too much? Is that what you're telling me? I've heard them all before. Sara, the most important lesson I learned the first time I got my cancer diagnosis was that people want to help, they NEED to help and by trying to shelter them or face everything by myself, I was depriving them of that. I remember, five years ago when I had just started my treatments, the parents from my youngest daughter's soccer team got together and decided to make some meals for us. The parent who was organizing it e-mailed the other parents and I had inadvertently been left on the distribution list. She wrote about how she had seen me and how she felt so helpless and that she really needed to do this so she could be doing something – anything to help in some way'

Sara just looked at her with wide eyes and thought about all the offers of help she had gotten – and refused – since her diagnosis.

Janet continued 'You know cancer doesn't just affect the patient. It affects the whole family, hell the whole community. Why do you think there are all these fundraising activities? Sure, the money helps with research but it's about something else. It's about people doing something, anything to pull together and support their loved ones. Neal can't have this disease for you but I bet he wishes he could. Harold tells me that all the time… But don't shut him out. He loves you, with or without hair.'

'But I just feel so hideous' admitted Sara 'I don't want him to pity me'

Janet nodded 'Do you really think that Neal sees you as hideous or that he pities you? I would bet my bottom dollar that Neal sees the same woman he's always seen, the strong capable woman he fell in love with and he sees her suffering and it's killing him that he can't fix it'

'Are you guys still having sex?' Leave it to Janet to cut to the chase.

'Not for awhile, I don't feel very desirable right now' admitted Sara

'Do you think Neal wants to be with you in that way?'

'I've been kind of avoiding the whole thing and he's backed off'

'Do you not feel like having sex?' Janet was insisting and Sara was getting annoyed.

'Well, not right this minute...' Sara laughed 'Yeah, sometimes but I just don't think I'm much of a turn on and now, well….' she touched her hair and another few strands fell off her head

'You must have married some shallow jerk, then, huh?' asked Janet, obviously trying to provoke a response from Sara

'Point made' answered Sara

'Look, next week, when you come out of your fog, why don't we go wig shopping together? There are all kinds, you can get a special one just for sex… that's what I did. Whenever I put on my sexy, curly wig, Harold knew I was in the mood and I usually had to beat him off with a stick.'

Sara began to laugh and the laughter brought on her gag reflex 'Excuse me' she said as she got up suddenly to go to the bathroom. She returned a few seconds later and saw Janet standing by the couch, preparing to leave.

'Look, I think you need some rest but promise me you'll think about what I said' she said touching Sara's arm and walking to the door

'One last piece of unsolicited advice' she continued 'I know you don't want Hope to see you as weak but what she will remember from this is not that you were sick – she'll remember that you were strong, strong enough to fight and to weather a terrible ordeal and that you came through it. And later in life, she will recall how your strength was an inspiration to her. That's what she'll remember, I guarantee it'

'Hey' said Sara, wiping a tear 'How did you know I needed to hear all this?'

'Let's just say sometimes Harold is surprisingly lucid and he's a good listener. See you next week?'

'Yeah, next week' answered Sara, puzzled by Janet's response

After she left, Sara picked up her phone.

'Hi' said Neal when he answered 'You okay?'

'I could use some company if that's alright' said Sara

'I'll be right there' came the answer

By the middle of the following week, Sara had begun to feel human again. She had been making considerable efforts to open up to Neal but it hadn't been easy. Just like when she was pregnant with Hope, Neal had a tendency to hover and try to take care of everything and Sara's insecurities about the way she looked were gaining on her.

The hair was coming out in clumps and she knew she had to do something about it soon. She decided to take Janet up on her offer to go wig shopping and on Wednesday afternoon, they headed out together to a shop which specialized in wigs for cancer patients.

When they walked into the store, Janet greeted the owner with a warm hug and a smile. Sara looked around at the dozens if not hundreds of wigs in the store.

'Colleen, this is my friend Sara' said Janet as she introduced them

'Sara, welcome! How are you doing?' asked Colleen with a warm smile

'Ups and downs' admitted Sara 'This thing with my hair is really weighing on me though'

'Well, as you can see' she said, pointing to the large store 'We have wigs for every taste'

Sara was having trouble imagining what she would look like in a wig. Colleen took her around the store and began to give her some advice on what to look for.

'Most women want to go with a look that's similar to their usual hairstyle and hair color but some see hair loss as an opportunity to look totally different and have fun with different hairstyles. And some women do both...'

Colleen continued: 'Have you given any thought to being proactive and not waiting until you hardly have any hair left?' she asked

'You mean like, shave it off?' Sara asked, incredulous. Why someone would choose to shave their head when they still had hair was incomprehensible to her.

'Psychologically, it can sometimes be more difficult to see your hair continue to fall out and your self-esteem diminish. If and when you feel up to it, I can shave your hair and you could walk out of here with a brand new look.'

Sara looked over at her friend who was busy trying on a couple of looks.

'What do you think, Janet?' she asked

'That's entirely up to you, Sara.' Janet responded

'Let's do it' said Sara

TBC


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

It was a few days later and Sara had begun to get used to wearing her new wig. She had chosen a style that looked very much like her own hairstyle and when she went out in public, she would insist on wearing it.

She had also purchased some woolen caps to wear around the house. Lower body temperature was another side effect of her chemo and Sara found the little hats kept her warmer. They weren't the sexiest but they were comfortable and Hope had begun to get used to seeing her mom without hair.

On this Thursday night, Sara sat on the bed in Hope's room reading her daughter a bedtime story. Neal could hear them as he tidied up in the washroom following Hope's bath.

'I have a new book for us. Do you want to see?' Sara asked her daughter

'New book!' exclaimed Hope, craning her neck to get a better look

Sara opened the first page and Hope immediately pointed to the picture in front of her eyes.

'Mommy sick' she said, looking serious as she pointed to the picture

'That's right, the mommy is in bed and she's sick' said Sara

'Hope' said Hope pointing to the second page

'That's right, that's a little girl just like you and her mommy is sick'

Sara turned the page.

'Doctor?' asked Hope

'Yes, there's the doctor and he's helping the mommy get better just like Dr. Franklin is helping Mommy get better. Do you remember Dr. Franklin at the hospital?' she asked looking at the toddler

Hope nodded. Sara turned the page, once again.

'Baby kiss Mommy' said Hope, smiling

'Yes, the little girl is lying in bed with her mommy and she's giving her a kiss. She loves her mommy and she's sad because her mommy isn't feeling well' she answered

Hope reached over and kissed Sara and gave her a hug.

'Hope kiss Mommy' she said as she curled up under Sara's arm

Sara smiled down at her beautiful little girl.

'Look, the mommy's feeling better and now she can play with her little girl again' she said as they looked at the last few pages of the book.

Neal listened quietly from the other room. He was glad that Sara was opening up to Hope – as much as one could open up to a toddler. He thought that was a good sign. Showing Hope that hardships could be overcome was a valuable lesson that would serve her all throughout her life and Neal was thankful that Sara felt confident enough about the future to be open with their daughter.

He stepped into the bedroom: 'Is there room for one more in that bed?' he asked as he threw himself on the bed

'Daddy' squealed Hope as he tickled her and they began to roll around on the bed

Sara looked on, smiling. Being with Hope and Neal was indeed the best therapy imaginable.

WCWCWC

It was Saturday night, a few nights before Sara's fourth chemotherapy cycle. Neal had been running errands most of the day and was on his way to pick up Hope at the Burkes. Peter had insisted on having Hope visit for the day and he had taken her and Satchmo to the park.

Neal's phone vibrated indicating a text message. He smiled as he read it.

WCWCWC

Neal sat on the barstool and ordered a glass of Shiraz. The Star Lounge at the Ritz Carlton was quiet at this hour – after all, it was only seven o'clock. He could see a few businessmen sitting in one corner, laughing loudly, no doubt after a day of meetings in one of the adjacent rooms. A few couples were sitting having a quiet drink at tables.

A beautiful, leggy brunette walked into the lounge and took a seat two stools over from Neal. Their eyes met briefly and she smiled seductively at him as she checked him out. She was wearing a short, tight dress that showed off her slim body, stiletto heels that made her legs appear to go all the way up to her neck and green eyes that were piercing and sultry. Her hair was short, dark auburn with bouncy curls. She smiled at him as his look lingered on her legs and Neal smiled back.

'I'll have a Manhattan' she said to the bartender. She then turned to her left and smiled at Neal who was still studying her.

'Hi' she said, softly

'Hi' he said back, not breaking the eye contact

'Are you waiting for someone?' she asked

'Just having a quiet drink' Neal answered as he moved over to the next stool, the one just beside her

'Lousy weather we've been having isn't it?' she said 'I wish it would just make up its mind if it's going to rain or snow'

Neal nodded in agreement. 'I'm… Sam' he said with the slightest of hesitations

'Julia' she responded as she looked him over. Neal always knew how to make a great first impression with the ladies and he was obviously in fine form.

'Are you from out of town?' asked Julia, leaning into him, ever so slightly. She looked at his hands and he could tell she had noticed the wedding band on his left hand.

His eyes followed hers and he could see he was busted – it was better to come clean.

'No, just needed to get away from everything at home' he said, leaving her to fill in the blanks.

'Marital problems?'

'Just a bit of a rough patch' admitted Neal, playing the sympathy card

'What about you?' he asked, noticing she also had a ring on her left hand

'Just taking a bit of a break, shall we say' she volunteered

'I was just thinking I might go up to the Auden Bistro for a bite to eat. Would you care to join me?' asked Neal, flirting openly

'I hear they have amazing seafood up there. I am feeling hungry' she stopped to keep him guessing a moment or two 'Sure, that'd be nice. Just let me finish my drink.'

A half hour later, they were seated in the restaurant in a nice secluded corner and the waiter had just taken their drink order. Julia was a fan of red wine so she deferred to Neal who chose a nice Merlot.

'I recommend the sea bass, my wi- 'he stopped suddenly, peeking over the menu he was holding to look at Julia as she stared

'Your wife…' she said, smiling coyly

'Sorry, the last time I was here was last year with my wife. She loves seafood and we came here on our first date after our daughter was born' Neal admitted

'How old is your daughter?'

'She's going to be nineteen months next week' Neal smiled as he spoke and Julia could tell he was very fond of his little girl

'Must keep you busy?' said Julia, keeping the conversation going

The waiter brought the wine and served them each a glass as he proceeded to take their order.

'I'll have the sea bass' said Julia as she leered at Neal

'And I'll go with the linguine' said Neal, closing his menu and handing it to their waiter

'So, Sam, tell me about your little girl'

'Her name is Hope. She's incredible – she's talking up a storm right now and she's just entering the 'terrible twos'. She wants to do everything by herself, you know, and if we try to help her, she pushes us away. She's a lot like her mother' Neal couldn't help but smile when he talked about Hope.

'Tell me about her mom'

'Sara? Oh, she's amazing, the strongest woman I've ever met' said Neal, with a faraway look 'She's beautiful, smart, sexy…'

'Well, that does beg the question, doesn't it?' asked Julia, seemingly puzzled

'You mean, why am I sitting here with you? I don't feel like my wife needs me very much at the moment. She's very self-sufficient and it's actually one of the things I love best about her but it's also the thing that drives me nuts. She's going through a rough time right now and I'm not sure how I can let her know just how much I love her and want to be with her'

'What about you? Anyone special in your life?' asked Neal

'Yeah, there is. A great guy, smart, artistic, sensitive, wears his heart on his sleeve…' Julia got a faraway look in her eyes as she spoke

'And…' Neal left the question unasked

'Well, sometimes I worry too much about him being hurt and I push him away. I'm surprised he puts up with it, frankly'

'Sounds like we could both do with a little break from the routine' said Neal suggestively

They ate and talked about their careers – Julia was an interior designer and she traveled a lot for her job. She was staying at the hotel and as dinner began to wind down, one thing led to another...

'I've got a room here at the hotel' she said 'How about coming up for a nightcap'

Neal looked at her thoughtfully. She was gorgeous, her eyes shone as if they were hiding some deep secret and she moved with ease, confident and sexy.

'Here' she continued 'tell you what, here's my room key – it's room 1503'

He froze for an instant as she gave him the room number, thinking back to the summer before.

'Give me a few minutes and come on up...' she continued

Neal took the key from her and put it in his jacket pocket before taking a sip of his coffee. A bolt of electricity shot through him as he grazed her hand.

The elevator door opened on the 15th floor. Neal knew exactly where room 1503 was and he walked purposefully towards the door. He used the card key and walked into the hotel room; it was dark with some muted lighting coming from the bathroom. Julia was nowhere in sight. As the door closed, he felt her entering the room before he actually caught sight of her. She was even more beautiful than she'd been in the restaurant. She had changed into a very sexy negligee and she began to walk towards him as she opened her arms.

Neal let himself be enveloped in her embrace and he turned his head to place a kiss on her neck. His mouth moved to her ear and he whispered:

'This is as far as I'm going with this. I'm not saying another woman's name while I make love to my wife'

Sara laughed, that sexy, throaty laugh he loved so much.

'You have to admit that was a lot of fun' she said as she drew him in for a deep penetrating kiss

He responded in an instant, pulling her in and lifting her, bridal style as he carried her to the bed

'You are crazy' he said – and he meant it in the most affectionate way. 'What made you do all this?' he asked as he looked into her eyes

'I just realized I'd pushed you away long enough and I had to give up on my insecurities about the way I looked' said Sara, looking at him intently

'The way you look - you look amazing' said Neal and he began to kiss her neck and move down her body.

Things began to heat up and before long, Neal was pulling her on top of him, looking into her eyes, running his hands down her body, rediscovering this woman he had missed so much over the past few weeks. Sara's confidence had returned and she gave as good as she got as they began to roll around the bed enjoying each other.

As she began to moan under his touch, she finally realized what Janet had meant when she had talked about the power of the wig...

TBC

_Note: You might want to read 'Saturday Night at the Ritz' in order to get all the subtleties out of this chapter!_


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

On her fourth go-around, Sara walked into the chemo unit with slight apprehension. Some of the women had finished with their treatments and the chemistry between the group of six women was now being altered. Sara had insisted that Neal go into work and meet up with her after lunch. After all, this was now routine for her and she felt very much at home with the women.

Grace was done with her treatments and this was to be Clara's last day. Jill had one more and Sara herself, had two more to go after today. She was feeling exhausted. The first thing she noticed when she walked into the room was a young woman, about her age, chatting with one of the nurses. She was being given the lowdown on the treatments she would be receiving and Sara smiled at her as she caught her eye. There was a good looking man next to her whom Sara figured to be her husband or boyfriend.

Ashley, the young woman who always kept to herself, looked up and smiled shyly at Sara as she walked in.

'Hi Ashley!' said Sara, smiling back 'How are you today?'

Ashley just gave her a thumbs up. Sara had finally started to break through the young lady's shell. She had found out that she was an art student at NYC and that she had no family in the area. She kept to herself, but over the past few weeks, Sara had noticed that the young lady had begun to show more of an interest in the shenanigans of the group.

There where cancer treatments every day of the week in the gynecology ward but all the nurses knew that the 'Tuesday ladies' were the craziest and the nurses would even switch shifts amongst themselves to get a front row seat to the fun and games going on. The ladies would get carried away as the day wore on, getting a bit loopy from their medication. They would tell bawdy jokes and they even had a Scrabble tournament going on of which Jill was the undisputed champion. And, of course, you could always count on Janet to spice things up.

Sara noticed immediately that Janet wasn't in her usual place in the middle bed.

'Where's Janet?' she asked Joanne as she began setting her up with her Benadryl pump

'They cancelled her treatment today' she said 'There's a shortage of one of the drugs she needs and Janet...'

'What?' interrupted Sara 'You mean, she's on her way out so she doesn't get first dibs?'

She regretted the harshness in her voice almost immediately.

'Sorry' she said 'So what does that mean?'

'Look, Sara, I can't discuss another patient's situation with you, you know that' said Joanne, but the look in her eyes told Sara all she needed to know. Janet was not doing well at all.

WCWCWC

Neal strode into the White Collar unit as everyone greeted him warmly. He hadn't been in the office for several weeks. Between caring for Hope and being there for Sara, there wasn't much time for case work and he was missing the camaraderie of the office.

This day was meant to be more of a social call but as he made his way up to Peter's office, he got a text from Sara telling him about the situation with Janet.

He strode purposefully towards the stairs leading to Peter's office just as Jones caught up with him. He had a particularly strange look on his face and seemed nervous.

'Neal, hi, great to see you!' he shouted

'Hey, Jones, good to see you too' Neal was preoccupied with the news about Janet but he could tell Jones had something on his mind so he slowed down his pace.

'Haven't seen you in a long time' continued Jones 'although I could have sworn I saw you a week ago. I was out on a date at the Auden Bistro...' he slowed down to see if Neal would volunteer any information.

Neal knew where this was going and he thought he'd let Jones squirm a bit longer before coming clean.

'I could have sworn I saw you there with a beautiful brunette' he finally blurted out

Neal just arched his eyebrow, trying to look mischievous and debonair. 'You did' he said, simply.

'Oh' said Clinton unsure what else to say

Finally, Neal thought he had suffered enough. 'So, you liked Sara's new wig, then' he said

Jones just did a mental eye roll – well, it wasn't just mental – and started to laugh as Neal joined in.

'It's okay, Jones. Thanks for looking out for me but I can assure you my marriage is thriving' said Neal as he continued on his way to Peter's office

He knocked but didn't wait for a response before he barged in, interrupting Peter who was in deep conversation with Diana about some case.

'Neal, barge right in' he said sarcastically

'Sorry, guys. Hi Diana' said Neal unapologetically

'Peter, what's going on with the Mcdonald Pharmaceutical case?' he asked

'Not much. It's one of many cases we've got in the hopper and we still haven't come up with any proof that they're sitting on those drugs' answered Peter

'Put me in, then' said Neal

'What?'

'Send me in, undercover'

'What's going on Neal?' asked Peter

'What's going on is that there are people who need those drugs and aren't getting them – and now, it's personal. One of the women who has her chemo with Sara just got cut off and she needs that medication'

'What do you have in mind?' Peter finally asked

WCWCWC

The days following cycle four were the same as they had been for the first three cycles and Sara was lying in bed feeling horrible. This time, however, she was surrounded by Neal and Hope who helped her dad bring tea and toast to Sara who was still in bed.

Sara smiled weakly at her daughter trying to reassure her that she would be better in a couple of days and Hope ran off to play in her room for awhile. Neal sat in the armchair by their bed and watched as Sara drifted in and out of sleep. She still thought he could be doing things that were much more interesting but he insisted on sitting there and helping her when she needed to get up or move around and frankly she was thankful for the company.

By the following week, normalcy returned briefly and Sara began to be a little more active once again. She missed the hustle and bustle of her regular life and she was anxious to do 'normal' things. She'd been off work since her surgery back in July and it was coming up to Halloween.

Hope was excited – she had planned to go trick or treating for the first time and Neal had taken her shopping for a costume. Hope wasn't particularly a 'girlie' girl and she had chosen a doctor's costume which she paraded in the house with constantly. She would walk up to Sara and ask her to open her mouth, just like Dr. Jameson, her paediatrician, had done when she'd had her annual examination the week before. She also insisted on giving Sara some vaccinations as well as examining her ears and eyes.

A couple of days before Halloween, Neal came into the family room where Sara was reading and Hope played nearby and announced he was going to the grocery store to get the usual treats and a few odds and ends.

'Oh, let me go, Neal' said Sara 'I'm dying to get out of here for awhile'

'I don't think that's a good idea, Sara' Neal countered, always the doting husband 'You've got to stay out of crowds and you'll get tired'

'Tired? All I do is rest. Neal, I'll be fine' She couldn't believe she was begging for the opportunity to go grocery shopping – a job they both usually hated.

'We'll go together' he said, looking for the compromise

'Neal, look Hope is happy playing; by the time we get ourselves organized, it'll be time for her nap. I'll only be an hour, come on!'

Neal gave in and watched Sara drive away. He wouldn't have been more concerned If she had been leaving on a trip overseas and he held his breath as he watched her back the car out of the driveway. He returned to the family room where Hope was happy coloring and he sat down on the floor with her as he joined in.

The phone rang about an hour later.

'Neal, can you come and get me?' said Sara sounding exhausted 'I made it all the way to the cash and then I couldn't stand up any longer'

'I'll be right there. Just sit and wait' Neal said as he held in an 'I told you so' and hung up the phone

'C'mon Hope. We're going for a walk!' Hope looked up, curious. He put her in her stroller and walked the four blocks to the local grocery store noticing their car in the parking lot as he walked by. He found Sara sitting on a bench by the cash registers looking totally dejected and exhausted. He walked up to her, sat down and put his arm around her.

She began to cry softly, trying not to attract any attention.

'I can't even do a grocery order' she blubbered as he smiled, kindly

'Sara, you will again – and so much more. You're in the middle of cancer treatments – this is normal'

'Cancer teetment' repeated Hope, looking sympathetic

Sara began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. She was being silly and it took her grinning nineteen month old daughter to let her see that.

'Where's the grocery basket?' Neal asked

She pointed to where she had left it and Neal walked over to grab it and proceed to the cash register to pay for their purchases. Sara sat with Hope and waited patiently for Neal to return. Both the ladies were looking like they were ready for their naps so Neal packed up the groceries in the car and drove them all home.

WCWCWC

It had taken Peter a week to set up the sting. He had finally arranged for Neal to go undercover as a physical plant employee at Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals. The undercover job had to be timed to coincide with Sara's treatments and the week before her fifth round of chemo, he headed out to his new 'job' after dropping Hope off at the caregiver's home. He was hoping to get this all wrapped up before the following week when Sara would once again be incapacitated for a few days.

He arrived at the plant and began to familiarize himself with the layout. There were several buildings including the administration pavilion, the production building, the research labs and a large warehouse. As a physical plant employee, he was given access to all the areas and he spent the first morning roaming around the site in the hopes of discovering where the components for the production of the drugs might be located. The files he had been able to steal – um, borrow – from the CEO's office indicated that there was a stash somewhere on site and he began by visiting each building in the hopes of eliminating certain areas of the office complex.

The administration offices were an unlikely location but he took a cursory look around. As he walked up the hallway, he spotted Megan, the lovely assistant from Mr. Dwyer's office, coming towards him. She could make him so he quickly ducked into a nearby office to avoid her. He would have difficulty explaining to her that he was Tony Albright from physical plant instead of Jeffrey Hines, the IT guy he had masqueraded as the last time he was there.

There were three floors in the administration building and after casing the place, Neal realized there was nowhere suitable to stash any significant number of boxes of drugs. The rest of the day was spent checking out the research labs as Neal walked around pretending to examine the electrical system throughout the building. Once again, there was limited space in that building where things could be hidden.

He wanted to find the proof they needed and fast. He thought of Janet and others like her who counted on their meds to have a fighting chance.

Luckily, tomorrow was another day...

TBC


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

Neal arrived home at 5:30 to find both Sara and Hope in the kitchen preparing dinner. This was Sara's 'good' week during her three week cycle and on those rare days, she enjoyed being more involved in what she called the 'real' world. Although the nausea and aches and pains were gone for the time being, the fatigue lingered and that annoyed her as she continued to struggle with day to day tasks.

'I'm home!' Neal called from the front door

He walked in and Sara did a double take – seeing Neal in a green physical plant uniform was not a common sight. She smiled approvingly as she took in the sight of him and he just shrugged his shoulders giving her that adorable look of innocence he could still pull off with ease.

'Hey, undercover is undercover, you know' he said walking up to give both his women pecks on the cheek

'Daddy!' shrieked Hope from her place at the table. Sara had her helping with dinner by adding cut vegetables to the salad

'Look at you helping Mommy. You're such a big girl' said Neal as he grabbed a piece of cucumber from the bowl

Hope looked up and grinned, proud to be helping.

'Why don't you get off your feet and let me finish with that' he said to Sara as he came up behind her and put both hands on her hips. He could tell she was running out of steam just by the way her shoulders drooped ever so slightly.

'My hero!' she said as she moved to the family room and let herself drop on the couch. 'So, any luck at the pharmaceutical plant?'

'Not yet' said Neal as he turned down the water for the pasta to a slow boil 'But I've eliminated a couple of possibilities. If they are hiding the stuff there, it's not in the administration building or the research labs. I'm going to snoop in the warehouse tomorrow – that's the most obvious place anyway'

'I know this is redundant, but Neal... you are being careful, right?' Sara never stopped worrying about Neal; he had certainly evolved since his earlier days but a leopard couldn't change its spots and he was still that impulsive and brash guy she'd met years ago - especially if someone he cared about was in need of any help.

He walked over and sat on the arm of the couch 'Yes, Mrs. Caffrey, I am being _very_ careful.' He swept in for a nice lingering kiss, forgetting for an instant that Hope was watching with interest.

'Daddy kiss Mommy' she said as she took in the scene.

'Yes' said Neal 'Daddy loves Mommy very much and he likes to kiss her' He winked at Sara with a promise of more to come.

'I talked to Janet today' said Sara 'She doesn't sound good, Neal. She sounded defeated although she always puts a good spin on things. She said she was relieved to get a break from the chemo but I don't buy it'

Sara piped up, looking like she'd just had a great idea 'Hey, why don't we host a party for the chemo gang?' she said, excitedly 'Clara and Grace are done with their treatments and Jill will be done on Tuesday. Three more weeks and that'll be me!'

'Great idea!' said Neal 'How about the second Saturday after your last treatment – give you some time to start feeling better. It'll be mid-December by then, make it a Christmas theme'

'rismas?' said Hope in the way she had of saying a new word she didn't know. She would be turning two soon and this would be the first year she would actually get into Christmas.

'Oh, you're gonna _**love**_ Christmas!' said Neal walking towards her and ruffling her hair. She just looked up at him, obviously unsure of what this Christmas thing was all about.

'We'll get a Christmas tree and decorate the house and Daddy's going to put colored lights on outside the house' said Neal, his eyes bright with excitement. It was their first Christmas in their new home and Neal had been looking forward to doing it up big.

'Lights?' repeated Hope not sure what that was all about.

'And Santa will come and visit and bring you a special present'

_There's _a word Hope knew and she sat up, suddenly interested 'Present' she repeated.

'Yes' Neal said with emphasis as he looked her in the eye, smiling knowingly.

Sara listened intently and it hit her once again as it had so many times before. Who was this guy? How had Neal morphed from being the debonair, ne'er do well conman she had met in a courtroom so many years ago to this loving, caring husband and father. Obviously, he had always been a good, considerate man but he was on the road to a very unfulfilling and difficult life and he might have spent most of his life in and out of jail if he hadn't met Peter, Elizabeth and all those people they now called their extended family. She thanked God that he had pursued her, that he had not given up on them and that they had arrived at this point in their lives.

Neal glanced over at her, seeing _that_ look in her eyes and just smiled his mega-watt smile.

It was bedtime and Neal was brushing his teeth, looking in the mirror and thinking back on his day at the pharmaceutical plant. He hoped he'd get some inspiration to crack the case. He could hear Sara moving around in the bedroom next to their ensuite and he looked over seeing her sprawled on the bed in her curly wig.

'Well, hello there Juuulia' he said, leering at her as he walked toward the bed.

Sara opened her arms and just smiled.

The following day was Tuesday and Neal returned to his 'job' at Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals. The physical plant crew had been assigned to paint some of the offices in the administration building and Neal was having a little more difficulty getting away from the watchful eye of his supervisor.

A t one point during the morning, he came face to face with Megan, the cute assistant from Mr. Dwyer's office.

'Jeff?' she asked as she came up to him, unsure

'Sorry?' said Neal, feigning ignorance

'Aren't you Jeff from IT?' she said as she examined him closely. She could never forget those deep blue eyes.

'No, sorry, it's Tony' said Neal praying he could pull this off

'But you look just like him – we met in my office...' she continued, flirting

Neal gave her his best innocent look and shoulder shrug and pointed to his wedding band, letting her know that he wasn't interested.

The young woman walked away, puzzled and Neal hoped she would somehow let it go. It was becoming dangerous to hang around more than necessary and he resolved to get this case wrapped up as soon as possible.

Noon rolled around and the crew stopped for lunch. Neal slipped out and made his way to the warehouse which was located at the far end of the complex. It was a small warehouse – as warehouses go – perhaps 3,000 square feet. There was a main door in plain view so Neal walked around to the back where he found a second locked door which was more appropriate for his purposes. He made quick work of the lock and made his way in. It was a square room with a dozen or so rows of shelving loaded up with medical equipment. Two of the rows were filled with boxes, stacked almost to the ceiling.

He could hear a couple of muted voices in the distance and as he peeked around a corner, he saw that there was a small office at the front of the building. It was enclosed in glass and he could see two men chatting and laughing as they ate. He gingerly stepped back and as he did, he accidentally bumped one of the shelves and several packages of syringes fell to the ground making a soft noise. He heard the door to the little office open and he hastily retreated around the corner noticing a ladder along the side of the shelf at the end of the row. He quickly climbed up to the top shelf and lay on top of some of the boxes, praying that he hadn't been spotted.

'I'm telling you Charlie, I heard a noise' said one of the men

'You're always imagining things' said Charlie as he walked up to where Neal had knocked over the medical supplies 'See, it's just these syringes that fell off the shelf'

'Well, syringes don't fall off shelves by themselves' said the first man looking around

Neal lay very still hoping they would soon return to their little office, out of sight. He was in a very uncomfortable position and he could feel the corner of one of the boxes digging into his hip. He looked around, noticing some of the boxes were taped while others appeared to have been opened and resealed.

Finally, satisfied that there was no one there, the men started to walk away as they spoke.

'Mr. Dwyer is anal about people coming in here' said the first man 'We've got a job to do, you know' he said to his co-worker

'Well, he's paying us enough' said Charlie 'Whatever he's got in here, he doesn't want anybody to find'

'It's not our job to know that, just to make sure no one snoops around'

As they walked away, Neal got a quick glance at them – one of the men was tall, over six feet and the second one shorter with a stocky build; he noticed both men were armed. This only heightened his suspicions; why would a pharmaceutical company need armed guards to keep an eye on its merchandise?

'I'm telling you Peter, the stuff's gotta be in that warehouse.' Neal was gesticulating excitedly. 'Both those guys were armed and they weren't your typical plant workers'

'That's it. I'm pulling you out' said Peter as they sat in his office

Neal had come over straight after his shift to inform Peter of the new developments. He knew he was close to a breakthrough and he wasn't about to give up now.

'No, you can't do that. I'm so close and I've got an in' said Neal, pleading

'Neal, I can't put you in that kind of danger. You're not a CI anymore...'

'Peter, I'm a special consultant and you need my skills to pull this off. Give me another day or two and if I'm not successful, we'll try to come up with another strategy'

Peter looked at Neal intently – he was still so good at the art of persuasion.

'Oh, I don't know Neal' he said, just as anxious as Neal was to get these guys. 'You're killing me here... Alright, I'll give you until the end of the week but please, please don't take any unnecessary risks'

At first, Neal thought he could return after business hours to get a better look but he quickly realized that the armed guards were on 24/7. As he prepared to leave at five o'clock on Wednesday, he saw two new men arriving, relieving Charlie and his partner and he deduced that the warehouse was never left unattended.

He would have to be creative if he wanted to get a look at what was in those boxes.

TBC


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

'Moz, can you get me a truck?' Neal asked as they finished up dinner

'What kind of truck?' asked Mozzie, sipping his wine

'I want to move some of those boxes out of the warehouse where we can have a look at what's inside' said Neal. He was showing Mozzie a layout of the warehouse as he spoke.

'So, how are you going to get them to release the boxes – and how do you know which ones to look into?'

'I'm going to concentrate on the boxes that were tampered with - and don't worry about the paperwork, I'll take care of it' said Neal

'Sure, what do you need on the truck?' asked Mozzie. He loved running cons with Neal. It didn't happen nearly often enough these days and more often than not it was in aid of the Suit... but a con was still a con and it always got Mozzie's blood pumping.

'Just some transport company's name and make sure you get a uniform. I'll take care of getting the paperwork to the warehouse office' answered Neal

Sara looked on as she continued to load the dishwasher with the dishes from dinner.

'I don't want to know this, right?' she said, knowing full well the answer.

Whenever Neal got that determined look in his eyes, all that was left was for her to hope that he would take the necessary precautions not to get caught. Neal just looked up innocently and didn't answer but she knew that this case had gotten personal for him and that he hated to sit by while Janet and others were deprived of drugs that could make a difference for them. And that, she decided, was all she needed to know.

WCWCWC

Neal made his way into the administration offices as employees slowly began to arrive for work. He knew where all the forms were kept; as a physical plant employee, he had access to all types of internal forms. He made quick work of finding the appropriate document and began filling it out, asking for the release of a number of boxes in the warehouse to be shipped to another facility owned by Mcdonald Pharmaceuticals.

He completed the form, forged the signature with a flourish and made his way over to the warehouse just as he saw a truck pull up with Mozzie at the wheel.

'Hey guys' said Neal as he walked into the warehouse. He recognized the two guards – Charlie and his sidekick

The man whose name Neal didn't know (the taller of the two) spoke up 'I don't remember ever seeing you around' he said

'I only started this week. Mr. Dwyer's office sent me over with this form – he wants to have some of the supplies moved and a truck is coming to collect them'

'It's okay, Joe, I can help with that' said the man Neal knew as Charlie

As he spoke, Mozzie walked in, dressed in a non-descript uniform with a name tag that read 'Theodore'.

'I'm here to pick up some boxes for transport' he said handing over a document that he and Neal had doctored over dessert and coffee the night before.

Joe eyed him suspiciously as he read over the form.

'What is it exactly you're supposed to take?' he asked

'Mr. Dwyer's office explained which of the boxes had to go; I can show you' said Neal

'I don't like this' he said grabbing the phone, ostensibly to call the administration office

'Look, I was just over there and Mr. Dwyer's assistant isn't in yet but if you ask me, Mr. Dwyer looked pretty pissed. I wouldn't bother him if I were you but it's up to you; I'm staying out of it...' said Neal, convincingly

Joe hesitated for a moment then he put down the phone 'Alright, Charlie, go give him a hand. We don't need any grief from the boss this morning'

Charlie and Neal made their way to the back of the warehouse followed by Mozzie who was pushing a moving cart. Neal concentrated on the boxes that appeared to have been re-sealed. He had a feeling that they didn't contain what the label claimed they did and he hoped that some of the drug components were hidden there.

Within twenty minutes, Mozzie was driving away with a dozen or so boxes as Neal snuck away to call Peter. They re-convened in the evidence room of the White Collar unit about half an hour later. Peter and Jones joined Neal and Mozzie as they arrived with the boxes and began to unpack. It became apparent that the drugs that were concealed in those boxes were not those identified by the labels.

'Bingo' yelled Neal pulling out a small container of a drug called benzolate from the bottom of one of the shipping boxes. It was one of the three components that Mcdonald claimed were not available in the making of Crobaplatin, one of the ovarian cancer drugs that Sara and others like Janet were being administered.

'Alright, Jones' said Peter, triumphantly 'let's get a search warrant for that warehouse'

WCWCWC

Tuesday came around once more and Sara prepared for her second to last trip to the chemo ward. Neal would be joining her after lunch; he was wrapping up the Mcdonald case with Peter and the crew.

Jill was the last of the original six ladies who remained; everyone else was done with their treatments now - Sara would be the very last one.

On her last trip, she had chatted briefly with the pretty young woman she had met several weeks before. Her name was Amelia and she was in her late twenties, engaged to be married to the attractive man who had accompanied her the first time Sara had seen her at the hospital. Amelia had been understandably nervous and anxious on her first day and she had reminded Sara of herself – young, with her whole life ahead of her, cheated by destiny.

Sara walked in and said a friendly hello to the three other women who were in the room; she didn't know any of them by name yet but she felt that, as the veteran, it was her responsibility to show everybody the ropes. She spotted Amelia sitting in one of the chairs by the window. She could tell the young woman was upset so she took the seat next to her.

'Amelia, what's wrong?' she asked

'It's Aaron, he's left me' Amelia responded as she wiped a tear

'He's left you?' Sara asked, incredulous. How does the man you're about to marry bail on you just because things get a little rough, she wondered.

'He says this isn't what he signed up for' Amelia added, sniffling

'I'm so sorry. Are you here alone today?' Sara said, taking her hand

'My mom's flying in from Chicago but she doesn't get here until tomorrow;' she responded, wimpering 'she's going to stay with me until my treatments are done'

'I can sit with you today if you like – we can do this together, okay?' said Sara, looking into the young woman's eyes.

Amelia smiled through her tears and nodded.

Jill arrived; she was always the last to appear as she was scheduled to start her treatment at ten o'clock. She was looking pretty happy and she strolled over to join Sara who was still sitting with Amelia.

'Hi ladies' she said smiling. It was her very last treatment and she was excited to get it over with. 'I felt like celebrating; I brought cake for everyone' she added

'I'm so happy for you, Jill' said Sara, hugging her friend 'And, I can't wait for it to be my turn' she added.

Sara had developed a friendship with all the women throughout her ordeal but Jill had been special. She had come alone to all her treatments and with time, she had confided to Sara that her husband had been distant since her diagnosis and that he couldn't deal with coming to the hospital. Sara had spent many hours chatting with Jill, listening to this terrific woman share details of her life. Jill was a pre-school teacher and was looking forward to going back to work after the Christmas break. Her children were older; only one of her teenagers remained at home – and she had pretty well faced this whole thing alone. She knew that Jill would be a good support for Amelia and she marvelled at how all the women pulled together to help each other though the rough times. Sure, most of them had support systems at home; she most of all, knew that Neal was with her 100% - but there was nothing like confiding in someone who was going through the same thing you were experiencing.

Neal showed up around noon and immediately spotted his wife by the window. He had only briefly met the woman Sara was sitting with and he walked up quietly not wanting to interrupt what looked like a serious discussion.

'Hi' he said, smiling at Sara and bending over to kiss her. 'Sorry I'm so late – just wrapping up the case...'

'That's okay, I didn't realize it was lunchtime already' said Sara 'Neal, do you remember Amelia from the last time?' she asked 'This is my husband, Neal'

'Hi' said Neal, putting out a hand to greet her. 'You ladies must be starving. How about I go down and get you something to eat?'

Sara nodded and smiled approvingly at Neal; she was overcome by his concern, how he had never wavered once in his support of her and she realized how lucky she was to have such a person in her life.

After the initial few days following treatment, Sara began to get excited. Christmas was coming and she just needed to hang on for one more cycle and she could leave all this behind her for good. Snow had come and stayed and with the overwhelming publicity around the holiday season, Hope had begun to understand that there was something magical about this time of year and this jolly old man with the beard that everyone called Santa.

Sara spent time online making purchases for those she loved and sent Neal on errands that she didn't feel up to making herself.

She hadn't seen Janet for a few weeks but had been in constant touch with her by phone and she knew that despite the fact that the shortage of drugs had ended, Janet had decided not to finish her round of chemo treatments. Sara feared that this did not bode well for Janet and on the last week before her final treatment, she suggested to Neal that they have Janet and Harold over for dinner.

Neal had been busy most of the day preparing a pork loin with cranberries, a homemade mushroom soup and a huge chocolate cake while Sara had begun to slowly decorate for the Christmas season.

The table was set in the dining room – where they didn't eat very often – and their best dishes and linen were set for their special visitors. Janet and Harold arrived at five, as arranged, and the moment she stepped into the house, Sara could see how much her friend had changed. She had lost weight since the last she had seen her and although she still had that twinkle in her eye, something had died in her as evidenced by her lack of energy and vigor. They sat and had a drink and Janet told a couple of jokes, keeping up the pretense, but as the evening wore on, the mood got a little more serious.

'Why don't you ladies go sit with Hope in the living room and let Harold and I clean up' suggested Neal as the last of the cake disappeared off everyone's plates.

'Great idea, Neal' said Harold as he stood and grabbed his plate as well as his wife's

They worked together in silence for a while when Neal spoke up:

'How are coping with all of this?' he asked Harold as he placed one of the pots in the drying rack

'What can I say' answered Harold 'It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. We both know the end is coming and part of me wants to hold on while the other part wants to let her go in peace without any undue suffering'

Neal marvelled at how coherent and clear-minded Harold was and he looked at the man with concern and empathy. He had no idea what to say to that. He tried to imagine knowing that Sara was dying and wondered how one got to a peaceful place when that was happening.

'Janet and I have no regrets' continued Harold 'That helps a lot. We've done everything we've wanted. The kids are raised, we now have our little grandson and sure... we would like more of the same, but that's not for us to decide and we're both at peace. I just want the last little while to be peaceful and happy for Janet, that's all...' His voice trailed off as emotion overcame him.

'I'm so sorry' was all Neal could say 'You've both touched our lives in an incredible way. You remember that night we talked at the support group?'

Harold just nodded.

'I always suspected you talked to Janet about that and that she had something to do with Sara opening up to me... and I will always be grateful for that.'

The men looked over into the living room where the women were sitting, holding hands and talking softly as little Hope looked on approvingly.

TBC


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

The first week of December was upon them.

Sara thought back over the past six months – how their lives had taken this turn, this bump in the road, and she was amazed at how both she and Neal had managed to survive – no, not just survive but thrive through it all. She thought about the old saying 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' and she reflected on the truth of this maxim. She did feel stronger in so many ways. Her relationship with Neal had been sorely tested and although he had committed to spending his life with her through good times and bad, he had managed to show her just how deep that commitment was. Hope's presence had kept her from becoming maudlin on so many occasions, especially now that Christmas was coming and that the wonderment of the season could be seen in her daughter's eyes.

On the Saturday morning before her last treatment, she lay in bed with Neal as they planned their weekend. Neal had taken some well deserved time off from the Bureau and from the contract work he did with insurance companies. He was still spending time in his studio, adding to his collection of original art but he was devoting most of his time to keeping Sara comfortable through the last of her treatments while preparing for a magical first Christmas in their new home.

Hope came running into their bedroom and Neal and Sara exchanged looks, thankful she hadn't run in five minutes earlier – they were going to have to start closing their bedroom door, they thought.

'Santa, Santa' screamed Hope as she jumped in between the two of them.

'Yes, yes' said Neal 'It's today, the parade with Santa is today. But you have to have your breakfast first; and then you and me and Mommy are going to buy our Christmas tree!' he announced triumphantly

'Christmas tree' she shrieked. Hope had been spotting trees all over town and Neal had recently put lights in the big fir tree outside their front door. She couldn't wait to have their very own tree in the living room and they had debated, ad nauseum, the best place to set it up.

'And tonight' added Sara, as she paused for drama 'Uncle Peter and Auntie Elizabeth are coming for dinner and they're going to help us decorate our tree'

Hope just jumped up and down on the bed as her parents delighted in their daughter's joy.

After a hearty breakfast of sausages, eggs and French toast, they bundled up and headed out on their Saturday adventure. Sara was hoping her energy would hold up for the day's activities and Neal, anticipating that she might 'run out of gas' at some point, had packed the large sled in the back of the van. That way, he could pull both Sara and Hope if need be.

They headed to the Christmas parade and watched as float after float made its way up the streets of White Plains. Sara and Neal huddled together and they watched the wonderment in Hope's eyes as Santa's float came into view. The toddler was in sheer amazement and she clapped and jumped up and down as her parents looked on blissfully.

They headed to a nearby restaurant for hot chocolate before moving on to the Christmas tree lot.

'How are you doing, Mom?' asked Neal with just a hint of concern in his voice. He was used to having to readjust plans as Sara's energy fluctuated.

'I am doing _great_' she said smiling at him. She was drawing energy from watching Hope's excitement and enthusiasm and she wanted to be able to bottle up this moment so she could look back and reflect on the near perfect mood of the day.

Hope sat sipping her hot chocolate as she stirred it with a candy cane that Santa's helpers had distributed during the parade. She looked out the window as shoppers strolled busily down the street carrying packages, some pulling trees on sleighs and she appeared to be mesmerized by it all.

Sara and Neal looked on, smiling. Last year at this time, Hope had been nine months old and totally unaware of the meaning behind Christmas – they were having so much fun now that she was more aware of the magic of the season.

Choosing a tree turned out to be quite a feat. Who knew that Sara was partial to Scotch Pines while Neal was adamant that a Blue Spruce was the way to go. They finally settled on a Douglas Fir that Hope thought was the prettiest. Sara's energy was good but by the time they returned home in late afternoon, both Sara and Hope had to be put to bed while Dad set up the tree in the living room awaiting everyone's arrival to decorate it.

They had invited the Burkes over for dinner and tree decorating and Peter and Elizabeth had brought Satchmo along, to Hope's delight. She shrieked as she sat at the window in the living room and watched them get out of the car.

'Hey, everybody' Peter called from the front door as Satchmo snuck in from behind him straight to Hope, his tail wagging madly. The dog loved the child but after a few minutes, he was always looking for a quiet place to rest; she just wore him out.

'Satch' Hope yelled as she ran to him.

'Hi!' Neal said, walking to the door and taking a box from Peter's arms. Elizabeth appeared right behind him, carrying a container of homemade eggnog and some more Christmas decorations.

Sara came into sight at the top of the stairs. Neal looked up in amazement at how incredible she looked. Despite everything she was going through, she had changed into a casual two piece outfit that accentuated her curves and she was wearing her short brown wig – which she usually reserved just for Neal.

'I love it!' exclaimed Elizabeth as she walked up to hug her friend. 'Is that the –'

'Shh' said Sara as Neal looked on. So, he thought, that wig – and its powers – wasn't such a secret after all!

They dined on tourtière – a French Canadian delicacy – that Neal had made from a recipe he found on the Internet and he served them a scrumptious crème caramel for dessert. They drank wine and laughed as Hope played with the ornaments nearby, making a pile of her favorites for putting on the tree later on. Neal couldn't keep his eyes off his wife; he was always attracted to her no matter what but he associated that wig with the bedroom and whenever she wore it, it did things to him. He tried to focus on the conversation but found himself drawn to her constantly – he hoped his ogling wasn't too obvious to their guests.

Sara and Elizabeth tidied up in the kitchen while the men began to unpack the tree decorations the Caffreys had bought and those brought over by the Burkes.

The evening was spent decorating the tree, to Hope's delight. As with any tree in a home with a toddler, the bottom of the tree was full to overflowing with ornaments while the top lay bare and the adults attempted to balance the look by adding the decorations the Burkes had brought over.

'You know' said Elizabeth 'after almost fifteen years of marriage, we have way too much stuff. We though you guys might enjoy some of these ornaments. I remember the first few years, buying lots of stuff that was pretty but had no history. I love ornaments that are passed down from one person to another, they have meaning'

Sara nodded in agreement as she smiled at her husband seductively, staring just a little longer than she might normally. Neal came up behind her and kissed her neck.

'I know what you're doing' he whispered

Sara looked at him innocently 'I have no idea what you're talking about' she whispered back

'You wait, Sara Ellis-Caffrey... just you wait' he said, trying to sound threatening but not managing it in the least

She just looked at him, demurely, as she hung an ornament near the top of the tree.

The evening ended with Hope asleep on the couch next to Satchmo while the adults sipped eggnog by the fireplace. Neal and Sara were huddled together on the couch and Neal gave frequent longing looks to his wife while Peter and Elizabeth curled up on the love seat admiring their handiwork.

Hope had refused to go to bed, begging her parents to let her look at the lights and they had relented, letting her fall asleep in front of the tree. By ten o'clock, Neal carried her up to bed and returned to find Peter and Elizabeth getting ready to take the road back to Brooklyn.

'Thanks, you guys – for everything' Sara was saying as she handed them their coats. Everyone exchanged hugs and the Burkes took their leave.

'You _know_ that thing is like Viagra for me!' Neal said as he came up behind Sara, snaking his arms around her waist and kissing her neck. They were standing in the open doorway and the Burkes' car hadn't even left the driveway.

'Control yourself!' said Sara, half seriously as Neal's hand snuck around to make its way under her top and up to her breasts. She waved to the Burkes as they started down the street and turned to face her husband.

'Neal, Neal!' she said trying to get his attention by holding his face in her hands but his eyes – and mouth – were elsewhere beginning a slow exploration of all of his wife's body parts.

His breathing began to quicken 'I could hardly keep my hands off you all night' he said breathlessly

Sara just smiled – it _was_ wonderful to have this effect on the man she loved. Neal began manoeuvring her towards the living room, touching and groping all the way.

'You want to do this, here?' said Sara, trying to get a look at his dark, brooding eyes

'Mmmmmm' said Neal, as he began to eagerly pull at her clothes. He got down on his knees and drew her down to the floor with him, right in front of the tree with its glowing lights the only lighting in the room. She gave in without much of a fight; kissing him deeply and helping him get out of his shirt as he squirmed to help.

'I love you so much, Sara' he moaned as he continued to make his way down her body, hungrily kissing and nipping as he went along '...and you are so beautiful' he added softly as he finally shed the last of his clothing – and hers.

Neal was being very intense and impatient; having had to hold himself back for several hours and Sara luxuriated in the adulation of her husband who could simply not get enough of her.

They began the slow dance that inevitably ended in their bodies fused to one another, enjoying the warmth of the nearby fire and the glow of the Christmas lights. They held on tight as the intensity increased, enjoying the feel of skin on skin.

After all these months of pain and disease, she marvelled at their ability to find that place, that very special place that was just for them.

TBC


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Sara sat at the kitchen table and poured some milk into Hope's bowl of Cheerios. Hope just looked at her, still half-asleep, and picked up her spoon. Sara glanced up at the calendar that was posted on the refrigerator and stared at the December date that was circled emphatically in red – in most households, that might have been the date for a Christmas party or the last date to order something for it to arrive on time for the 25th but in this home, it was the long awaited date of Sara's last chemotherapy treatment.

Neal walked in, intruding on her thoughts

'Hey' he said as he bustled in 'Did you make any coffee?'

Sara pointed lazily to the coffee maker on the kitchen counter.

'Great, thanks' he said as he walked over to grab a mug.

Sara looked up at him and took a sip from her own cup 'I can't believe it' she said 'When I circled that date on the calendar, it felt like it would never come'

Neal nodded 'I know, you've made it!'

'Well, not quite' she said 'Let me make it to next Sunday before declaring victory.' She thought ahead at what the next few days would be like – it didn't take a crystal ball...

Neal smiled sympathetically and took her hand. 'I always knew you were strong, Sara, but the last few months have been a true test of character and you've come through with flying colors. I'm very proud of you'

She turned away, embarrassed and looked at their daughter who was unusually quiet 'You ready to go play with Jacob?' she asked, referring to their caregiver's son whom Hope loved spending time with.

'Ashley?' she asked

'Yep, you get to play at Ashley's today and Mommy's going to the hospital one last time' said Sara, touching her daughter's curls and looking into her deep blue eyes. Sometimes, looking into those eyes was like looking into her husband's; they were one and the same.

'Hope come hospital' said the toddler as she put her arms out to be helped away from the table.

'Sorry, sweet pea' said Neal as he placed her down on the floor 'It's not a good place for little girls'

Upon arrival, Sara was greeted by the nursing staff who began to clap as she entered the treatment room. This was a ritual reserved for the patients who had made it through the treatment ordeal and would be leaving them. Neal clapped enthusiastically, joining the staff and patients. Sara smiled thinking about all the times she had clapped for other women all the while wishing it was her turn. She knew they were all thinking the same thing.

The group was totally different now from the first time she had set foot in this room. Janet, Clara, Jill, Grace and even Ashley had all finished their treatments and she was now the 'expert', the one others turned to for advice and support about tricks to deal with the vomiting, aches and pains, hair loss and the other peripheral consequences of this brutal attack on their bodies.

She settled in a chair this time – since about her third treatment, she had preferred to sit up rather than be lying down while she received her drug treatment. She felt more connected to the world that way; except for the ten or so minutes where she couldn't fight sleep during the Benadryl drip, she was usually wide awake and preferred reading or chatting to sleeping.

Neal sat in the chair next to hers and she looked over as he took out the New York Times and began to read the headlines. When had such an unusual, abnormal environment become so ordinary for them, she wondered. Yes, this whole adventure had been painfully difficult on so many levels – physically, it had been brutal, emotionally it had been scary and unsettling and add to that the impact on her relationships and it was an experience that had shaken her to the core. But, she was getting through it, stronger both in her soul and in her relationship with Neal, and it had been an unexpected way to meet the many extraordinary women she had encountered on this journey.

'So? Ready to go?' asked Joanne, one last time as she hooked her up

'Ready to go' repeated Sara as she put out her arm

The next few days were identical to what they had been the five previous times, down to the hour. On Thursday, Hope spent the day at the Burkes. She didn't understand why Sara could barely move without being in agony and her parents preferred dealing with the side effects on their own. Sara had now let Neal into her world and he would lay most of the day next to her, helping her to the bathroom as needed and holding her ever so gently to comfort her without adding to the pain.

Friday (throw-up day) had a bit of a festive feel, this time. Sara wanted her family nearby and Mozzie, who often came over on throw-up Fridays, brought along his special water concoction. Sara sat with him in the living room, chatting, sometimes dozing off on his shoulder and making her regular trips to the bathroom. Neal and Hope were up in the studio, painting and every now and then, Sara would hear one or the other laugh or giggle and it brought comfort and a smile to her parched lips.

By the following week, Sara was in total 'party mode'. Knowing that the worse was behind her, she began to feel energized and alive and she had Neal jumping through hoops getting the Christmas party ready. She had invited all of the original six women from chemo and even the new ladies she had met more recently and she had invited their friends, Peter, Elizabeth, June, Mozzie, Diana and Christie and Jones. She wanted this to be a celebration of life over hardship and she wanted to share that message with all those she cared about.

The day of the party, Neal was busy in the kitchen finishing up some shrimp hors d'oeuvres when he heard the front door open.

'Is that you, Repo?' he called out from the back of the house

'Got the wine!' she responded as she made her way into the kitchen carrying a large box

'Hey, let me get that!' said Neal rushing to grab the box from her 'What are you doing pushing yourself like that, you want to be awake for the party, don't you' he reprimanded her

She rolled her eyes. Truth was, she felt fantastic but she also knew that she could crash at a moment's notice so she gave in and sat at the table, sticking her finger into the salmon dip that was sitting there.

'Hey, hands off!' said Neal with mock annoyance

'There's another one of those boxes in the car' said Sara as she began to look at all the concoctions Neal had prepared

'Caffrey, you've really outdone yourself here. It's not a meal – just appetizers and cocktails'

'I know' he answered, shrugging 'but this is a big deal and I want to do it up right' He headed out of the kitchen towards the front door to get the box from the car as he called back 'and stay out of the food!'

Hope came running in from the nearby family room. She had just noticed her mom's return and she squealed 'Mommy, mommy'. It was going on two o'clock and Hope hadn't had a nap yet; if they were going to let her stay up a bit later and enjoy the party, she needed to lie down for awhile.

'Come on, angel, let's put you down for a little nap' said Sara as she took her hand. She crossed paths with Neal returning with the wine and he nodded approvingly as he saw Hope rubbing her eyes.

'I'll be right back' said Sara as she headed up the stairs

Neal returned to the business of head chef and as he began to prepare his world famous mini-quiches, he called out to his wife: 'Sara! Did you get the asparagus I asked for?' Silence.

He made his was upstairs quietly, suspicious of what he might find there, and sure enough as he rounded the corner to their bedroom he saw Hope curled up in Sara's arms as they both snoozed contentedly. Shaking off the initial urge to join them, he returned to the task at hand; Sara deserved a magnificent evening and he was going to make sure everything was perfect.

Sara was putting the finishing touches on Hope's hair as the toddler contemplated herself in the mirror.

'Pretty' she said, admiring the dress that Sara had bought her for the occasion.

Sara nodded in agreement 'Beautiful! Now go see Daddy downstairs and go down on you bum' she admonished before calling down to her husband 'Hope's on her way down!'

She could hear Neal's footsteps and his words as Hope came into his peripheral field of vision: 'Wow! You look so pretty!'

Hope was getting good at navigating the stairs but she needed supervision and this was certainly not the time to be nursing a bump or a bruise.

Once on her own, Sara stared at herself in the mirror as she applied some makeup to her lips and eyes. It wasn't an easy task to have 'smoky eyes' when you didn't have any eyelashes or eyebrows but she did what she could and gazed with satisfaction at her reflection in the mirror. She could hear Elizabeth and Neal downstairs, fussing, putting the finishing touches on the decorations and the food. She returned to her bedroom and grabbed the gorgeous dress Neal had bought her for the occasion. It was a long, flowing dress with just the right snugness in all the right places and it was a deep red, perfect for the season. She took one last look in the mirror, adjusting her wig (not the short brown one this time, orders from Neal) and stepped out to meet her guests making sure to grab the envelope Janet had given her.

Before long, the party was in full swing and the house on Meadowbrook Street had never felt so alive. The guests appeared to all be having a good time and Hope wandered from one person to the other delighting everyone with her sweetness and charm.

Grace had come with her nephew, Kevin and as it turned out he had taken a photography class with Clinton and the two of them were deep in conversation in one corner of the living room. Jill came alone, as usual, but seemed to revel in being surrounded by her 'chemo' friends; Grace was chatting with Diana and Christie about some website she'd discovered and even shy Ashley was engrossed in a discussion with Elizabeth about some art exhibit downtown. June sat quietly with Mozzie as they watched the partiers and Hope would run up and hug Grandma June every so often when she walked by her.

Clara and Gino arrived with a huge container of cannoli for the guests and a dozen containers of spaghetti sauce for Neal and Sara to freeze and use at a later date. Gino had warmed up to Neal and was busy exchanging some recipe with him in the kitchen. Amelia came with her mother, whom Sara had met at chemo. She seemed to be getting back on track, less devastated by her ex's betrayal and determined to get through her ordeal and back to her life.

Despite her physical absence, Janet's presence was palpable by all. Sara knew that the possibility of her coming to the party was a long shot. Her health had been steadily declining and the last time Sara had seen her – two days before – she had barely recognized her friend. She had gone over with Neal and while the men were busy chatting in Harold's 'man cave', Sara and Janet had had a quiet talk in the living room. Despite her body's weakness, her spirit remained strong and Sara never ceased to be amazed at the strength and grace Janet displayed in all types of situations. She had become a role model for Sara and so many of the other women she had crossed paths with and Sara attempted to stay upbeat as she chatted quietly with her friend. Only once the car door was closed and she and Neal were safely on their way home did she allow herself a moment of sadness, weeping as Neal kept a hand on hers.

Despite her efforts to stay awake, Hope had fallen asleep in her uncle Peter's arms and everyone assembled in the living room for a toast, at Neal's request.

'Could I get everyone's attention, please' he said as the group began to quiet down. 'The past few months have been life-changing for many of you in this room tonight. For Sara, Hope and I, this experience has taught us so many important lessons. It has taught us that friends come in all shapes and sizes and that we never know who will be put on our life's path; it has taught us that we need to accept the help and support of those who love us; it has taught us that beauty is so much more than skin deep; it has taught us that pain and suffering can lead to healing – not always physical healing but spiritual and emotional healing. When Sara embarked on this adventure six months ago, we were both terrified. Our perfect little world had come apart – or so we thought. We didn't know that this path we were embarking on would bring us so much – sure there was pain, anger and disappointment but there was also friendship, strength and love. So tonight, I want to salute the wonderful, strong women I have had the honor of meeting over the past few months. Your life-affirming courage is an inspiration to all of us.'

Neal raised his glass and everyone followed suit. Sara got up, kissed her husband and stood next to him.

'I know that we are all painfully aware of Janet's physical absence tonight but I can assure you that she is with us in spirit. I saw Janet two days ago. As you know, she's very ill and she couldn't be here with us. Knowing that you would all be here tonight, she asked if I would read a few words on her behalf'

Sara took the envelope out of her pocket and opened it slowly; she could feel Neal standing next to her and she leaned into him slightly so she could feel his strength as she began to read:

'Hi ladies, Jill, Grace, Ashley, Clara and Sara, I miss you all so much. I know that sounds weird considering the only time we ever got together was in a chemo treatment room but you all know that what we went through together was so much more. We talk about cancer as an enemy – we say 'she succumbed to cancer' or 'she died after a valiant fight' and we glorify survivors. I wanted you to know that it's more about living fully each minute of every day. I have no regrets, none. I've had a great life full of wonderful adventures and sure, like everyone else, I want more – but I also believe in fate, the same fate that brought you all into my life –'

Sara's voice faltered and Neal put an arm around his wife to steady her. She looked at him and he saw her eyes, full of tears. Seeing that she was incapable of continuing, he gently took the letter from Sara's hand and continued:

'- the same fate that brought you all into my life. How can I fault fate when it doesn't do exactly what I would like it to do? Life always knows best even when it is time to let go. Thank you for accompanying me on my journey and allowing me to share such an intimate experience with you. I love you all. Janet'

The room was quiet as everyone took in Janet's words. Once again, without even being in the room, she had found a way to bring them all together, to put into words what they all had been feeling.

The party ended and everyone went their separate ways promising to keep in touch. Sara and Neal sat on the couch with Hope sound asleep nearby and looked silently at the Christmas lights. It was well past midnight and the quiet was welcome after all the revelry. The phone rang, shrill and loud and Neal reached out to pick it up.

'Hello' he said softly, frowning as he looked at Sara 'Harold, hi'

TBC


	27. Chapter 27

_This is the final chapter of this very personal story. I hope you have enjoyed reading it!_

**Chapter 27**

A very soft snow was falling; the air was crisp and cool. Neal found a parking spot in the busy lot and waited as Sara got out of her side of the car. She laced her arm in his, taking a deep breath and they started towards the steps of St. Margaret Mary Church.

As it was just a few days before Christmas, the front of the church was decorated with a manger and various other Christmas decorations. The celebration and merriment of the Christmas season appeared to be in stark contrast with the reason they were at the church that day.

Sara and Neal arrived just as Kevin was dropping Grace off by the curb at the front of the church. Sara and Grace hugged and entered the building hand in hand. They spotted Jill, Clara and Gino near the front and slipped into the pew next to them, as Neal brought up the rear. Up the aisle came Ashley and she paused for a moment as she walked by the row where the women were sitting. She turned and looked at them and Neal, who was sitting on the end of the row, stood up to let her pass. She walked past him and sat next to Sara who smiled at her, putting her arm around the sobbing young woman. The five women stood and hugged each other while Neal, Kevin and Gino looked on, obviously touched by the scene.

The church was packed. Janet had made many friends throughout her 53 years of life. She had worked as a secretary in a primary school for many years before she fell ill and there appeared to be a large contingent from her school, adults and children alike, who sat together looking sombre.

She had confided in Sara that she loved to curl. She and Harold had been regulars at the Ardsey Curling Club since they first met there in 1984. It was something they did just for themselves when the kids had been little and they just continued up until recently when both their health issues had caught up with them. Sara suspected that many in attendance were friends and teammates from Janet's curling club.

Janet had also mentioned, during one of those long days hooked up to an IV, that she did volunteer work at the Men's Mission downtown every Sunday. She served meals and told jokes and Sara could spot a group of older men who looked down on their luck towards the back of the church. She suspected they were friends of Janet's from her volunteer time.

Sara looked around and noticed many of the staff from Sloan Kettering sitting by the side of the church. She nodded as she spotted Joanne and Heather and the other nurses who worked in the chemo ward. It was obvious that Janet had touched so many lives throughout her years; even in illness, she had brought laughter and joy to all those around her.

Janet's wicked sense of humor was reflected in her choice of music for the ceremony. As the casket was finally rolled in, those in attendance could hear 'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zeppelin playing in the background. Janet was a child of the seventies and she had loved her rock music back then. A smile crossed Neal's lips as he recognized the song.

Harold and the children came in behind the casket and sat in the first row just in front of the women. Neal leaned over and touched Harold's shoulder and the man looked around to acknowledge Neal.

Janet's daughter, Beth, was called on to speak about her mom. She turned tentatively and Sara spontaneously put out her arms to take her son, Jacob, from her. He was a happy 3 month old baby and Sara had met him twice on her visits to Janet's house. He let himself be taken from the arms of his mom as she made her way to the altar to give the eulogy. Jacob looked from Sara to Neal and smiled, in that way that babies do when all their basic physical needs have been met and all they want is someone to smile at them.

Beth spoke of her mother's courage and unwavering faith and how she had managed to keep the family together throughout her ordeal. She spoke about her strength of character, her ability to see the good in people and her steadfast need to be of service to others in any way she possibly could. Sniffling and nose blowing could be heard throughout the church as Beth's words resonated with all in attendance.

Finally, came the moment when the pastor asked if any of those assembled wanted to bear witness to Janet's passing. Sara looked over nervously at Neal; she hadn't planned on it but she was feeling compelled to share her memories of her dear friend. Neal just nodded in encouragement and Sara got up and made her way up to the microphone and she began to speak:

'I didn't know Janet for very long. I met her four months ago when I went in for my first chemo treatment. She greeted me in her own inimitable way with a comment like 'Hey, a new recruit' or something like that. I was so scared. I didn't know what I was doing there, I felt like I didn't belong. Here I was with my great haircut, heels and designer jeans walking in with my handsome husband and I felt like turning to him and saying 'Honey, I think we're in the wrong place, can we please go home?'

The crowd chuckled and she looked over at Neal who just nodded in encouragement.

'But Janet, she knew, she knew even then that I would develop a friendship with all these wonderful, strong women who were in the room with us that day. Janet, she was a class act… She came across as abrasive and bawdy but boy, she knew the real score. She knew about support and caring and watching out for each other. After about my second treatment, I was sitting at home on a particularly tough day feeling sorry for myself. I had sent my husband and daughter away which in my mind was the right thing to do. Janet showed up – well actually barged in uninvited – and she started to read me the riot act. She started telling me about how important it is for family and friends of cancer patients to be able to do something, anything, to support their loved ones and that by not letting them, we were depriving them of something very important. She shared that this had been the most important lesson she had learned the first time around. She also set me straight about how my illness would affect my daughter.' Sara paused as she looked down at Beth and smiled. 'You see, I thought I needed to shelter her, protect her but she helped me see that I had a unique opportunity to show my daughter that we can rise above adversity and be strong no matter what life throws at us. So I began to speak more openly with my little girl, telling her that mommy was sick but that doctors were helping me get better. Janet was right – of course – and I'm here to pass the message along. Don't deprive those you love of the opportunity to stand by you because that is what they want and need to do. Janet has touched all our lives in different and unique ways and I for one will never forget her.'

Neal sat in the pew, behind Harold, touching his shoulder, as tears flowed down his cheeks; he was so proud of his wife. Sara stepped down and returned to her seat; she was happy to have been able to share her memory of her friend with others that Janet had touched and loved.

As the mourners left the church, they could hear the lyrics of 'That's what friends are for' playing in the background. It seemed like the perfect song to convey the fact that everyone would cherish the wonderful memories they had of Janet.

WCWCWC

Christmas morning dawned cold and bright with freshly fallen snow glistening on the front lawns and in the backyards. Sara and Neal were slumbering, curled up in a little ball under their feather duvet when they heard a loud shriek of joy just as Hope barrelled into their bedroom.

'Christmas!' she screamed

Sara laughed as she went from deep sleep to full consciousness in two seconds flat. Neal, on the other hand, looked up slightly confused.

'Yes, it's Christmas!' said Sara, welcoming Hope in their bed for a brief hug. She couldn't wait to find out if Santa had found their house and left a present for her under the tree.

'Mommy, Daddy, Santa' she screamed again

Sara looked at sleepy Neal 'C'mon Dad, can't keep your daughter waiting'

The tree came into view and Hope immediately made a beeline for the gifts tucked under its branches.

'Whoa, whoa! Those aren't all for you, Hope. There are some for Mommy and maybe even some for me' said Neal, looking sideways at his wife. He walked into the kitchen to put the coffee on as Sara and Hope made their way and began looking at the tags on the various gifts.

By the time he returned with piping hot cups of Italian roast for himself and for Sara, Hope was sitting in front of a large, oddly shaped gift just waiting for the go-ahead to start unwrapping. She was delighted to discover a play kitchen complete with everything to play along whenever Neal was in the kitchen cooking. She screamed with delight as she explored each of the toy utensils and pots and pans, running to her parents and back to the play kitchen, over and over.

'You have a gift for Mommy, don't you' reminded Neal. It was important for them that Hope learn about giving _and_ receiving.

'Mommy gift' she repeated as she remembered the one that she had wrapped with her father's help the day before.

'Thank you sweetheart' said Sara as she took the small gift wrapped box in her hands. It was a beautiful silver pendant called 'Mama and Baby Bird' and had the silhouette of a bird and its baby on a branch.

'I love it Hope. Thank you' she said hugging her daughter and wiping a tear 'Do you want to help Mommy put it on?' Once the pendant hung from her neck, she turned to Hope once again 'Do you want to get Daddy's present now? I'll help you'

Hope ran to the family room where she and Sara had carefully hidden Neal's present behind the couch. Hope returned lugging a large wrapped gift that she struggled to pull over to where Neal was sitting. He looked at Sara quizzically and proceeded to unwrap the treasure. It was a large frame in which Sara had placed a number of Hope's works of art along with a photograph of Hope holding a sign that said 'Daddy'

'Oh my God, when did you have time to do this?' Neal asked, truly touched. Hope just giggled at the thought of having kept a secret from her daddy.

The gift exchange continued for awhile until the only gifts remaining were those destined for family and friends who would be arriving later for dinner – Uncle Mozzie, Auntie Elizabeth, Uncle Peter and Grandma June.

As Hope played nearby with all her new loot, Sara looked shyly up at Neal and she handed him a beautifully wrapped gift as she kissed him softly 'Merry Christmas, sweetie' she said as he took the box from her. It was a top of the line camera so that Neal could continue to capture their wonderful family moments. Sara knew that the new year would bring all kinds of new and wonderful adventures for their family and Neal was using photographs more and more to inspire him as he continued to paint their daughter.

'Honey, I love it. Thank you' said Neal, kissing her. 'And I have something for you' he added as he stood and ran upstairs to collect her gift.

Sara waited with anticipation and within minutes Neal reappeared in the stairway with a wrapped gift in the shape of a frame. She loved it when Neal took the time to surprise her with one of his original art pieces and she took a deep breath as she took the package from him. On top, she could see a gift certificate for a local spa – just what she needed after months of chemotherapy. Inside the wrapping was a painting that Neal had done of her, with her short brown wig smiling broadly – she looked amazing!

'Oh my God. Is this what I look like? I had no idea...'

Neal just looked at her, smiling 'Sara, don't you know that no matter what, you are beautiful to me. I love you' he added as he kissed her tenderly.

'Daddy kiss Mommy' yelled Hope as she ran over to them. They pulled her into a huge group hug.

WCWCWC

New Years Eve was less than a week away when Peter and Elizabeth called to invite the Caffreys to a gala evening that Burke Events was catering at the Westin. It had taken all of thirty seconds and a furtive glance between Neal and Sara for the couple to thank the Burkes for the offer but pass on the invitation. They'd had a hell of a year and they were looking forward to spending New Years Eve alone together, reflecting on the past year and planning ahead to a much healthier new year.

They sat by the fire with Sinatra playing in the background and reminisced about the best and worst moments of the past year. Sara was surprised to find that many of the best – and certainly some of the funniest – were related in some way to her illness. Having cancer had been scary and daunting but the experience had been life affirming and things were much clearer now. They had decided that once they had the green light from Dr. Franklin, they would start trying for another baby and they looked forward to Hope's second birthday and more wonderful adventures as a family. Sara was on cloud nine because on Boxing Day as she scrutinized herself in the mirror, she had noticed an eyelash had grown in – life was coming back to her body and she was ready to welcome this new life with open arms.

They sat silently, with Sara's head against Neal's shoulder, just holding each other and staring into the fire.

'Neal, I've been thinking' said Sara, breaking the silence 'When I'm back to my old self, I'd really like to do some volunteer work at the treatment centre. Joanne was telling me they need women, like me, who've been through cancer treatments to help support and counsel others who are going through it'

Neal thought back to the support group he had attended and how it had helped him to know he wasn't alone. 'I think that's a fantastic idea'

'It's been a real bumpy ride this year' she added 'and I couldn't have gotten through it without you'

'Ah, but you could have, I know that' he responded

'Well, I would really rather not, if that's okay' she said softly

'I'm not going anywhere' he added as he squeezed her gently

La fin


End file.
